The Healing Shuffle
Today honors the end of my 33rd year and as I lay in bed, not sleeping (seems to be the 'in thing' right now) I can't help but think back over this tumultuous year and wonder where I am now.
On the upside: I have a great job that I love; I worked a new job over the summer that I found to be pretty rewarding and fun; I have my new friends (S&C) who I care for dearly. Also, I have lost both of my remaining grandparents to cancer; I decided to leave my bf of almost 8 years and gone though a period which was one part soul searching to two parts disintegration. Then there are the normal day to day things: my dad's back surgery; the ongoing saga of my sister's inconsistent participation (elusive enough?). Recently there are the unfortunate related series of events that we are still working through (and wont be discussed here... I'm not taking any more chances...)
In talking about said events/ issues.. whatever they are... C shared with me that part of the root of this problem was an issue/ trait that he and another of the innocent bystanders/ participants shared. I see his point and and I awoke this morning from another jealousy dream, and came here to look over the past year's entries, this one in particular, I realize I have my own issue: inferiority.
Rather than embrace the time away form the BF and work towards bettering myself (working out, meeting more new friends, reflecting on self-improvement, etc.) I chose to fall apart. My home is a wreck, I'm smoking again, I haven't been to the gym but three times (and usually leave early because I can't stay focused,) and the more I talk to him the more I realize that the BF must have been out every night during our time apart. He met K, and some guy from Lex. and has really been enjoying his time of renewal doing new things with these new people. He was also working out 6 times a week, cleaning and generally taking care of himself. Honest to God I'm glad for him and admire his ability to acknowledge and pursue what he needs.
Now, this is dangerous territory and would be unfair to ignore that he had a very tough time too. My objective is not to attack him but to point out that I think I may be jealous of much of this; I have no right to be. I feel like our time apart was much needed and the way I chose to spend it was my choice; I chose to have this time. I made some wrong choices, no biggies, but wrong all the same. (I must also say that I made some good choices; meeting S&C was a leap of faith and has been one of the best things I've done for myself. The difference was that they were introduced to me my a trusted friend...). Let's just say my time could have been better spent. K and I spoke online early on as well. K & the bf met in a coffee shop the first time. K invited me to that coffee shop and I declined, repeatedly. Why? Intimidation. I felt inferior. While I was looking only for a friend, his pics and phd and so forth told me I was not good enough. The boy went forward (his usual confident self) with the meeting and shared a wonderful time for weeks; I love and despise that about him (envy...)
So why do I care? No idea... I had S&C. I had JVJ... I had my support, and I had my good times in between the hurt and tears... So why am I still laying bed next to this man wondering.... obsessively... just wondering? Part if it is that I wish it could have been me next to him at these times, and to me that's love, not jealousy. But if I'm going to be honest, there's more than that.
On the upside: I have a great job that I love; I worked a new job over the summer that I found to be pretty rewarding and fun; I have my new friends (S&C) who I care for dearly. Also, I have lost both of my remaining grandparents to cancer; I decided to leave my bf of almost 8 years and gone though a period which was one part soul searching to two parts disintegration. Then there are the normal day to day things: my dad's back surgery; the ongoing saga of my sister's inconsistent participation (elusive enough?). Recently there are the unfortunate related series of events that we are still working through (and wont be discussed here... I'm not taking any more chances...)
In talking about said events/ issues.. whatever they are... C shared with me that part of the root of this problem was an issue/ trait that he and another of the innocent bystanders/ participants shared. I see his point and and I awoke this morning from another jealousy dream, and came here to look over the past year's entries, this one in particular, I realize I have my own issue: inferiority.
Rather than embrace the time away form the BF and work towards bettering myself (working out, meeting more new friends, reflecting on self-improvement, etc.) I chose to fall apart. My home is a wreck, I'm smoking again, I haven't been to the gym but three times (and usually leave early because I can't stay focused,) and the more I talk to him the more I realize that the BF must have been out every night during our time apart. He met K, and some guy from Lex. and has really been enjoying his time of renewal doing new things with these new people. He was also working out 6 times a week, cleaning and generally taking care of himself. Honest to God I'm glad for him and admire his ability to acknowledge and pursue what he needs.
Now, this is dangerous territory and would be unfair to ignore that he had a very tough time too. My objective is not to attack him but to point out that I think I may be jealous of much of this; I have no right to be. I feel like our time apart was much needed and the way I chose to spend it was my choice; I chose to have this time. I made some wrong choices, no biggies, but wrong all the same. (I must also say that I made some good choices; meeting S&C was a leap of faith and has been one of the best things I've done for myself. The difference was that they were introduced to me my a trusted friend...). Let's just say my time could have been better spent. K and I spoke online early on as well. K & the bf met in a coffee shop the first time. K invited me to that coffee shop and I declined, repeatedly. Why? Intimidation. I felt inferior. While I was looking only for a friend, his pics and phd and so forth told me I was not good enough. The boy went forward (his usual confident self) with the meeting and shared a wonderful time for weeks; I love and despise that about him (envy...)
So why do I care? No idea... I had S&C. I had JVJ... I had my support, and I had my good times in between the hurt and tears... So why am I still laying bed next to this man wondering.... obsessively... just wondering? Part if it is that I wish it could have been me next to him at these times, and to me that's love, not jealousy. But if I'm going to be honest, there's more than that.
Go Crazy?
Home video shot in my home at 3am today... Dunno why I was babbling about TV and beer though, is not the problem at all...
God, please grant me the fucking ANSWERS!
I still don't know what the hell I'm doing. It's been about 5 weeks since the break up and I am no more clear now about things than I was then. The first couple weeks were tough, and I knew they would be... Then I started to gain some clarity and began to see a future... And then... Yesterday... it hit the fan. Seems that the ex's new supportive friend is one of MY supportive friends as well. Hate it for the guy, he's stuck in the middle (well, more to the ex's side of middle, apparently)... And they have spent A LOT of time together... Museums, hiking, movies, dinner, a gay bar, baking cookies (gag... and at what point does this becoming dating?)
Anyway.. We talked at length this morning (after I spent the night at S&C's... I cannot function on 4 hours sleep anymore.. Who do I think I am?) and in addition to jealous (a worthy weapon for him, if used properly) deeply sad, angry, deceived, befuddled, and just amazed at how this has all played out... mostly I'm worried... I'm not afraid of going back to him; hell, if it's where I'll be happy it's where I should be... But I'm definitely afraid of going back for the wrong reasons:
- it's comfortable and all I've known
- to keep him from ending up with K (the 'supportive' friend)
- buying into a set of potentially empty promises (or honest changes...)
