Sad Monkey

So, I may have figured out what is happening here, although I'm no shrink, and certainly am not in a place to afford one...

I'm pushing people away, that much is clear. It started about a month ago when someone I deeply care for kind of tossed me aside, and really hurt me deeply.

I've always felt awkward, an outsider. It's always been evident that I just don't quite fit in, well, anywhere... So I go through these cycles of depression, I think, related to feeling isolated and alone. How do I deal with feeling alone? I push people away. I push and push to test and see who remains, which, of course causes me to feel more isolated and alone.

I think. For example: I was invited to go to a party Saturday night. I'm not much of a party person, as I'm not great at making small talk with large groups of strangers. I can't remember names, I can't remember whether I've seen them before, I get paicky, it's a mess. Anyway, I wanted to go to this party, I really did. These are fun-loving folks who feed me at least one a week and have shared many hours of good fun conversation. I didn't go because I wanted a special invite. I needed to know they really wanted me there. It's so pitiful, but I belive that's what it was. As soon as it was too late to go I was down in the dumps and regretted not attending. I pushed them away

Let's see... I also made a stupid assumption about a fellow bloggers post and resorted to writing about it below. I apologize for that, but I suspect (and I could be wrong) that I was fishing for a reaction. That's ridiculous, and pathetic, but may just be true.

Ugh, anyway, this is where I am right now. There are more examples, but I don't even want to continue thinking about them. This is where I've been for a very long time, and this is where I continue to guide my life.... Sorry for stepping on those toes along the way, we do the best we know how.