Ramblin' on bout livin'

I was lonely kid, no doubt about it. I held very special value for my family for my lack of friends and, as a result, I suspect, it took me quite a while to figure out how to pick up and hold tight to friends. Believe it or not, it was not until High School until I realized that I liked having people around, and it may not have been until College that I learned how to keep them around. I was so deeply connected to family that I was homesick for the the first three years of my career, at least.

It can be slow progress, socially, as a gay man, and slower still with other stuff going on (and I ain't gettin' into all that...) What I have come to learn, though, is that I have developed a strong sense of what I understand to be life: that is, how actively I integrate myself into the living around me.

Living:

• skiing


• talking with close friends


• singing while driving (specially from the passenger side)


• rock and roll


• drums


• playing music


• eating dinner with friends, while playing with their kids and puppies


• listening to a friend play you a song


• singing alongside a friend, hearing them sing for the first time


• frisbee


• recognizing God in one's surroundings (I saw ten turtles sunning on a log deep in the woods; I had a 2nd grader tell me, "There's power in this hand," after writing an unusually long essay, etc...)


• checking out hot boys (especially when they KNOW you're checking them out...)


• long conversations about nothing (and everything?!)


• trying to explain emotion


• light reflected off of snow


• silliness and laughter


• circles (fire circles/ drum circles, etc.)


• dancing


• honesty


• sex with a man you are in love with

Not-living/ avoiding life:

• videogames


• television


• drinking/ drugs


• stress


• isolation


• hiding


• shyness


• ego


• wearing masks


• fear


• lies/ living in your mind alone


• celebacy to please others (and they don't care!)

I've been thinking lately about the difference between living independently and interdependently. I feel pretty independent, although we all need someone from time to time. Despite this independence I am constantly seeking interdependence. I long for my partner to stand at my side and work with my towards a common goal. That's not happening. I love when I get that feeling of working towards a common idea: this usually comes with playing music... This is really where I found my earliest connections and I thank God for this... Without Drumming I don't know that I'd be anything more than I was at 10 years old, and that wasn't good. Trust me.

Okay: Off to take a vicodin and watch TV.... We all need room to grow :)

What if?

One day, long ago, young God was sitting on the stony banks of his great sea, alone in the universe he had freshly created. God was happy, but not yet content; he felt that more remained. As he thought about the overwhelming possibilities he began to feel emptiness and then sadness. God took in a deep breath to calm himself and exhaled slowly and with purpose.

God's breath left His being and floated calmly out to the very sea he had thought into existence. Th sea rose to meet the friction of this breath creating the first wave. this wave continued to roll upon itself, putting in motion the beautiful yet stagnant rock bottom of the sea. The rocks swirled and crashed against themselves creating the sands which would follow the waves onto shore, lie themselves still and become beaches upon which the moving inhabitants of the sea were moved to perch.

Initially god felt little resolve from his breathing exercises and looked around for some hint as to his next move (God's never been good with free time...) Unbenownst to him the world had changed around him and soon these changes appeared to Him. Above him, where there had only been stale glimmers of light, the stars began to flicker, clouds began to roll over (although they had been placed far behind him at the mountain tops) and the moon began to fall, as the sun rose ahead (it had been intended only for the vast warmth of his other favorite sitting spot on the far side of His world).

God worried. He'd spent so much time and energy working on this project, his little 'get away from it all' spot and now it seemed to be caving in on itself. God had faith in his abilities and sat back and watched. Birds flew over, the moons an sun alternated their positions, and great rains fell.

God felt better. He enjoyed the constant changes in his vaca spot as well as the ability to see it all without travel (he used to have to walk sooo far to those plains). He enjoyed the dolphins out playing in the water, the snow upon his tongue and feeding upon the luscious vegetation that surrounded Him, bu the emptiness remained. "What more can I do?" He thought and right on cue, as if by plan, a young human couple walked out on the beach before him. He looked curiously at his creation and smiled at the uprightness of it all... "What a clever beast this is," he said, and patted himself on the back (much as he had done with the other's that had crossed this particular ground.)