- fear of loneliness/ dating/ rejection...
Why I left (& what I got from our talk today):
- tired of living alone (he wants us to move in together)
- need for community (he's realized this is something he needs as well... the supportive friend is that: supportive.)
- feeling like we didn't know each other (he feels the same way, and feels that we need to share more of our lives.. to really know each other...)
- stagnation (ditto... he talked today about traveling; sharing community; etc.)
- holidays- I'm tired of going to events alone, esp. thanksgiving and Christmas, because he's with his family... (he won't come out to his family, but volunteered that they will have to just deal with him having other plans on holidays. and we'll be living together.. they're not gonna figure this out?)
- affection (we agreed that was lacking...)
- being out together... I wrote earlier about the incident in Raleigh when someone at the table asked him who he was with, and he said himself, refusing to acknowledge that he was there with me... That broke my heart, and he knows it, he mentioned it today... (He wants to be with me... in full... well, cept for the parents I guess...)
To me the most important aspect of this is that he needs to do these things for himself. He has started doing these things on his own, and for himself. He said that he has realized these are things that he needs... I agree...
So what do I do? We have 8 years under the bridge (my gay to straight calculators says that's like 16 in straight years.) With this do we deserve another chance? OR should I know, after these 8 years, that things never change?
I'm 100% confused and lost... Every day brings the same... (side note: where did those bruises come from?!)
The Hypocrite?
The band is something that means a lot to me. Music is one of my two passions (working with kids being the other) and as I test these waters of 'gayness' or more importantly, exploring who I am, I try to tip my toes into uncomfortable waters just to get a feel for my reaction. Lately I have put myself into an interesting set of circumstances.
I have, within the past few weeks, been introduced to a couple of guys that are thus far successfully confirming my perspectives. A couple that has been together for 22 years, despite, or because of their many differences. I love being around them (now known as C & S) because of their love, support, self-confidence, awareness and community. The more time I share with these two, and the folks I've met through them, the more I kow that I'm heading down my path. A path of openesss and fulfillment, slowly though it may be travelled.
Along those lines, I continue to be tested. There are some folks that I have not come out to yet, some because it's simply not relevant (co-workers and such) and some that I simply do not trust to know me for who I am. These folks, two specifically, are linked to me through music and are people that I consider to be important in my life.
Typically, after band practice, the three of us carry our music and sweat drenched selves upstairs to have dinner, cooked by KD's wife... We share time with their kids and, after the kids are down, take turns sharing stories, jabs and jokes. Tonight the conversation took an interesting turn. The wife knows I'm gay; but let's say she suspects... There are few women that have the gaydar like this woman does... But she's got it nailed...
The conversation started with the kids; the son is 4ish and loves playing dress up, pretending he's a girl, and playing with his barbie. Mom's cool with this, and is already well prepared for the possibilty that he may grow up to be a gay mnan ( yes, I know, this is developmentally appropriate and has no true signifigance of future sexuality, but you get the point). Dad, on the other hand, has some hang-ups. When she asked "which would you rather have, a gay son or a blind son, " I quickly (too quickly) answer that I'd be blessed to have ANY child, and given the choice, would prefer to have a gay son over a child with any handicap.
I am absolutely shocked to find that the other two (the wife agreed with me, citing her goal for her kids to be happy, no mater the challenges they faced) btoh said that homosexuality would be their last choice beyond any disability.
More shocking, further, was my inability to step up and admit my own sexual orientation... What an easy come back? What an opportunity? I folded... I know, all in good time... But how do I, in good conscience, hang out with my new friends tomorrow night, knowing how I've denied the opportunity to defend myself and them to these other people who I also consider friends. I'm saddened by the missed opportunity to open these two worlds to each other.
My sister recently taught me the saying, "what other people think of you is none of your business..." and I'm trying to live by this. finding solice in it's simplicity... But when the rubber hits the road I'm still living in two very seperate worlds... Worlds supremely ruled by the opinions of others, or at least my perspective of such opinions...
In the end, I suspect that I have trumped them all... wosre than blind or gay? How about chickenshit-edness?
Our Battle
Today, as you have no doubt heard, is World AIDS day. To do my part I will participate this Sunday in Triad Health Project's Winter Walk. I have set a goal of $500 and have received many generous offers from many wonderful friends/ family members, although I am coming up $105 short. If you would like to participate please click the picture above and send in your donation. Know that anything you can do, in any manner or regard, to honor this day and this ferocious fight really does make a difference. Be well.
dreaming in color...
I rarely remember my dreams anymore, which is unfortunate as I tend to read a lot of meaning into them. Last night I gave into my early exhaustion and hit the hay by 10pm. All night I dreampt rambling images of ghettos (the trap... my new word..), but the images from just before I awoke have stuck with me.
The bf and I, having reconciled, were walking through a rough, industrial part of town in a leisurely way. A group of Christian neighborhood watch folks, primarily african-american males, came around the corner. We said hello and they kind of dismissed us, rolling their eyes, and walked past. As we turned the corner there was a large blue warehouse/ church in front of us. As we got closer the bf walked faster ahead of me with this insane smile on his face. He disappeared for a long time and I waited paitently on a bench, watching people come out of their services and trying to locate their children. The bf came back and when I asked where he'd gone he told me, still with that manic smile, that he had been 'begot'. I asked him to explain and he could not, but I could see that he was very attracted to this church, which was increasingly repulsing me with the compound-like setting and negative reactions of followers. Suddenly the bf asked a male member where the bathroom was, and no one knew. They went further down the hall and disappeared around the corner, never to return.
The bf and I, having reconciled, were walking through a rough, industrial part of town in a leisurely way. A group of Christian neighborhood watch folks, primarily african-american males, came around the corner. We said hello and they kind of dismissed us, rolling their eyes, and walked past. As we turned the corner there was a large blue warehouse/ church in front of us. As we got closer the bf walked faster ahead of me with this insane smile on his face. He disappeared for a long time and I waited paitently on a bench, watching people come out of their services and trying to locate their children. The bf came back and when I asked where he'd gone he told me, still with that manic smile, that he had been 'begot'. I asked him to explain and he could not, but I could see that he was very attracted to this church, which was increasingly repulsing me with the compound-like setting and negative reactions of followers. Suddenly the bf asked a male member where the bathroom was, and no one knew. They went further down the hall and disappeared around the corner, never to return.
check-in
- Here is another example of some tight sober-site knowledge. Nothing we don't know I guess, but so great to see it written out.
