dreaming in color...

I rarely remember my dreams anymore, which is unfortunate as I tend to read a lot of meaning into them. Last night I gave into my early exhaustion and hit the hay by 10pm. All night I dreampt rambling images of ghettos (the trap... my new word..), but the images from just before I awoke have stuck with me.

The bf and I, having reconciled, were walking through a rough, industrial part of town in a leisurely way. A group of Christian neighborhood watch folks, primarily african-american males, came around the corner. We said hello and they kind of dismissed us, rolling their eyes, and walked past. As we turned the corner there was a large blue warehouse/ church in front of us. As we got closer the bf walked faster ahead of me with this insane smile on his face. He disappeared for a long time and I waited paitently on a bench, watching people come out of their services and trying to locate their children. The bf came back and when I asked where he'd gone he told me, still with that manic smile, that he had been 'begot'. I asked him to explain and he could not, but I could see that he was very attracted to this church, which was increasingly repulsing me with the compound-like setting and negative reactions of followers. Suddenly the bf asked a male member where the bathroom was, and no one knew. They went further down the hall and disappeared around the corner, never to return.

check-in

• Here is another example of some tight sober-site knowledge. Nothing we don't know I guess, but so great to see it written out.
• I met all of my goals yesterday besides the 'small miracle'. Maybe that term is too big. I did feel better, overall, due not sucumbing to the 'crash out on the couch syndrome like I did on Friday. Just lesser beautiful moments would be what I'm talking about.
• SO ready to get back to work tomorrow.
• Have watched at least three Adam Sandler movies at least five times in the past few days. I can find meaning in anything these days, for example: The Wedding Singer shows how difficult a break-up can/ should be, even if you are initiating it. It also shows that the pain is the only way to reach what you really want (Even as miserable as he was being alone he didn't take Linda back because he doesn't want her to have to "deal with," him being a wedding singer.) He got Drew in the end and THAT says something. I love Drew. I always cry when he comes out with Billy Idol's guitar playing "Wanna grow old with you..." Big Daddy gets me too... "Only love can break your heart..." I admit, it's the same movie over and over, but it's good. Oh yeah, have watched Bruce Almighty a few times... classy
• Goals for today: Church; 1-hour clean; Band practice (battle of the bands on Tuesday lmao; gym (doubt it); talk at some length to one person I don't know.

Fragments of life...

I regularly view at least five blogs authored by recovering alcoholics. I love the insight and specific nature in which these guys look at their lives. Moment by moment they receive life as it comes, it seems. Here is one example of the beauty that comes from these sites on a regular basis:

• "You won't get ahead by searching in vain for ways to quickly jump there. You will get ahead by using every opportunity to steadily and diligently work your way there, step after step after step." ~Ralph Marston

Which fits well with my mantra:

• "Faith is taking the first step without being able to see the whole staircase." ~MLK jr.

Life is lived in very small pieces; each step brings us closer to our final destination, physically and spiritually. I think about this a lot. All the good stuff is built up of small (but significant) pieces: relationships, finances, profession, fitness, maintaining a home, proficiency... All aspects of life are structured this way.

Five small things I can do today to steer my life in the right direction:

• Throw out that pack of smokes, that slip is about to become a relapse.
  
• Go to the gym; it's arms day.
  
• Seek out my small miracle of the day.
  
• Clean anything in my home for an hour.
  
• Call a friend I haven't spoken to in a while.

No big deal, but anything that does not point me in, or maintain the right direction is a waste of time. Where's my compass?

Construction Zone

Jesus, tomorrow's got to be a better day... The only shining moment today (might as well celebrate the small stuff...): I mentioned below about the 911 call... My neighbor ended up coming over and thanked me for calling... She feels it was an eye opener for her and her daughter. Although I started with my foot guarding the door, it wasn't long before we were embracing each other, right there on myfront porch... That's something; my minor miracle for the day... I guess they're always there, we just have to look... This is going to get better... God, I pray it's soon, I think I'm kind of losing it... Sometimes I think we have to hit rock bottom and claw our way back out... Please excuse the nails for a while, if you can... This may not be pretty.