As he watched he realized there was something different here. The two humans frolicked, much as the other animals had; they played, rested, ate... all the activities God had seen a million times before... and then they kissed. God sat slack jawed... what was this? He had sensed something similar in the other creatures, and even in himself, but had never seen it played out in quite this way. As he watched the couple grew closer physically and emotionally and He smiled more and more. As the couple's emotional state grew, so did His until it reached the point that God's heart, for the first time in his young life, was full. "Love," He pronounced, and His creation was complete.

It's about damn time...

Thank GOD I finally heard someone say it (even though you have to watch the the entire clip to see the cut off version of his answer...)... It's seems so fundamental the only way to resolve the issue of gay marriage in our country is to require that our government accept, acknowledge and promote civil unions of all people, straight or gay with the individual churches deciding whether or not the union is a marriage... It's a matter of vocabulary within belief and the government has no place in making that decision for a church... The candidates that support separation but do not see it this way contradict themselves... I'm liking this guy more and more every day...




Go Obama Go!!! (And I agree with Jon on the jacket; why didn't she ask about his hair?!)

I know, it's not the only issue, and truthful, not the most pressing issue out there, but one that continues to build my trust in this man's honesty and passion... Hope I don't have to eat those words...

On the highway to .. the inner light

Interesting website I heard about last week at the Quaker meeting I attended:

No huge surprise that I came out with 100% tendency toward Liberal Quakerism and 94% each of Unitarian Universalism (which I currently attend) and, of all things, Reformed Judaism... That one never occurred to me, but makes some sense... (Two of my lowest, I'm proud to say, are Catholicism and Jehovah's witness...)

Side note: Is it coincidence that Bush finally signed a anti-"torture" bill the day before he went in for his colonoscopy?

The Good Word... The God Word...

God has spoken to me... It's not the first time, and I feel like I've long been an empty vessel for receiving this voice (we all are, if we so choose), but never have I heard the voice as loudly as I have this weekend. What was intended as, or expected to be, a few days of drunken poolside leisure has somehow progressed into what I hope will be a life changing experience... Three sleeping boys in the room, and my own sore-hunched back keep me from fully sharing this experience... But the summation that was provided to me was nothing unexpected, but somehow transforming.... How profound, the power behind one word:

Surrender

There are no accidents... Accept the plan and let god have his way... It's really the only way...

this is The Truth and The Truth has been revealed...

Scary language provided to me in the easiest pill I've ever swallowed.

What'chu talkin' bout Willis...

Granted, I'm a slow processor... Not to be confused with an idiot, it takes me a long time to think through my feelings on topics and events... I often don't trust my initial reactions and must take time to think it through... anyway, like I said, slow processor... So I again broach the topic of Gay Marriage. Inspired by Joe.My.God's recent mention of Elizabeth Edwards' support of gay marriage I ask this: Why does government have a say in the issue? My understanding is that the opposition to two people of the same gender being 'married' is an interpretation of the term itself. While one church may see marriage as only between a man and a woman, other churches do not. Who is the government to interpret religious text?

Now I do see the civil aspects of the situation: someone needs to regulate... Take care of the blood work (careful with kissing cousins, etc...) to be sure people know what they're getting into and to be able to profit off the unions... But what if the government performed civil unions, regardless of orientation, and sent it on to the church to be recognized or denied as a true 'marriage'. This way everyone would be sharing the same legal rights but would still be subject to the beliefs of the particular church they choose to attend.

In my mind I do not want the government telling me that my Unitarian Universalist Church cannot perform marriages any more than as a Southern Baptist wants the government telling them that they must perform these religious unions.

To me we are unclear as to what, exactly, the battle is that we're fighting. Is this really a matter of marriages? Are we really clear on the differences? When 'we' talk about legalization of gay marriages, are we telling churches what they must do? Have we jumped into a situation that is unclear in vocabulary, idea and goal?