- I met all of my goals yesterday besides the 'small miracle'. Maybe that term is too big. I did feel better, overall, due not sucumbing to the 'crash out on the couch syndrome like I did on Friday. Just lesser beautiful moments would be what I'm talking about.
- SO ready to get back to work tomorrow.
- Have watched at least three Adam Sandler movies at least five times in the past few days. I can find meaning in anything these days, for example: The Wedding Singer shows how difficult a break-up can/ should be, even if you are initiating it. It also shows that the pain is the only way to reach what you really want (Even as miserable as he was being alone he didn't take Linda back because he doesn't want her to have to "deal with," him being a wedding singer.) He got Drew in the end and THAT says something. I love Drew. I always cry when he comes out with Billy Idol's guitar playing "Wanna grow old with you..." Big Daddy gets me too... "Only love can break your heart..." I admit, it's the same movie over and over, but it's good. Oh yeah, have watched Bruce Almighty a few times... classy
- Goals for today: Church; 1-hour clean; Band practice (battle of the bands on Tuesday lmao; gym (doubt it); talk at some length to one person I don't know.
Fragments of life...
I regularly view at least five blogs authored by recovering alcoholics. I love the insight and specific nature in which these guys look at their lives. Moment by moment they receive life as it comes, it seems. Here is one example of the beauty that comes from these sites on a regular basis:
- "You won't get ahead by searching in vain for ways to quickly jump there. You will get ahead by using every opportunity to steadily and diligently work your way there, step after step after step." ~Ralph Marston
Which fits well with my mantra:
- "Faith is taking the first step without being able to see the whole staircase." ~MLK jr.
Life is lived in very small pieces; each step brings us closer to our final destination, physically and spiritually. I think about this a lot. All the good stuff is built up of small (but significant) pieces: relationships, finances, profession, fitness, maintaining a home, proficiency... All aspects of life are structured this way.
Five small things I can do today to steer my life in the right direction:
- Throw out that pack of smokes, that slip is about to become a relapse.
- Go to the gym; it's arms day.
- Seek out my small miracle of the day.
- Clean anything in my home for an hour.
- Call a friend I haven't spoken to in a while.
No big deal, but anything that does not point me in, or maintain the right direction is a waste of time. Where's my compass?
Construction Zone
Jesus, tomorrow's got to be a better day... The only shining moment today (might as well celebrate the small stuff...): I mentioned below about the 911 call... My neighbor ended up coming over and thanked me for calling... She feels it was an eye opener for her and her daughter. Although I started with my foot guarding the door, it wasn't long before we were embracing each other, right there on myfront porch... That's something; my minor miracle for the day... I guess they're always there, we just have to look... This is going to get better... God, I pray it's soon, I think I'm kind of losing it... Sometimes I think we have to hit rock bottom and claw our way back out... Please excuse the nails for a while, if you can... This may not be pretty.
So many questions and a 911 call...
Nice visit to the folks house last night and time spent with family that I seldom get to see anymore. As usual, the family had obviously discussed the break-up to some extent, but there was no mention of the elephant in the room... This is our biggest family flaw... We don't discuss... Unfortunately our Irish goodbyes, which can literally last hours, seem to have gotten me in trouble with JJ because we had tentative plans; I guess I shoulda called. I can't get it right these days...
This all adds to the fact: I don't know that I've ever felt more alone/ lost/ confused than I do today. I was lonely before the break-up as well but I can't gte beyond the irony of having to push away the bf to gain community, only to be met with increased loneliness. I know this is all a leap of faith and that I need to trust in my decision but where do I start? I have very definite goals for my future and I know I would not reach them with the bf (despite his recent offers to partially meet my needs), but where does one draw the line? Do you throw away 50% in hopes of reaching more? What if you end up with 10%... How do I know that I won't? I know, that's called settling, and is frowned upon. How real are all of these childhood lines we're fed: Don't settle for anything less; You deserve the very best; You can do anything you put your mind to. How can you be so sure?
In the end I've done the right thing, we were very unhappy with each other beyond just being friends. I know also that it's better for me to be alone for the right reasons then together for the wrong, but... It's not making this any easier right now. It took a very long time to reach this step, how long can I expect to reach the next? Do I have the courage?
Unpleasant distraction this morning: Shortly after the pooch woke me for his morning outing (8:30, hell or high water...) I hear a racket- I started downstairs to turn off the TV before I realized it was not on. The shouting, screaming and crying I heard was through the wall from my next door neighbors. Items hitting the wall, screams of, "go ahead and bite me again bitch," "stop hurting me," and "you bruised my wrist you whore," prompted me to call 911 on this mother daughter team. As sad as I am, things could certainly be worse (and they may be once I run into the shared-wall-screamers).
This all adds to the fact: I don't know that I've ever felt more alone/ lost/ confused than I do today. I was lonely before the break-up as well but I can't gte beyond the irony of having to push away the bf to gain community, only to be met with increased loneliness. I know this is all a leap of faith and that I need to trust in my decision but where do I start? I have very definite goals for my future and I know I would not reach them with the bf (despite his recent offers to partially meet my needs), but where does one draw the line? Do you throw away 50% in hopes of reaching more? What if you end up with 10%... How do I know that I won't? I know, that's called settling, and is frowned upon. How real are all of these childhood lines we're fed: Don't settle for anything less; You deserve the very best; You can do anything you put your mind to. How can you be so sure?
In the end I've done the right thing, we were very unhappy with each other beyond just being friends. I know also that it's better for me to be alone for the right reasons then together for the wrong, but... It's not making this any easier right now. It took a very long time to reach this step, how long can I expect to reach the next? Do I have the courage?
Unpleasant distraction this morning: Shortly after the pooch woke me for his morning outing (8:30, hell or high water...) I hear a racket- I started downstairs to turn off the TV before I realized it was not on. The shouting, screaming and crying I heard was through the wall from my next door neighbors. Items hitting the wall, screams of, "go ahead and bite me again bitch," "stop hurting me," and "you bruised my wrist you whore," prompted me to call 911 on this mother daughter team. As sad as I am, things could certainly be worse (and they may be once I run into the shared-wall-screamers).
