I still don't know what the hell I'm doing. It's been about 5 weeks since the break up and I am no more clear now about things than I was then. The first couple weeks were tough, and I knew they would be... Then I started to gain some clarity and began to see a future... And then... Yesterday... it hit the fan. Seems that the ex's new supportive friend is one of MY supportive friends as well. Hate it for the guy, he's stuck in the middle (well, more to the ex's side of middle, apparently)... And they have spent A LOT of time together... Museums, hiking, movies, dinner, a gay bar, baking cookies (gag... and at what point does this becoming dating?)
Anyway.. We talked at length this morning (after I spent the night at S&C's... I cannot function on 4 hours sleep anymore.. Who do I think I am?) and in addition to jealous (a worthy weapon for him, if used properly) deeply sad, angry, deceived, befuddled, and just amazed at how this has all played out... mostly I'm worried... I'm not afraid of going back to him; hell, if it's where I'll be happy it's where I should be... But I'm definitely afraid of going back for the wrong reasons:
- it's comfortable and all I've known
- to keep him from ending up with K (the 'supportive' friend)
- buying into a set of potentially empty promises (or honest changes...)
- fear of loneliness/ dating/ rejection...
Why I left (& what I got from our talk today):
- tired of living alone (he wants us to move in together)
- need for community (he's realized this is something he needs as well... the supportive friend is that: supportive.)
- feeling like we didn't know each other (he feels the same way, and feels that we need to share more of our lives.. to really know each other...)
- stagnation (ditto... he talked today about traveling; sharing community; etc.)
- holidays- I'm tired of going to events alone, esp. thanksgiving and Christmas, because he's with his family... (he won't come out to his family, but volunteered that they will have to just deal with him having other plans on holidays. and we'll be living together.. they're not gonna figure this out?)
- affection (we agreed that was lacking...)
- being out together... I wrote earlier about the incident in Raleigh when someone at the table asked him who he was with, and he said himself, refusing to acknowledge that he was there with me... That broke my heart, and he knows it, he mentioned it today... (He wants to be with me... in full... well, cept for the parents I guess...)
To me the most important aspect of this is that he needs to do these things for himself. He has started doing these things on his own, and for himself. He said that he has realized these are things that he needs... I agree...
So what do I do? We have 8 years under the bridge (my gay to straight calculators says that's like 16 in straight years.) With this do we deserve another chance? OR should I know, after these 8 years, that things never change?
I'm 100% confused and lost... Every day brings the same... (side note: where did those bruises come from?!)
2 comments:
Anybody willing to share this confusion and introspection in their life with the whole world in honesty is a very strong, admirable person. I just randomly searched "the fucking answer" and found your post. Your not the only one looking bro. I don't know your answer but I know that putting your situation out there shows effort,and effort is how things are worked through. No matter what happens, your not just sitting around with self pity. I connected, and others will too. Keep your head up sweetie:)
Agree with anonymous.. I think a lot of the things you said starting with feeling comfortable could be very good things??
No idea on how things change in gay relationships but I do agree with Anonymous in thinking that sharing it and not giving in to pity is great. Good for you.
Sniff... so what happened then??
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