(side note: I did try to track back to Joe's orignial post, but I'm not sure I did it correctly. Very worth reading if my links don't tke you there directly.)

State of The Confusion

It seems the tide has changed here lately, have my stars aligned? While it scares the shit out of me that things are going so well, it strikes me that I need to remain consistent to my preaching the importance of remaining in the moment and celebrate the good times... So here goes, all that is important:

• The band: I'm sitting here typing along with the newly-recorded and mixed album from The Crap Rock All Stars... Man I love this shit, and deeply love these guys... We've spent about 24 hours and a (to me) sizable amount recording some of the best rock music you'll find in the past 10 years... While we all come from different angles (me, the uptight anal one; G with his musically genius ear and free form ways and K who walks the line between our personalities and somehow finds a way to get his amazing AMAZING songs to tape.. with kick balls leads and vocals, and all the heart in the world...). And time spent with Matty S this afternoon was eye-opening... a-mazing, and not just for the playing...


• The friends: God I fell in love with S & C at day one and knew their relationship is the reality of the dream I've always held for two people.. And something worth, truly dedicating my life-force worth, totally throwing myself towards.. While I've long held a vision of how my life was meant to be lead, these guys have somehow put action to my thought and made me such a better person... I can feel it in my heart and see it in my actions... There is no accident in our knowing each other...


• J: She's somehow hung on through the long haul and now met Dr. Love, who is all too easy on the eyes and seemingly Mr. Super Niceguy... I pray it works out well, but I all I know to be true tonight is that I am so happy to have seen her smile again... I love that girl...


• The boy- Nothing I can put into words... We both seem to have a better understanding these days.. And I think we are both going through some interesting growth wherein we can and must be more of our true selves while both realizing the true worth of our relationship... It's a fine line at times... I've never loved him more and love him more by the day... So far it's been worth the trip... Day by day we grow...


• The job: Well, I'm on summer break, so I am, of course, feeling very good about it... although the dichotomy is that the better I feel about it the more I think I should get back to school and throw myself into the area that most fascinates me: classroom management and behaviors disorders... Never thought I'd be there but I know now that that which we most fear is often the area in which we have the most to learn... and embracing that fear has thus far brought me a long way professionally and personally... I mean, who could deal with a gay conservative republican boyfriend better than a behavior specialist?!

What shall tomorrow bring?!?! More of the same I hope...

More Blogger Bullshit

Your Brain's Pattern

Your mind is a firestorm - full of intensity and drama. Your thoughts may seem scattered to you most of the time... But they often seem strong and passionate to those around you. You are a natural influencer. The thoughts you share are very powerful and persuading.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

8 Things: A Personal MEME

Okay, Dougie tagged me for this meme, which in all honesty I'd seen, but hadn't considered doing... I try to walk that fine line of keeping it personal without giving away anything, well, personal... And since Doug may be the only reader I have that I don't know in 'real life' (not that you're not real Doug, stop sulking, or are you smelling your breath...) I am trying to come up with 8 things they don't know either (I pretty much tell everyone everything about me... to a flaw for sure; I like to talk about myself.) Here goes:

1. When I was a kid I'd walk around speaking in nonsensical language, sure that someone would overhear me and be awed with my ability, or magically understand what I was saying. They would be my soul mate and best friend... and stuff...


2. I got a taste for cigarettes in third grade when I would steal packs from my dad's carton... but more commonly, from his Chevette's ashtray... GAG!!! I finally got caught cause I smoked out of my bedroom window... I think my dad got in more trouble than I as my mom had been trying to get him to quit for quite a while. He apparently remained a closet smoker until about 5 years ago when a heart attack revealed his secret. (Even though I wasn't crystal clear that he was alive, I had to take a shower to wash the smoke off of my own skin before driving 1/2 an hour to the hospital, so my mom wouldn't know... The cycle continues.)


3. I fart louder and longer than anyone I've met, but many of my friends know this. Sadly I'm quite proud of this ability.