Happy Thanksgiving...
So, yeah, we broke up and although I'd like to have a journal of this time to be able to look back on, I do think it would be incredibly insensitive and irresponsible to get into any details about what happened and why. I do feel comfortable documenting my feelings though and will try to focus on this when needed, without too much detail as I never know exactly who is reading this.
So, for my first post as a single man (ugh... makes me sad just to type it out...): Happy Thanksgiving. It has been one hell of a week; it's been like riding in the back seat of a car as a kid and hitting one of those dips in the road... Remember how your stomach suddenly jumps into your throat and scares the crap out of you, only to end up making you giggle... Well, kinda like that.. Crying one moment, feeling strong and proud the next... Washing down a tin of cake frosting with a stout beer... ya know, like that...
So back to the post... This year I'm grateful that, while I will drive to and from my parents thanksgiving dinner alone yet again... It will be for the right reasons this time... I'm thankful for my health, and my quit (although it is on very very shaky ground... I have a pack sitting downstairs right now...) I'm thankful that God has given my opportunities for supportive friends, church and activities and that I have seized upon these... And of course, for my Copper dog, who I love.... What else, roof over my head, car's still running (knock knock...)
Anyway.. Suddenly had a flash forward to next year, sitting here (or somewhere) reading over this... Wonder what things will be like... Will I be back with him? Will I be with someone else? Will I be sad and alone, with nothing having changed? Let's hope, AND plan for the best...
Tonight I'm praying for Joe, my friend, who is just out of ICU, but still quarantined in the hospital... I love this guy and am grateful for having the opportunity to have worked with him for the past year..... ♥
So, for my first post as a single man (ugh... makes me sad just to type it out...): Happy Thanksgiving. It has been one hell of a week; it's been like riding in the back seat of a car as a kid and hitting one of those dips in the road... Remember how your stomach suddenly jumps into your throat and scares the crap out of you, only to end up making you giggle... Well, kinda like that.. Crying one moment, feeling strong and proud the next... Washing down a tin of cake frosting with a stout beer... ya know, like that...
So back to the post... This year I'm grateful that, while I will drive to and from my parents thanksgiving dinner alone yet again... It will be for the right reasons this time... I'm thankful for my health, and my quit (although it is on very very shaky ground... I have a pack sitting downstairs right now...) I'm thankful that God has given my opportunities for supportive friends, church and activities and that I have seized upon these... And of course, for my Copper dog, who I love.... What else, roof over my head, car's still running (knock knock...)
Anyway.. Suddenly had a flash forward to next year, sitting here (or somewhere) reading over this... Wonder what things will be like... Will I be back with him? Will I be with someone else? Will I be sad and alone, with nothing having changed? Let's hope, AND plan for the best...
Tonight I'm praying for Joe, my friend, who is just out of ICU, but still quarantined in the hospital... I love this guy and am grateful for having the opportunity to have worked with him for the past year..... ♥
Tough Talk
So we've been talking in rare, scary honest terms, about who we are and what we are apt to become. I suspected he was doing as much thinking as I, so I built the nerve and broached. He responded and we talked, civilly with no hurt feelings; full disclosure.
We seem to understand: where the other is coming from; that we are both loved by the other; that this has not been wasted time; that we have strong vision of where we'd like our lives to be; that these visions are very different from each other; that we are both terrified to make a decision.
We've been talking and I'm so grateful for that.
We seem to understand: where the other is coming from; that we are both loved by the other; that this has not been wasted time; that we have strong vision of where we'd like our lives to be; that these visions are very different from each other; that we are both terrified to make a decision.
We've been talking and I'm so grateful for that.
Some nights shouldn't happen
Weird night last night, and I'm not at all sure why.
We played a show at a local bar last night; a bar that we've played many times before and is actually, despite the notoriously low turnout, one of our favorite places to play that rock and roll music. Last night was different. In all the years that I've played I've never played to so many backs. The lights were out in the area we were playing, folks were seated at the bar facing away from us and aside from the obligatory 1/2 assed clapping between songs you'd never know we were in the same room.
So that sucked. And then I left my keys and cell in my cymbal bag which was promptly loaded into my guitarists trunk. I didn't notice until almost 2am and had to resort to calling friends to see if anyone was downtown and able to swing by on their way home. No one was. Everyone was sleeping and I woke them all up. I'm real popular this morning. In the end, as I was about to call a cab a friend of my friends said he was heading this way and would drop my stupid ass (my words, not his) home on the way. (Cute and a great conversationalist, the one perk.)
So that sucked. And I smoked my first cigarette in over four months. I don't know why, and I can't say that I hated it.
So that sucked.
Gay Republicans are Idiots
A little reminder as we run to the polls on Tuesday (we are running to the polls, right?!)
2006 NCGOP Platform adopted June 3, 2006
3. We believe homosexual behavior is not normal and should not be taught as an acceptable "alternative" lifestyle either in public education or in public policy. We do not believe public schools should be used to teach children that homosexual behavior is normal. We do not believe that taxpayers should fund benefit plans for unmarried partners. We oppose special treatment by law based on homosexual behavior or identity.We support federal and state constitutional amendments to ensure that marriage is limited to the union of one man and one woman. We oppose attempts to legitimize homosexual relationships by placing such relationships on an equal footing with marriage. We oppose the adoption or foster parenting of children by same sex couples.
I've come up with brilliant bumper sticker for these up coming elections: Ruck Fepublicans
2006 NCGOP Platform adopted June 3, 2006
3. We believe homosexual behavior is not normal and should not be taught as an acceptable "alternative" lifestyle either in public education or in public policy. We do not believe public schools should be used to teach children that homosexual behavior is normal. We do not believe that taxpayers should fund benefit plans for unmarried partners. We oppose special treatment by law based on homosexual behavior or identity.We support federal and state constitutional amendments to ensure that marriage is limited to the union of one man and one woman. We oppose attempts to legitimize homosexual relationships by placing such relationships on an equal footing with marriage. We oppose the adoption or foster parenting of children by same sex couples.
I've come up with brilliant bumper sticker for these up coming elections: Ruck Fepublicans
Doogie's Gay
Neil Patrick Harris is the latest actor to out himself and I'm thrilled. I've had a crush on this guy for years, and come to find out, he's my age! Yeaaa!! And, all this time, he hid it soooo well:
Isn't it great to have that gaydar calibrated from time to time?
