Today honors the end of my 33rd year and as I lay in bed, not sleeping (seems to be the 'in thing' right now) I can't help but think back over this tumultuous year and wonder where I am now.
On the upside: I have a great job that I love; I worked a new job over the summer that I found to be pretty rewarding and fun; I have my new friends (S&C) who I care for dearly. Also, I have lost both of my remaining grandparents to cancer; I decided to leave my bf of almost 8 years and gone though a period which was one part soul searching to two parts disintegration. Then there are the normal day to day things: my dad's back surgery; the ongoing saga of my sister's inconsistent participation (elusive enough?). Recently there are the unfortunate related series of events that we are still working through (and wont be discussed here... I'm not taking any more chances...)
In talking about said events/ issues.. whatever they are... C shared with me that part of the root of this problem was an issue/ trait that he and another of the innocent bystanders/ participants shared. I see his point and and I awoke this morning from another jealousy dream, and came here to look over the past year's entries, this one in particular, I realize I have my own issue: inferiority.
Rather than embrace the time away form the BF and work towards bettering myself (working out, meeting more new friends, reflecting on self-improvement, etc.) I chose to fall apart. My home is a wreck, I'm smoking again, I haven't been to the gym but three times (and usually leave early because I can't stay focused,) and the more I talk to him the more I realize that the BF must have been out every night during our time apart. He met K, and some guy from Lex. and has really been enjoying his time of renewal doing new things with these new people. He was also working out 6 times a week, cleaning and generally taking care of himself. Honest to God I'm glad for him and admire his ability to acknowledge and pursue what he needs.
Now, this is dangerous territory and would be unfair to ignore that he had a very tough time too. My objective is not to attack him but to point out that I think I may be jealous of much of this; I have no right to be. I feel like our time apart was much needed and the way I chose to spend it was my choice; I chose to have this time. I made some wrong choices, no biggies, but wrong all the same. (I must also say that I made some good choices; meeting S&C was a leap of faith and has been one of the best things I've done for myself. The difference was that they were introduced to me my a trusted friend...). Let's just say my time could have been better spent. K and I spoke online early on as well. K & the bf met in a coffee shop the first time. K invited me to that coffee shop and I declined, repeatedly. Why? Intimidation. I felt inferior. While I was looking only for a friend, his pics and phd and so forth told me I was not good enough. The boy went forward (his usual confident self) with the meeting and shared a wonderful time for weeks; I love and despise that about him (envy...)
So why do I care? No idea... I had S&C. I had JVJ... I had my support, and I had my good times in between the hurt and tears... So why am I still laying bed next to this man wondering.... obsessively... just wondering? Part if it is that I wish it could have been me next to him at these times, and to me that's love, not jealousy. But if I'm going to be honest, there's more than that.
On the upside: I have a great job that I love; I worked a new job over the summer that I found to be pretty rewarding and fun; I have my new friends (S&C) who I care for dearly. Also, I have lost both of my remaining grandparents to cancer; I decided to leave my bf of almost 8 years and gone though a period which was one part soul searching to two parts disintegration. Then there are the normal day to day things: my dad's back surgery; the ongoing saga of my sister's inconsistent participation (elusive enough?). Recently there are the unfortunate related series of events that we are still working through (and wont be discussed here... I'm not taking any more chances...)
In talking about said events/ issues.. whatever they are... C shared with me that part of the root of this problem was an issue/ trait that he and another of the innocent bystanders/ participants shared. I see his point and and I awoke this morning from another jealousy dream, and came here to look over the past year's entries, this one in particular, I realize I have my own issue: inferiority.
Rather than embrace the time away form the BF and work towards bettering myself (working out, meeting more new friends, reflecting on self-improvement, etc.) I chose to fall apart. My home is a wreck, I'm smoking again, I haven't been to the gym but three times (and usually leave early because I can't stay focused,) and the more I talk to him the more I realize that the BF must have been out every night during our time apart. He met K, and some guy from Lex. and has really been enjoying his time of renewal doing new things with these new people. He was also working out 6 times a week, cleaning and generally taking care of himself. Honest to God I'm glad for him and admire his ability to acknowledge and pursue what he needs.
Now, this is dangerous territory and would be unfair to ignore that he had a very tough time too. My objective is not to attack him but to point out that I think I may be jealous of much of this; I have no right to be. I feel like our time apart was much needed and the way I chose to spend it was my choice; I chose to have this time. I made some wrong choices, no biggies, but wrong all the same. (I must also say that I made some good choices; meeting S&C was a leap of faith and has been one of the best things I've done for myself. The difference was that they were introduced to me my a trusted friend...). Let's just say my time could have been better spent. K and I spoke online early on as well. K & the bf met in a coffee shop the first time. K invited me to that coffee shop and I declined, repeatedly. Why? Intimidation. I felt inferior. While I was looking only for a friend, his pics and phd and so forth told me I was not good enough. The boy went forward (his usual confident self) with the meeting and shared a wonderful time for weeks; I love and despise that about him (envy...)
So why do I care? No idea... I had S&C. I had JVJ... I had my support, and I had my good times in between the hurt and tears... So why am I still laying bed next to this man wondering.... obsessively... just wondering? Part if it is that I wish it could have been me next to him at these times, and to me that's love, not jealousy. But if I'm going to be honest, there's more than that.
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