4. I did not realize there was a state between California and Washington until I'd been teaching for at least 2-3 years.


5. My dream job growing up was to work in a tiny magazine stand/ shop, much like the ones you'd find on NYC street corners (see above)... Or maybe a walk-up food window.. Something about the tiny space excites me... Maybe when I retire...


6. My favorite smells, although often awful, are those that remind me of past experiences and people: cigarettes and Seagram's Seven (my dad); cigar smoke and cedarwood, like in a cigar box (my grandfather); lavender and blueberries (my grandmother); bleach (porn shops); very dark coffee (okay, that's enough, but $1 if you can guess...)


7. Sometimes I do not recognize people I know, even when I've known them for years... i.e.: my boss, my sister...


8. I believe that in some/ many ways gay men are more advanced than straight men. Eek! Controversy!

You're the debil...

Guess some people I know wouldn't be too surprised to find that I'm the devil...

You are The Devil

Materiality. Material Force. Material temptation; sometimes obsession

The Devil is often a great card for business success; hard work and ambition.

Perhaps the most misunderstood of all the major arcana, the Devil is not really "Satan" at all, but Pan the half-goat nature god and/or Dionysius. These are gods of pleasure and abandon, of wild behavior and unbridled desires. This is a card about ambitions; it is also synonymous with temptation and addiction. On the flip side, however, the card can be a warning to someone who is too restrained, someone who never allows themselves to get passionate or messy or wild - or ambitious. This, too, is a form of enslavement. As a person, the Devil can stand for a man of money or erotic power, aggressive, controlling, or just persuasive. This is not to say a bad man, but certainly a powerful man who is hard to resist. The important thing is to remember that any chain is freely worn. In most cases, you are enslaved only because you allow it.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

A Boy Can Dream

I guess it's time I come clean and let you know who the "boif" really is... His name is Glenn and we've been seeing each other since 2002 when he hit me up on myspace... I'm super excited cause when he's touring with his band I don't get to see him much (although he does call me from the road at least once a day... some might call it an obsession...) but they will be in Charlotte tonight, so we'll get to catch up for a bit (I'm sure the backstage pass is waiting for me there, along with the seating upgrade; he loves to surprise me) Anyway, enough about sweet-ums, err... Glenn... Here's his pic and a couple of videos.... drool....

Summer... It turns me upside down

Ahhhh... First day of summer and I can let out that annual sigh as I settle into doing... well... whatever I want... It was not a bad year by any means, and still loving my new role(s) at work... although I think my general feel of the year was summed up yesterday when I walked into my office to pack a couple things up and heard my co-worker bitching and moaning about the spaces we were being moved into. I don't know, there are just some things I can change and some things I can't and some things I just don't give a shit about. Having to move my office down the hall to a smaller space is just not high on my list of things to bitch about. She's lonely and miserable and I should be more sympathetic, but a year is a long time to listen to someone moan.... It starts to sound like some very, very long death rattle; Starts to bring you down at some point and yesterday I hit the wall.... Whew, what a rant... Anyway, here are my goals for the summer:

• finish painting my 1st level (damn how many years have I listed that?)


• finish the new album.... (just love saying that.. hehe...)


• move in with the boif, and not strangle him in the process... (definitely may want to split that out into two seperate goals later...)


• read five books (suggestions?)


• trips: hiking, beach, Baltimore, Asheville (?)


• work out 4-5 times a week


• quit smoking (sigh... cough cough...)


• talk to BS about grad school...


• study for the GRE

What happens in a gay bar ends up on the internet...

This is one of the sexiest, sweetest, most beautiful and ballsiest things I've seen in a while... (found at keithboykin.com)

Enrique Iglesias Thrills Gay Fan
Uploaded by funscenes3

zoom in for a better look...

Who are you? Who who, who who....

Everytime I take one of these tests I score differently. I think the mere fact that I cannot self-assess should probably reveal more about my personality than anything, but anyway, here goes: some more blog clogging fodder...