The Old Settler
Give me live theatre, any day, over sitting in front of that damned television. It's only regional theatre, in little ol' NC; yet the entire experience thrills me; makes me feel alive. It's my own private peak into someone else's head, life, emotions. It's painting in motion. I absolutely love it and hate that when it's over it's over there is no DVD to bring home to review on an endless loop, and there is certainly no soundtrack for those endless hours of treadmill torture. In my house, anyway, there is no older lady gracefully resting her head on her beau's shoulder silently confriming her love and open surrender.
"No one dies alone. Someone is always sent from the other side to be with you."
In life we are not alone. We have the ability to make choices. We can turn around and grab a hand, or we can wait for someone to come knocking. We can make our choices; follow our hearts and ride out the results or we can sit, and hope, and pray, for outcomes. I'm sick to death of being alone in my house, my head and my heart. It takes nights, and plays, like this to focus on where I am and where I could be. The Old Settler reminds me of what it is to feel love, to take risks on life and yourself.
In short: Good play...
November Nothing
Home for lunch, and to pick up my cell... (I just feel naked without it, and not in a good way...) So just a quick entry-
Here's a quote that I picked up here that I think I should hold on to for a while:
- Although we have been made to believe that if we let go we will end up with nothing, life itself reveals again and again the opposite; that letting go is the path to real freedom. ~Sogyai Rinpoche
Speaking of random: Last Friday I received about ten times the usual number of daily hits. Was it my masterful story telling or the video of the DC Drag Race? Do I really need to ask? No worries, my count and swelled head have gone down to normal since then...
Friday Fantasy
If I could be anywhere today, and for the long haul, I'd be in Asheville, waking early in my 1920 something bungalow. I'd carefully remove my husband's arm from about my waist as not to wake him. My plush robe and huge fuzzy slippers maintain my heat in the brisk morning chill as I head down the hall to start the morning fire.
On the way I peek into my sons' room to catch the blissful look of four and six year olds deep in slumber, careful not to hit the spot by their door where the hardwoods creak the worst. Copper jumps down from the foot of the young-one's bed and happily follows me into the kitchen to do his part in getting breakfast started (which generally consists of curling up on the throw in front of a freshly roaring fire). The low fall sun is streaming softly through the windows, broken up by the branches of the giant oak out front, and the morning traffic softly picks up beyond.
From behind me I hear the 'slish-slish' of small footsied feet and hear my favorite words in the entire world: "morning daddy."
Sad Monkey
So, I may have figured out what is happening here, although I'm no shrink, and certainly am not in a place to afford one...
I'm pushing people away, that much is clear. It started about a month ago when someone I deeply care for kind of tossed me aside, and really hurt me deeply.
I've always felt awkward, an outsider. It's always been evident that I just don't quite fit in, well, anywhere... So I go through these cycles of depression, I think, related to feeling isolated and alone. How do I deal with feeling alone? I push people away. I push and push to test and see who remains, which, of course causes me to feel more isolated and alone.
I think. For example: I was invited to go to a party Saturday night. I'm not much of a party person, as I'm not great at making small talk with large groups of strangers. I can't remember names, I can't remember whether I've seen them before, I get paicky, it's a mess. Anyway, I wanted to go to this party, I really did. These are fun-loving folks who feed me at least one a week and have shared many hours of good fun conversation. I didn't go because I wanted a special invite. I needed to know they really wanted me there. It's so pitiful, but I belive that's what it was. As soon as it was too late to go I was down in the dumps and regretted not attending. I pushed them away
Let's see... I also made a stupid assumption about a fellow bloggers post and resorted to writing about it below. I apologize for that, but I suspect (and I could be wrong) that I was fishing for a reaction. That's ridiculous, and pathetic, but may just be true.
Ugh, anyway, this is where I am right now. There are more examples, but I don't even want to continue thinking about them. This is where I've been for a very long time, and this is where I continue to guide my life.... Sorry for stepping on those toes along the way, we do the best we know how.
I'm going through changes
That's the name of the WORST Black Sabbath song, and I challenge any other gay man to know that...
Anyway, I've decided: I'm sick to death of this blog.... While the blog started as a place for me to freely express myself it's turned into a product by which I rate my abilities; I hate that I'm trying to please. Comments down? I've got to write something self-deprecating and wrenching. Nothing note-worthing happening? Must post bogus graphics just to be sure people come back.
Honestly, I don't give a shit. I dont care if you come here or not. I dont care whether my life impresses you and mor eoften than not I dont care for your advice. I dont care if my writings piss you off (they are about me, not you)... Okay I do care, but am surprised that my honesty has come back to bite me in the ass.... You think it was tough to hear? You should've been there when I wrote it!
So, if you care to continue to cruise through my inner workings and bullshit amateur writings? Great; have at it. If you're just here to lure me to your site so you can share details about your first sexual experience with a government employee (he's nervous because it's a felony, NOT because he cares).. Then go away. Please.
*don't listen to a word of it... what an asshole!!! hehe, cute, huh?... a little drunk, in a funk... but I will be removing comments from the blog for a while... I'll post for myself and you're all welcome to read along, if you'd like... As we teachers tend to say, "I'm glad you're here..." I'd remove the entire post if I hadn't set the one rule: to never go back and take away anything I'd written... stupid rules...
Anyway, I've decided: I'm sick to death of this blog.... While the blog started as a place for me to freely express myself it's turned into a product by which I rate my abilities; I hate that I'm trying to please. Comments down? I've got to write something self-deprecating and wrenching. Nothing note-worthing happening? Must post bogus graphics just to be sure people come back.
Honestly, I don't give a shit. I dont care if you come here or not. I dont care whether my life impresses you and mor eoften than not I dont care for your advice. I dont care if my writings piss you off (they are about me, not you)... Okay I do care, but am surprised that my honesty has come back to bite me in the ass.... You think it was tough to hear? You should've been there when I wrote it!
So, if you care to continue to cruise through my inner workings and bullshit amateur writings? Great; have at it. If you're just here to lure me to your site so you can share details about your first sexual experience with a government employee (he's nervous because it's a felony, NOT because he cares).. Then go away. Please.
