Nice visit to the folks house last night and time spent with family that I seldom get to see anymore. As usual, the family had obviously discussed the break-up to some extent, but there was no mention of the elephant in the room... This is our biggest family flaw... We don't discuss... Unfortunately our Irish goodbyes, which can literally last hours, seem to have gotten me in trouble with JJ because we had tentative plans; I guess I shoulda called. I can't get it right these days...
This all adds to the fact: I don't know that I've ever felt more alone/ lost/ confused than I do today. I was lonely before the break-up as well but I can't gte beyond the irony of having to push away the bf to gain community, only to be met with increased loneliness. I know this is all a leap of faith and that I need to trust in my decision but where do I start? I have very definite goals for my future and I know I would not reach them with the bf (despite his recent offers to partially meet my needs), but where does one draw the line? Do you throw away 50% in hopes of reaching more? What if you end up with 10%... How do I know that I won't? I know, that's called settling, and is frowned upon. How real are all of these childhood lines we're fed: Don't settle for anything less; You deserve the very best; You can do anything you put your mind to. How can you be so sure?
In the end I've done the right thing, we were very unhappy with each other beyond just being friends. I know also that it's better for me to be alone for the right reasons then together for the wrong, but... It's not making this any easier right now. It took a very long time to reach this step, how long can I expect to reach the next? Do I have the courage?
Unpleasant distraction this morning: Shortly after the pooch woke me for his morning outing (8:30, hell or high water...) I hear a racket- I started downstairs to turn off the TV before I realized it was not on. The shouting, screaming and crying I heard was through the wall from my next door neighbors. Items hitting the wall, screams of, "go ahead and bite me again bitch," "stop hurting me," and "you bruised my wrist you whore," prompted me to call 911 on this mother daughter team. As sad as I am, things could certainly be worse (and they may be once I run into the shared-wall-screamers).
This all adds to the fact: I don't know that I've ever felt more alone/ lost/ confused than I do today. I was lonely before the break-up as well but I can't gte beyond the irony of having to push away the bf to gain community, only to be met with increased loneliness. I know this is all a leap of faith and that I need to trust in my decision but where do I start? I have very definite goals for my future and I know I would not reach them with the bf (despite his recent offers to partially meet my needs), but where does one draw the line? Do you throw away 50% in hopes of reaching more? What if you end up with 10%... How do I know that I won't? I know, that's called settling, and is frowned upon. How real are all of these childhood lines we're fed: Don't settle for anything less; You deserve the very best; You can do anything you put your mind to. How can you be so sure?
In the end I've done the right thing, we were very unhappy with each other beyond just being friends. I know also that it's better for me to be alone for the right reasons then together for the wrong, but... It's not making this any easier right now. It took a very long time to reach this step, how long can I expect to reach the next? Do I have the courage?
Unpleasant distraction this morning: Shortly after the pooch woke me for his morning outing (8:30, hell or high water...) I hear a racket- I started downstairs to turn off the TV before I realized it was not on. The shouting, screaming and crying I heard was through the wall from my next door neighbors. Items hitting the wall, screams of, "go ahead and bite me again bitch," "stop hurting me," and "you bruised my wrist you whore," prompted me to call 911 on this mother daughter team. As sad as I am, things could certainly be worse (and they may be once I run into the shared-wall-screamers).
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