The band is something that means a lot to me. Music is one of my two passions (working with kids being the other) and as I test these waters of 'gayness' or more importantly, exploring who I am, I try to tip my toes into uncomfortable waters just to get a feel for my reaction. Lately I have put myself into an interesting set of circumstances.
I have, within the past few weeks, been introduced to a couple of guys that are thus far successfully confirming my perspectives. A couple that has been together for 22 years, despite, or because of their many differences. I love being around them (now known as C & S) because of their love, support, self-confidence, awareness and community. The more time I share with these two, and the folks I've met through them, the more I kow that I'm heading down my path. A path of openesss and fulfillment, slowly though it may be travelled.
Along those lines, I continue to be tested. There are some folks that I have not come out to yet, some because it's simply not relevant (co-workers and such) and some that I simply do not trust to know me for who I am. These folks, two specifically, are linked to me through music and are people that I consider to be important in my life.
Typically, after band practice, the three of us carry our music and sweat drenched selves upstairs to have dinner, cooked by KD's wife... We share time with their kids and, after the kids are down, take turns sharing stories, jabs and jokes. Tonight the conversation took an interesting turn. The wife knows I'm gay; but let's say she suspects... There are few women that have the gaydar like this woman does... But she's got it nailed...
The conversation started with the kids; the son is 4ish and loves playing dress up, pretending he's a girl, and playing with his barbie. Mom's cool with this, and is already well prepared for the possibilty that he may grow up to be a gay mnan ( yes, I know, this is developmentally appropriate and has no true signifigance of future sexuality, but you get the point). Dad, on the other hand, has some hang-ups. When she asked "which would you rather have, a gay son or a blind son, " I quickly (too quickly) answer that I'd be blessed to have ANY child, and given the choice, would prefer to have a gay son over a child with any handicap.
I am absolutely shocked to find that the other two (the wife agreed with me, citing her goal for her kids to be happy, no mater the challenges they faced) btoh said that homosexuality would be their last choice beyond any disability.
More shocking, further, was my inability to step up and admit my own sexual orientation... What an easy come back? What an opportunity? I folded... I know, all in good time... But how do I, in good conscience, hang out with my new friends tomorrow night, knowing how I've denied the opportunity to defend myself and them to these other people who I also consider friends. I'm saddened by the missed opportunity to open these two worlds to each other.
My sister recently taught me the saying, "what other people think of you is none of your business..." and I'm trying to live by this. finding solice in it's simplicity... But when the rubber hits the road I'm still living in two very seperate worlds... Worlds supremely ruled by the opinions of others, or at least my perspective of such opinions...
In the end, I suspect that I have trumped them all... wosre than blind or gay? How about chickenshit-edness?
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