*don't listen to a word of it... what an asshole!!! hehe, cute, huh?... a little drunk, in a funk... but I will be removing comments from the blog for a while... I'll post for myself and you're all welcome to read along, if you'd like... As we teachers tend to say, "I'm glad you're here..." I'd remove the entire post if I hadn't set the one rule: to never go back and take away anything I'd written... stupid rules...
Don't you know I love you?
Who are your top ten? Who are those celebs/ stars/ that, if they showed up on your doorstep today, you'd drop everything for "shared time"? Glenn Kotche is my number one. I've watched him play about five times, I've spoken with him once. I love him.Anyway, WILCO played at the 9:30 in DC last night and NPR has the show stored to listen to anytime (or all the time). Pay special attention to my boyfriend in the kitchen. Is it any coincidence that the best damn drummer in popular music plays for the best American band?
100 Day Rant
I quit smoking 100 days ago today. After 12-14 years of addiction I have put down my smokes for good, and I don't miss them a bit. Last night the boy and I ran into a friend I have not seen in years and in talking with him we found that he and his wife, after watching their daughter grow for the past two years, have started smoking again. Upon absorbing this revelation the voice of my evil twin popped up to remind me, "hey, he's a together guy; if he can smoke, surely you can smoke too." After three-plus months the most important skill I've gained is shutting that self-destructive voice down. I know the origin of this voice (addiction and lack of esteem), the intent of this voice (resistance to change, instant gratification and lies) and the danger of this voice (this is the voice of self-doubt and insecurity, responsible for causing me to freeze in the face of change or risk). Recognizing and knowing this voice, combined with strengthening and conditioning my conscious inner voice to affirm my quit allows me to maintain control at difficult times, andnot just smoking related times. The key, I think, is that I'm continuing to figure myself out and, very slowly, take the steps to get where I'd like to be. I seem to be a slow learner and anticipate my arrival to be delayed, significantly.
Sick. Sick. Sick.
Today is my third sick day home from work and I'm nothing but bitter about it. Tomorrow is 100 days since my quit but it seems like I've been sick for at least 90 of those days. Yesterday was a beautiful day, which I slept through, with a drama filled staff meeting which I missed. Today it's 45 degrees outside (beautiful!), I was supposed to meet friend for lunch, friends at the bar, and go to Durham for a drum circle. Cancelled, cancelled and cancelled.
I'm so tired of this shit... Wasted $20 at the doc yesterday for him to tell me that it's viral and nothing can be done. Speaking of tired, time for my first nap of the day...
Nerve (with update)
It takes nerve, I tell ya. Moments ago (the sweat is still fresh on my brow, and my right middle finger is strangely numb) my doorbell rang. 9 times out of 10 this is not a good thing. Either the boy is being a pussy and doesn't want any neighbors to see him letting himself in, or it's one of my annoying neighbors.
It was an annoying neighbor. I opened the door to be greeted by a face full of 2nd hand cigarette smoke fresh from the nasty mouth of the nosy neighbor's husband (the boy calls him, "the mean neighbor.") His son is the one who used to call me faggot, until he finally learned my name, and they shipped him to private boys boarding school. (I bet he really knows what a faggot is now!)
Seems the mean neighbor and his nosy bitch wife won some money at a casino, which is great. They have an abandoned car with a busted out window full of old computer parts, sitting in front of their rented townhome. He no longer drives and lost his job so is forced to work at the gas station and then Red Robin restaurant up the block, so he can walk. Their OTHER car had the license plate 'stolen' by a guy who looks just like the mean guy, and have been driving with a 'lost tag' sign stuck to the back of their Escalade for the past month.
So they could use the money.
So they bought a TV. Their car is an impulse buy on wheels. I saw clothes, electronics, toys, bags and bags and bags of shit. And a 32" TV. Which he asked ME to help him carry. Fucker.
So I did. I went over and helped this asshole carry his brand new fucking TV into his trashed nasty living room feeling, all the while, like the used pathetic loser I am. Anyone else would have said no. Anyone else wouldn't have been so nice to these drug runners so they wouldn't have the nerve to ask. Not me. My way is to be passive-aggressive about it. How, you ask?
He asked me to help carry it. He didn't say don't drop it. On the floor. In the living room. On his foot.
** Update: Went by the mean neighbor's door yesterday and he was perched just inside the door with it open, smoking a cigarette from his wheelchair. Seems that, while installing his surround sound, MN fell from a second story ledge inside his living room and landed flat on his feet, smashing BOTH heels. Ouch.
Blue Sunday
I haven't done a Blue Sunday post in a long time. Being artsy is the best way to get myself through a lonely, bluesy kinda Sunday, which many of them are. For some time now I've been collecting these rusty old washers and nuts... I find them everywhere all of the sudden. As someone in church this morning said, "I don't know what it means, but I know it means something." This is all I've come up with so far.
This nut is named Copper
The Bachelor
I really resist talking about how miserable I sometimes am in my relationship because people continue to give me good advice which I continue to ignore. The only reason I delve back into this topic today is that I'm starting to think I'm actually single.
What is the definition of a boyfriend?
- The most popular definition at urbandictionary.com is: a great guy who make you feel good bout urself... a protector, and ur best friend
i.e.: "keep ur hands off my boyfriend, bitch! he's mine!" - 1. A male that one allows to regularly invade their pants.2. A male that one relies on to hide their insecurities.3. On rare occasion: A male that one truly loves.
i.e.: "Hey, girl, meet my boyfriend." - cheesey, but nice: Someone who makes your life seem like its worth living, someone who makes you feel loved, protects you, is always there for you.. A boyfriend is also someone you can define as the light of your life, the beat of your heart, the sun in your day and the stars in your night..
I'm hearing words like: "feel good"; "regularly"; "feel loved". I don't have one of these.
In memory...
What words for that dying man,
or yet the man already dead.
These are the words for my granpa Tom
a'er I leaned to his casketed head.
I feel the sadness to be expected towards you,
and grief our live's cost.
Most of all I congratulate you Pop
on the life you've boldly led and lost.
I believe that smile not stiched to you,
but carved from your last stance-
reflecting on life's peculiar way
of teaching us to dance.
Congratulations on the kids and wife,
(grandma will soon unite)
and the will to live strong,
golden, even through this long night.
Goodbye my grandfather,
know for you today I smile-
For the thousands of roads you've driven-
I'm proud to have shared a mile.
Not without errors of man
you've risen, you've raced, you've won.