So many questions and a 911 call...

Nice visit to the folks house last night and time spent with family that I seldom get to see anymore. As usual, the family had obviously discussed the break-up to some extent, but there was no mention of the elephant in the room... This is our biggest family flaw... We don't discuss... Unfortunately our Irish goodbyes, which can literally last hours, seem to have gotten me in trouble with JJ because we had tentative plans; I guess I shoulda called. I can't get it right these days...

This all adds to the fact: I don't know that I've ever felt more alone/ lost/ confused than I do today. I was lonely before the break-up as well but I can't gte beyond the irony of having to push away the bf to gain community, only to be met with increased loneliness. I know this is all a leap of faith and that I need to trust in my decision but where do I start? I have very definite goals for my future and I know I would not reach them with the bf (despite his recent offers to partially meet my needs), but where does one draw the line? Do you throw away 50% in hopes of reaching more? What if you end up with 10%... How do I know that I won't? I know, that's called settling, and is frowned upon. How real are all of these childhood lines we're fed: Don't settle for anything less; You deserve the very best; You can do anything you put your mind to. How can you be so sure?

In the end I've done the right thing, we were very unhappy with each other beyond just being friends. I know also that it's better for me to be alone for the right reasons then together for the wrong, but... It's not making this any easier right now. It took a very long time to reach this step, how long can I expect to reach the next? Do I have the courage?

Unpleasant distraction this morning: Shortly after the pooch woke me for his morning outing (8:30, hell or high water...) I hear a racket- I started downstairs to turn off the TV before I realized it was not on. The shouting, screaming and crying I heard was through the wall from my next door neighbors. Items hitting the wall, screams of, "go ahead and bite me again bitch," "stop hurting me," and "you bruised my wrist you whore," prompted me to call 911 on this mother daughter team. As sad as I am, things could certainly be worse (and they may be once I run into the shared-wall-screamers).

Happy Thanksgiving...

So, yeah, we broke up and although I'd like to have a journal of this time to be able to look back on, I do think it would be incredibly insensitive and irresponsible to get into any details about what happened and why. I do feel comfortable documenting my feelings though and will try to focus on this when needed, without too much detail as I never know exactly who is reading this.

So, for my first post as a single man (ugh... makes me sad just to type it out...): Happy Thanksgiving. It has been one hell of a week; it's been like riding in the back seat of a car as a kid and hitting one of those dips in the road... Remember how your stomach suddenly jumps into your throat and scares the crap out of you, only to end up making you giggle... Well, kinda like that.. Crying one moment, feeling strong and proud the next... Washing down a tin of cake frosting with a stout beer... ya know, like that...

So back to the post... This year I'm grateful that, while I will drive to and from my parents thanksgiving dinner alone yet again... It will be for the right reasons this time... I'm thankful for my health, and my quit (although it is on very very shaky ground... I have a pack sitting downstairs right now...) I'm thankful that God has given my opportunities for supportive friends, church and activities and that I have seized upon these... And of course, for my Copper dog, who I love.... What else, roof over my head, car's still running (knock knock...)

Anyway.. Suddenly had a flash forward to next year, sitting here (or somewhere) reading over this... Wonder what things will be like... Will I be back with him? Will I be with someone else? Will I be sad and alone, with nothing having changed? Let's hope, AND plan for the best...

Tonight I'm praying for Joe, my friend, who is just out of ICU, but still quarantined in the hospital... I love this guy and am grateful for having the opportunity to have worked with him for the past year..... ♥

I hope I've done the right thing; it does not feel like it.

Tough Talk

So we've been talking in rare, scary honest terms, about who we are and what we are apt to become. I suspected he was doing as much thinking as I, so I built the nerve and broached. He responded and we talked, civilly with no hurt feelings; full disclosure.