You Are An ISFJ

The Nurturer You have a strong need to belong, and you very loyal. A good listener, you excel at helping others in practical ways. In your spare time, you enjoy engaging your senses through art, cooking, and music. You find it easy to be devoted to one person, who you do special things for. In love, you express your emotions through actions. Taking care of someone is how you love them. And you do it well! At work, you do well in a structured environment. You complete tasks well and on time. You would make a good interior designer, chef, or child psychologist. How you see yourself: Competent, dependable, and detail oriented When other people don't get you, they see you as: Boring, dominant, and stuck in a rut

What's Your Personality Type?

Identity

This blog sucks. I can't write anything here anymore because too many people I know in 'real life' have found it. Anyway, with that in mind, here's some further nonsense until I get inspired with safe material, or just throw in the towel:
(from shutternick.com)

YOUR REAL NAME: Well, I'm not taking it that far... To support my lack of integrity, here is my online name (not to be confused with my 'Christian' or stage names...): Tay Hota
YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (first 4 letters of real name + izzle.) Tayizzle
YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color + favorite animal) Ever met someone who didn't know what their favorite color was? Now you have... Let's say, Cobalt Monkey (doesn't really work, does it...)
YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (your middle name + street you live on): Loyd Crossridge
YOUR PORN STAR NAME: (your first pet’s name + street you grew up on): Copper Hilltop
YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name + first 2 letters of your first name): Hottay
YOUR SUPERHERO NAME: (second favorite color + favorite alcoholic drink) Green Manhattan
YOUR WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (your parents’ middle names): Loyd Margaret
YOUR GOTH NAME: (black + the name of your pet): Black Copper
YOUR ARABIC NAME: (second letter of your first name + third letter of your last name + fourth letter of your middle name + second letter of your moms maiden name + third letter of you dad’s middle name + first letter of a siblings first name + last letter of your mom’s middle name): Atyaokt

The tag part — whoever wants to do it. Just let me know so I can read it, but I’m probably already subscribed to your blog and I’ll find out eventually anyway.

New Favorite Word

Watched VH1's Rock Honors last night and couldn't believe Queen's of the Stone Age... Man these guys fucking tear it up... They covered Sabbath's 'Paranoid' and rocked it, even if Dave Grohl's not on drums anymore... Anyway, this morning I had to google a word that Josh Homme (singer) had scrawled across his forearm... And here it is... (I almost peed myself...)

1. Gunt

Bulging area found on large older women between the waist and the genital area. Not quite a gut, not quite a cunt... The Gunt.
My sixth grade teacher had a gunt like a freakin' innertube!

2. The gunt is the huge layer of belly fat that hangs over the waist on morbidly obese women and covers the vagina. If for some reason, someone would actually want to have sex with this woman, the gunt must be lifted up out of the way to expose the genitals.

I know, cruel and I'm going to hell and all... (you can only go once!) But hot damn that's a fun word...

TGIF

It's important for me to stop now and then and take inventory of my life and reflect honestly on how things are progressing. Friday night gave me a good opportunity to do this.

After a fun couple hours of drumming at the UU I called JVJ to see about a quick drink before heading home. We ended up at our local watering hole, pleased to find some freindly faces and plenty of people watching opportunities. One of the folks that we met up with was Brian, who I've not seen for over a year. As a matter of fact last time I saw Brian I was just beginning the coming out prcoess and had just told JVJ herself a few months earlier. Excited by meeting a gay man who was comfortbale with and seemingly accepted by many of my straight friends I quickly cam out to Brian.

Friday night Brian was talking quite humbly about living in New York, the challenges of moving frequently with his job and anxiety about liking our home town here in the south. While he enjoys visiting this town we call home (and which he also called home for some time) he feels more comfortable in a bogger city and admitted sheepishly that he attributes much of this to a higher number of available gay men.