The grass is greener, somewhere over the rainbow...
I've mentioned the church that I have attended for the past few years and how I got there. We are a liberal bunch, the trangendered, dykes, gay rev. and myself (the closeted queer)... Today I returned after choosing to be absent through the summer months. While the sermons can sometimes irritate me, as they often revolve around church business and finances, I can also twist them into more personal messages from which I can learn and move forward.
Today Rev Alex talked about the idea of growth. This is an ongoing theme at church; where "we" are from and going. The analogy he used was the Wizard of OZ, in that Dorothy goes from a place of comfort and familiarity into a place of turmoil and fear; the storm. Growth comes from time spent in the storm and the more time we can spend there the better off we will be in the long run.
At one point Alex asked an African American member to stand and talk about what "pass" means in the AA community. I'm not sure that she understood what he was asking her to do, as she jumped into a wonderful testimony about what the church means to her, BUT... The idea he was going is that often blacks with lighter skin can, "pass" for being white. Through things like behavior, dress, language, etc they can fit into the white community more easily than those with darker skin. This is where I began to personalize the message. He also mentioned the gay man's dilemma in "passing" and segued into discussing the religious implications specific people of Jewish descent.
I pass and pass easily. I am masculine in word and action and easily get away as a straight man (unless, god forbit, a woan finds her way to my bed). For many many years this was an asset as I could hide behind my masculinity and fool those around me into celebrating my heterosexual facade. This worked for 30 or so years until I tried to buy the lie myself. I hurt someone I care deeply for by trying to convince both her and I that living the straight life was something I could do. Fortunately I called myself on by bullshit and backed away, BUT not before the damage had been done.
I am now out to my family, my rev, and a few friends who have been very accepting and supportive. As I try to build community and live true to who I am, I am surprised by my need to continue to play my pass. I play in a band with two guys who believe I am straight. The wife of one of these guys is not so convinced and has repeatedly and bluntly asked me. My silence both confirms her belief and secures my status as a liar.
It's no wonder I can't build community. How do you go about building a circle of true friends who know and love you, when you don't tell anyone who you are? Looking back over the years I have sometimes envied those effeminate youngsters who present as homosexual from their earliest stages. Like a young bird pushed from the nest for their first flights, these folks know who they are and are forced to deal with it at the earliest stages. The community seeks them out and supports them. Now, I acknowledge the down side, it's downright dangerous to be recognized as a gay youth, but I cannot take my nest leap only to get back in the nest to hide.
My point, I guess, is that I need to throw myself back into the storm. No one can do it for me, no one can define the life I am meant to, or desire to lead. How do I do this? I come out to everyone I consider to be a friend (well, outside of work). I spend more time in church as myself. There is nothing to be afraid of there. And I continue to look for groups around the community to honestly connect with; anyone know of a good queer crotchet club?
Today Rev Alex talked about the idea of growth. This is an ongoing theme at church; where "we" are from and going. The analogy he used was the Wizard of OZ, in that Dorothy goes from a place of comfort and familiarity into a place of turmoil and fear; the storm. Growth comes from time spent in the storm and the more time we can spend there the better off we will be in the long run.
At one point Alex asked an African American member to stand and talk about what "pass" means in the AA community. I'm not sure that she understood what he was asking her to do, as she jumped into a wonderful testimony about what the church means to her, BUT... The idea he was going is that often blacks with lighter skin can, "pass" for being white. Through things like behavior, dress, language, etc they can fit into the white community more easily than those with darker skin. This is where I began to personalize the message. He also mentioned the gay man's dilemma in "passing" and segued into discussing the religious implications specific people of Jewish descent.
I pass and pass easily. I am masculine in word and action and easily get away as a straight man (unless, god forbit, a woan finds her way to my bed). For many many years this was an asset as I could hide behind my masculinity and fool those around me into celebrating my heterosexual facade. This worked for 30 or so years until I tried to buy the lie myself. I hurt someone I care deeply for by trying to convince both her and I that living the straight life was something I could do. Fortunately I called myself on by bullshit and backed away, BUT not before the damage had been done.
I am now out to my family, my rev, and a few friends who have been very accepting and supportive. As I try to build community and live true to who I am, I am surprised by my need to continue to play my pass. I play in a band with two guys who believe I am straight. The wife of one of these guys is not so convinced and has repeatedly and bluntly asked me. My silence both confirms her belief and secures my status as a liar.
It's no wonder I can't build community. How do you go about building a circle of true friends who know and love you, when you don't tell anyone who you are? Looking back over the years I have sometimes envied those effeminate youngsters who present as homosexual from their earliest stages. Like a young bird pushed from the nest for their first flights, these folks know who they are and are forced to deal with it at the earliest stages. The community seeks them out and supports them. Now, I acknowledge the down side, it's downright dangerous to be recognized as a gay youth, but I cannot take my nest leap only to get back in the nest to hide.
My point, I guess, is that I need to throw myself back into the storm. No one can do it for me, no one can define the life I am meant to, or desire to lead. How do I do this? I come out to everyone I consider to be a friend (well, outside of work). I spend more time in church as myself. There is nothing to be afraid of there. And I continue to look for groups around the community to honestly connect with; anyone know of a good queer crotchet club?
We're all winners here.
Here are a few of the pics from our white water outting last month. You will notice that our faces are not featured in any of these pics, and you would be correct to assume that it is due in large part to our desire for anonymity. It's also due to the fact that, with our little white helmets on we looked A LOT like stars on the Special Olympics National Rafting Team. Above is one of my better Special Olympics captures. Yes, they get worse. (Notice how the guide next to me is holding up her hands like "What the hell is wrong with this guy?") This is why I have no self esteem.
We shared the raft with a family of four from Wilmington. They said they were en route to an appointment in Chapel Hill and we noticed that one of the boys (the one on the left, I think) had one of those med alert bracelets on and his mom asked asked him a few times how he was feeling etc. Cool folks, I hope whatever they were going through worked itself out. (At one point the (my)boy said to me, "I wonder if I"ve been wearing this helmet backwards this whole time." To which the boy on the right said, "umm, yeah, you have," and tried desperately to control his giggles.)
These are my feet in my brand spanking new $7 Target sandal things; jealous? I was the last one let back into a raft after some free float time... The water was well over my head here.Now you've seen my feet and my ears, is it getting hot in here?