We seem to understand: where the other is coming from; that we are both loved by the other; that this has not been wasted time; that we have strong vision of where we'd like our lives to be; that these visions are very different from each other; that we are both terrified to make a decision.

We've been talking and I'm so grateful for that.

Some nights shouldn't happen

Weird night last night, and I'm not at all sure why.

We played a show at a local bar last night; a bar that we've played many times before and is actually, despite the notoriously low turnout, one of our favorite places to play that rock and roll music. Last night was different. In all the years that I've played I've never played to so many backs. The lights were out in the area we were playing, folks were seated at the bar facing away from us and aside from the obligatory 1/2 assed clapping between songs you'd never know we were in the same room.

So that sucked. And then I left my keys and cell in my cymbal bag which was promptly loaded into my guitarists trunk. I didn't notice until almost 2am and had to resort to calling friends to see if anyone was downtown and able to swing by on their way home. No one was. Everyone was sleeping and I woke them all up. I'm real popular this morning. In the end, as I was about to call a cab a friend of my friends said he was heading this way and would drop my stupid ass (my words, not his) home on the way. (Cute and a great conversationalist, the one perk.)

So that sucked. And I smoked my first cigarette in over four months. I don't know why, and I can't say that I hated it.

So that sucked.

Gay Republicans are Idiots

A little reminder as we run to the polls on Tuesday (we are running to the polls, right?!)

2006 NCGOP Platform adopted June 3, 2006

3. We believe homosexual behavior is not normal and should not be taught as an acceptable "alternative" lifestyle either in public education or in public policy. We do not believe public schools should be used to teach children that homosexual behavior is normal. We do not believe that taxpayers should fund benefit plans for unmarried partners. We oppose special treatment by law based on homosexual behavior or identity.We support federal and state constitutional amendments to ensure that marriage is limited to the union of one man and one woman. We oppose attempts to legitimize homosexual relationships by placing such relationships on an equal footing with marriage. We oppose the adoption or foster parenting of children by same sex couples.

I've come up with brilliant bumper sticker for these up coming elections: Ruck Fepublicans

Doogie's Gay

Neil Patrick Harris is the latest actor to out himself and I'm thrilled. I've had a crush on this guy for years, and come to find out, he's my age! Yeaaa!! And, all this time, he hid it soooo well:



Isn't it great to have that gaydar calibrated from time to time?

Friday Fantasy

The Old Settler

Give me live theatre, any day, over sitting in front of that damned television. It's only regional theatre, in little ol' NC; yet the entire experience thrills me; makes me feel alive. It's my own private peak into someone else's head, life, emotions. It's painting in motion. I absolutely love it and hate that when it's over it's over there is no DVD to bring home to review on an endless loop, and there is certainly no soundtrack for those endless hours of treadmill torture. In my house, anyway, there is no older lady gracefully resting her head on her beau's shoulder silently confriming her love and open surrender.

"No one dies alone. Someone is always sent from the other side to be with you."

In life we are not alone. We have the ability to make choices. We can turn around and grab a hand, or we can wait for someone to come knocking. We can make our choices; follow our hearts and ride out the results or we can sit, and hope, and pray, for outcomes. I'm sick to death of being alone in my house, my head and my heart. It takes nights, and plays, like this to focus on where I am and where I could be. The Old Settler reminds me of what it is to feel love, to take risks on life and yourself.

In short: Good play...

November Nothing

Home for lunch, and to pick up my cell... (I just feel naked without it, and not in a good way...) So just a quick entry-

Here's a quote that I picked up here that I think I should hold on to for a while:

• Although we have been made to believe that if we let go we will end up with nothing, life itself reveals again and again the opposite; that letting go is the path to real freedom. ~Sogyai Rinpoche

Speaking of random: Last Friday I received about ten times the usual number of daily hits. Was it my masterful story telling or the video of the DC Drag Race? Do I really need to ask? No worries, my count and swelled head have gone down to normal since then...