I was surprised with my comfort in communicating that I was finally comfortable here in town. I have a strong and supportive community and friends, enjoy being near my family and am seeing a boy I love. Without hesitation I finally, after years of struggling with the temptations of getting back to my big city roots, have found a place in my life where it's okay to stay. As Phish said, "find yourself a city to live in." Once your there, let it become your home.

"Dr." Jerry Falwell's Last Meeting

Come out, come out, wherever you are... Ding dong the dick is dead...




Some links to fellow revelers out there:

• Americablog
• Mikhaela
• Joe

Anyone's passing, though, is a loss; in this case maybe just the loss of potential (as if he'd have ever changed his ways.. but who knows... maybe he made a positive change in someone's life out there... just not mine.)

Soul Urge Number 5

Numerology intrigues me, not because I especially believe in it, but, well, I guess cause I'm a 5:

No: 5
The 5 soul urge or motivation would like to follow a life of freedom, excitement, adventure and unexpected happening. The idea of travel and freedom to roam intrigues you. You are very much the adventurer at heart. Not particularly concerned about your future or about getting ahead, you can seem superficial and unmotivated.
Positive Traits : In a positive sense, the energies of the number 5 make you very adaptable and versatile. You have a natural resourcefulness and enthusiasm that may mark you as a progressive with a good mind and active imagination. You seem to have a natural inclination to be a pace-setter. You are attracted to the unusual and the fast paced.
Negative Traits : You may be overly restless and impatient at times. You may dislike the routine work that you are engaged in, and tend to jump from activity to activity, without ever finishing anything. You may have difficulty with responsibility. You don't want to be tied down to a relationship, and it may be hard to commit to one person.

Best Boy, err, Buy

So the boif and I went over to Best Buy to check out the merch. (one of his favorite pastimes and tolerable for me). As usual we split up, me traveling over to the cd's and he to the computers and games. I was perusing the crap that is American pop music and glanced over to see whether he was done. He was having a good time playing one of those stand-up gaming displays when another guy, tall thin and fit walked up to pick up the controller next to him. They played along and next time I glanced over they were talking directly to each other, all smiles and laughter, controllers laying unused in their hands.

Taking my cue I wandered over to say hi (read: stake my claim). The boif detected my unease and immediately got defensive: "What's your problem? Why'd you even come over here? I mean, look at him? Why would I even be interested?" Trying to ignore my impulse to ask, "would it be safe to assume something was up if he WAS a looker?" I looked over/ up at the guy (he must have been seven feet tall). He had the most gorgeous blue/ green eyes I've seen, tanned face and shining smiley teeth; not a bit of insecurity and not a hair out of place.

Angry at myself over my jealousy and distrust, and angry at the boif for his defensive stance, I wandered away to process. When I glanced back the two of them where standing front to back, the tall gamer leaned over slightly with the boif behind him, hanging onto his belt loop like a rodeo rider, both of them smiling from ear to ear...

God I hate dreaming...

4:20

Today is 4-20, my least favorite day of the year for many reasons: As an educator, and especially as one who works specifically with emotionally and behaviorally disabled students I am hyper-sensitive to school violence and the ongoing threat of copy-cat situations. I know how sensitive and unreasonable these kids can sometimes be, and I know how miserable and unimaginable some of their lives are; it's why I love them. But today, the anniversary of Columbine, Hitler's Birthday, "4:20"... today seems like an especially opportune time for some of our more unstable citizens to shine. I know, I'm still caught up in the frenzy of the VT tragedy, and am hyper-vigilant, but I know this day bothers me every single year I go out to visit schools... I have taken off in the past and hidden my head in the sand but usually, as with today, I just keep my eyes and ears open, hit the bricks and try to do my best to make a change for the better.



*** On the up side, it's these guys' birthday, I'm just sayin':

My Life

Got this one over at Daniel's place. I'm really not sure how friends/ family scored so low, and finances are so high... Musta hit da wrong key somewheres....