I like American music...
home now. drunk. violent femmes, how do theyrock out after all these years? Last time I saw them was 1991... Almost identicle to tonight... so great Hanging with the best friend, & Jenny (who I love...) and two new friends, J and C... very cool fun guys.. not much of a pot head myself, but love being around them... Too drunk to [type] but ran into Dennis... From ? about 10 years ago, Dennis.... used to mysterioulsy show up at the college house years ago and scare the crap out of me.. total stlker... stil have a scar from a night we hung out together... met at the ? fuzzy duck? then I blacked out... he was meeting some guy at babylon... and then we were back at his place.. sure I was drugged... scary.. and now, suddenly, he was there agin tonight.. haning with the token creepy fags from downtown... damnit... and now he doesn';t even talk to me? was he nodding in acknowlegement or in trying to pick me up.. which is worse?! dunno why it's throwing me so badly.. anyway, great night, got to bust a move (white boy style.. boom chicka booom chicka...) and drink toooo much... thank god for good nights/.... any coincidence the boy is out of town this weeekend? probably not.
Shitty Day
Just not much to write about lately... Here is an example (todays e-mail to my best friend...) :
Hey, the next green queen bingo is next friday, the 15th.. will you go? :) of course you will...
Yes, poor Mr. Copper has gotten confused, he seems to think that he is meant to pee out of his butt... at one point this afternoon he was peeing out of the front and back simultaneously and that's bad... and messy.... He freaked out and tried to run away... I would too....
It has taken me three beers just to get over cleaning his crate this afternoon... ick... The Vet says Colitis, and $200 please... thank you sir!!... fuck!!!!! I asked her if it could come from a pizza crust [that SOMEONE gave him last Monday], and, honest to God, she said yes! but, it would have occured a lot earlier, so I guess you're off the hook ; ) (I'm kidding ms. sensitive...) ;0)
love ya my da'ling..... *\o/*
Hey, the next green queen bingo is next friday, the 15th.. will you go? :) of course you will...
Yes, poor Mr. Copper has gotten confused, he seems to think that he is meant to pee out of his butt... at one point this afternoon he was peeing out of the front and back simultaneously and that's bad... and messy.... He freaked out and tried to run away... I would too....
It has taken me three beers just to get over cleaning his crate this afternoon... ick... The Vet says Colitis, and $200 please... thank you sir!!... fuck!!!!! I asked her if it could come from a pizza crust [that SOMEONE gave him last Monday], and, honest to God, she said yes! but, it would have occured a lot earlier, so I guess you're off the hook ; ) (I'm kidding ms. sensitive...) ;0)
love ya my da'ling..... *\o/*
55 Words: Friday Fiction
He drives between the green fields at noon, shifter in one hand and the wind through his wild hair. Volume raised, his voice dominates and a smile twists the shape of the words. He doesn't even notice the silver storm clouds behind him as he faces endless ribbon of road ahead. She would hate this.
It's hot and creamy. I can actually feel it running down my throat!
I am surprised to admit that I really like the newer version of the Willy Wonka movie, although I just happened across this hilarious site which reminds me of why I still like the old version better.
Karr will not be charged in JonBenet's murder
Well, get ready for a worldwide cry of "I knew it all along..." but, yeah, I knew it too... He has, no doubt, murdered many little girls, if only emotionally... This guy's a sick looney trying to connect himself with something important. I suspect in some way he believes his claim to have murdered JonBenet to be legit, while it also brings him closer to the object of his obsession...
The first thing that really told me something was off was his eyes... He seemed to be studying the reaction of the reporters and crowd as he said he was not innocent.. There is something, beyond the madness, in those eyes... He seemed to really be getting off on the attention. I don't know how to make this sound like an intelligent observation, so I'll just say it: he has a serious face with ecstatic eyes.... He always looked like he was having such a a good time... The person that he reminds me of, over and over again, is Chapman, who, while guilty, has always seemed to be so pleased with himself for killing John Lennon. Chapman killed for the attention he knew it would bring about... Karr waited ten years to gain this attention that he is enjoying so much? It just didn't add up.
Karr has the same look, but, it could just be the crazy.
She fell in love with the drummer...
What is it about live music? What is it about rock music? It just takes me away, transforms me, yet brings me back to who I am, at my barest roots. And I wonder, as I'm reminded of my passion for this force, why it is that I participate so safely, rarely, barely counted on the outskirts... I love this shit, I truly do... I love to play a show, like we did tonight... I love to have my handful of friends gather (not including the boy... No surprise...) and I love to show off, come out of my shell... To work towards a goal and to share this result, in the most nerve-ridden raw form... So why is it, again, that I participate so vaguely in this art that I hold so closely to my heart...
On my way home from the show I saw that I had four minutes, literally, until alcohol sales were halted... So drove to, parked at, and ran into my local grocery store, to get a (let me check) 650 ML bottle of Rogue American Amber Ale.... While I did hold strong on the smober... We got paid in beer.... And a better reward I cannot imagine.... Oh, besides cash...
There are things in life, I've learned, that we love... There are things in life that we enjoy... And there are things in life that we feel so passionately about, so eager to consume, that we dare not go near... My friend Nicos has no teeth.. When you ask him what happened to his teeth, he says, "rock and roll..." and it's the truth... I love this life.. I love to stay up all night, drink in living and share laughs and communication.. it's organic... it's in my mind and in my bones... and I'm afraid of it... I want to say I could not do this every night... but, the truth is, I could... and that scares the shit out of me....
cheers-
55 Words: Friday Fiction
From the back seat I can see the droplets strike the mirrored road. We pass a ghostly figure on the shoulder; his dad. I want to pick him up, they refuse; want to tell him how I love his son; he will welcome me to the family; his son has told him the same.
Asheville, NC
Okay, we didn't kill each other. Actually, despite my wine fueled break down Thursday night we had a remarkable time. As promised here are some pictures, sans humans to protect identities... Of course...
(Random pic notes: 'Castanea' is a nut-bearing tree, such as Chestnuts; The IRON sits in front of the Flat Iron building, modeled after the Flat Iron in NYC, and is about 20 feet from our hotel; that's me; Restaurant pic and lamp are in 'Tupelo Honey', awesome breakfast frood all day... if you can get a table; this doggie was loungin in a store window, was dyin to ask the age old question....; kitty on a lampost... artsy town... almost forgot, white water rafting pics to come!!!)
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