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	7.2
Mind:	7
Body:	8.2
Spirit:	6.7
Friends/Family:	4.8
Love:	6.9
Finance:	8.1
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

David Sedaris

Quick note: I got two tickets to David Sedaris this evening. I was hoping to take the boif with a couple friends, but he wouldn't go and one of the friends had to go out of town... So I decided to take JVJ as she's been through a lot lately and thought she could use a night out... She has class so can't make it... I asked my friend S if he'd like to go, even though his partner is the one having to leave town and he said he really would... Don't tell him, but the tickets are second row center!!! woo hoo... Super psyched...

Poodle Power

Dreamt last night about a mangy old poodle, overgrown and dirty, playing alone in a puddle filled parking lot. He had obviously been lost, as he was still wearing the frayed remnants of a leash and collar. He had moments of happiness as he jumped and frolicked in the small muddy puddles but was primarily walking in circles looking for something to do.

The dream struck me as an obvious analogy for relationships, as I was watching the pup from a car I was riding in with the boif. While things in relationships are not always perfect and we go through periods of doubt and concern there is no doubt that, for me, being single is much the inverse; I spend most of my single time doubting myself and looking for relief, only finding joy in small moments of empty happiness.

I'm grateful that I'm in a place right now where joy and happiness outweighs the hesitations and red flags I naturally lean towards. I'm grateful for my friends and boif who bring me so much happiness and happy that I feel okay with taking it day by day and try to stay in the moment as much as I can. I don't feel tied to this relationship anymore, but feel as if I'm a willing participant... That makes all the difference.

Sunday Affirmations...

If you're like me you have an eye for the straight/ butch guys who were born two seconds on either side of straight and sometimes seem to have the sensitivity and insight of a rock. (There's a simple test for this: if you ask him what he's thinking about, he says nothing and really means it...) If you're like me you deal out sarcasm shrouded as wit to project your false confidence and maintain a level, and low, emotional playing field. If you're like me you have self-esteem issues that lead you on a constant hunt for the smallest and most insincere affirmations and eat them up like chocolate covered Bings (take that where ever your mind leads you).

This is the death nail for the gay man, I'm convinced. Finding endorsement in porn, drugs, drink and dick has potential for leading us down the most self-destructive, empty paths we could find. At best it leads to stagnation. 'Bullshit' you say? I know you've been there; I saw you with my own eyes;a night of drunken debauchery awakens to an ego only slightly more bruised than our liver. Ever been cheated on by a partner? This is how they got there...

Granted these are not my ideas, nor are they the most profound, but to me the idea of finding true happiness in life relies on two issues: integrity and a feeling of worth. In fact, worth comes from happiness which comes from following one's passions. I love to hear the boif tell me how good my hair looks (stop laughing, it happened once!) and could easily spend my day drinking and exchanging compliments with any number of friends; these are important and fun parts of any relationship although deep and meaningful (read: long-lasting) happiness, confidence and growth, for me, comes from deeper passions: drumming, music, working with kids, time with family and friends, travel, photography... These are the activities that repeatedly bring me happiness. Passion is the healthiest of cycles and possibly the most impacting on our lives: Find happiness, rinse and repeat.

If you made it this far I'd love to hear your passions! If you didn't, I never liked you much anyway. ♥

Up at 4am for a shot of cough syrup and a cig. Can you say 'self-destructive'? I knew that you could.

I'm in love and I don't care who knows it....

I'd always dreamed of traveling with a boy I loved and other gay men. To many it seems a trivial, minor goal in life; those that either don't understand the difficulty of hiding who you are for the first 30 years of life, or who had the balls to reveal themselves and live with integrity from an early age. To me it was the weekend of a lifetime. I love my boif, I love my friends, I'm really loving my life right now (knock knock). Oh, and I got my lexapro refilled. mmmm, I love lexapro....

thought for later: Why do vaginas sometimes smell so bad that you can detect their stench a room away? If my ass ever smelled bad enough to fill the room, I'd be mortified. Anyway, discuss amongst yourselves, I have a hankerin' for some fish tacos.

Self-help section

Giving into my inner girl has always been fun for me... And where better to explore than the self-help section? Here are three current/ recent reads I'd recommend to everyone, or, to start, the three of you! (The Amazon comments, then my comments in this color.



Your life sucks if…

• You routinely make someone or something more important than you

• The life you are living on the outside doesn’t match who you are on the inside

• You say yes when you mean no

• You try to fix other people

• You’ve forgotten to enjoy the ride



This is a most unusual book on leadership. The premise here is not about leadership approaches, methodologies for managing employees in the workplace, or other business strategy, but is instead a close and powerful look at how we view others and how that view impacts our ability to lead them.

(My dad lent me this book, and while it's intended as a novel style book for leadership in business, it has everything to do with how we treat each other and how we find happiness and fulfillment in living truly and with integrity. A very quick and fun read.)







Therapist Downs's book describes the paradigmatic ways in which early childhood molds the future lives of gay men: scorned on the playground, disrespected by Dad, loved only by Mom until their first sex with men. Through this mechanism of rejection, gay men feel unlovable, correspondingly angry and, he says, driven to heights of creativity and "fabulousness"—in addition to shopping addiction and obsessions with fat, muscle and penis size—in a bid to distract themselves from their inner shame.

(Should be required for every gay man, and PFLAG's... I reference it all the time. When I recommended it to the boif, he asked if it would conflict with any of his religious beliefs. Ugh... The irony, of course, is that THAT's exactly why he should read it.)

C'mon get happy...

Fact is I prefer to write when things are not going so well and the fact is that right now, at this particular moment, things are really going very very well. If they were going perfectly I'd not be craving a cig at 9:30 am, I'd not have a tinge of a headache from the drinks and sleeping pill last night (is that why that stickers on the side of the bottle?) and I'd have more time to spend with friends who have been very good about staying in touch....

BUT.... The happy pills have kicked in, the boy is in the other room watching TV (he's usually here these days), I had another fun filled (and sushi filled! yum...) night with S&C last night, and even squeezed in a couple hours of drumming on Friday. Life is good... It could change at any moment, I know, and I'm prepared in that I'm living for today, and living without regret. :) Happy times... We all need them now and then.... (Quote from some cheesy commercial I saw last night: "Live for today, learn for tomorrow." dig...)

New Year's Revolutions

Everyone seems to be starting out their New Year's posts by pointing out how they hate New Year's Resolutions. Fine, but to me this is a logical time to look back on the previous year and take note of where we have improvements to make. Here are my resolutions for the new year:

• Continue to develop and cultivate my friendships. In the past I have gotten lazy and focused on a friend or two at a time. I'm not out for the number but in my quest to build true community I know the responsibility lies on me to pick up the phone, drop by and spread invites.


• Get to work on time. With my 'itinerant' status (that does NOT mean sub, by the way...) it is easy for my to slip into work a bit late from time to time. I would be more effective if I was there on on time.


• Continue to commit myself to healthy living. Specifically: set a new quit smoking date and continue going to the gym at least 4 times a week.


• Record with the band and play out at least twice a month, preferably to an audience (novel idea).


• Commit myself to my relationship with the boy, while continuing to take it moment by moment and do not over analyze.


• Be happy... Live out loud... Laugh... "Be the person your dog thinks you are..." (I know, I need to get out of these elementary schools...)


• Travel... That's what the second job is for... Get out of debt and get out of the house...

Sláinte...

New Year Brings New Hope (with Reminders)

Great New Year's gathering last night raised my hopes for an upcoming year filled with love, friends, growth and satisfaction. Headlines this morning, coupled with the boy disappearing for the day (we've spent nearly every moment of the past week together) brought me back to earth and reminded me to take things slow. I'm still hopeful, although am back to cautiously optimistic. Still having these minor, but daily, anxiety attacks... sometimes I can pinpoint the origin but many times it's much more generalized... Maybe it's the feeling of being alive? Haunted? Hesitant? Hopeful? Fear?

Moment by moment and day by day we build our lives...

(notice new bush countdown clock below...)