Vegi-dar

Last week someone outted a prominant cultural figure and subsequently sent their readership through the roof. Well, now it's my turn.

In the "Fuit of the loom" ads, there are four mascots. We have an apple, two grape clusters, and some leafy thing. Sometimes he's green, sometimes yellow. What the hell is he? He looks suspiciously vegetable-atic to me... Hmmm... Maybe he has a secret... (I've heard that one in four fruits is actually a vegetable...)

Lance and Reichen Sitting in a Tree

No one's surprised, are they? I'm glad for him, I know the relief he's feeling. Now, who's this reality star he's with?

"The thing is, I'm not ashamed -- that's the one thing I want to say," Bass says. "I don't think it's wrong, I'm not devastated going through this. I'm more liberated and happy than I've been my whole life. I'm just happy." I can see why!!!

Strangers With Candy

God I fucking love Amy Sedaris. The best friend and I drove to Raleigh yesterday, in the the pouring rain (yes, it WAS like pouring piss from a boot...) to catch the Strangers With Candy movie. The weather and shoddy directions caused us to miss the first couple minutes of the movie but it was surprisingly easy to catch up on the plot. (Girl goes to jail for a while; gets out.)

In short, what started as a Masterdate turned out to be a great movie, awesome pizza and lousy singing afternoon of fun. Great movie, if you're a fan. You may not get it if not... But it was well worth our trip over there. I imagine it's much more funny in the theatre so I'd recommend you head out and see it. I desperately want to share some of the funnier lines, but the two or three of you that read this may get pissed, and that's an anger I cannot afford.

*Day 18 of the quit, feeling great!

Nic Fit

Okay, I know I'm obsessing a bit about this quit (14 days), but it's really all I have to talk about right now. Well, okay, I did visit the doc today to get a wart removed from my foot; I've been meaning to do this for a while (as in years). He walked in and said, "Okay, let's see it." I raised my feet so he could see my heels and his reaction, (mind you, he does this shit for a living) was, "whoa! oh my god, that's huge. There's nothing I can do for that." ummm.. okay, now the good news? Anyway... there's a different topic for ya...

So maybe the quit is not going as smoothly as I think it is. I feel great, and, while my cravings for a cig have increased, they're really no big deal. I was just sitting here patting myself on the back (well, everyone has to have a hobby!) when I realized that there may be a problem.

Within the past few days I have not been playing well with others. I flicked off a neighbor's car for having a Bush/ Cheney sticker on it (Yes, the car. There was no one in it. Does that make it better or worse?) Last night I was walking my dog around the parking lot and a neighbor came out of his house. I said something about hi, how are you, or whatever, and he promptly looked back down at his hands and kept walking. So, in my subtle manner, I said loudly (to my dog...) "Come on [dog], I guess he's not talking to us tonight." Turned the corner and rubbed the corner of my eye with my middle finger, in the guy's direction. Yesterday I drove at 5 miles an hour (in a 45) before weaving into the turn lane because the guy behind me was too close to my bumper. Today I got into an argument with some bitch in my smoking cessation support room, told her I hoped she was not a counselor and that I'd be back later when the "normal" people were on.

I need compensation skills, bad.

Helluva weekend

I'd like to take this opportunity to be positive. Granted I stayed up too late last night watching the COPS marathon that IS CourtTV, and don't really feel like writing, or anything else this morning. But I gotta tell ya, I had one hell of a weekend.

Thursday night I spent time with some of my friends at our local French Bistro drinking wine. Yes, a bistro in hicksville. There another one right next door. The night capped out with five of us sitting around giggling about midget fight porn. I don't know what it is; I don't usually use the term "midget"; shit-o-la it was some funny stuff.

Friday was lazy time to prep for Saturday night. The boy and I travelled about an hour and a half to our friends engagement "gathering." Of course we (read- "I") were very very late in leaving, but only because we had to hit the gym first. So responsible. I love these friends and wish they lived closer so I could just live on their couch. We shared a Napoleon (shared! In front of people, how gay) at this tiny, wonderful, Swiss owned bakery and then moved on to a couple bars to stand around watch people get shity. We shared a bed at the friends place, layed in bed for hours laughing, giggling, and just talking. I don't know if we've ever done this before. I let him know that THIS is what I was missing in our relationship. He, of course, was vague and aloof, but... Ate the most incredible omelets, watched love actually, and headed home. Last night realized we had a coupon for $25 off at some average chain retaurant and enjoyed our $6 dinner.

I kinda feel bad for the guy, as enjoyable as it all was, I can;t stop giving him shit. First, because this all was a reminder of why I want to live with someone, be out to everyone, and build a circle of "friends in the know." Also, Sat. night this drunk girl (I'm told she's a DA, hmmm...), after finding out I am gay, went around the table and asked everyone if they had a girlfriend, boyfriend, or are not looking (why the thid choice?) The boy, yes he did, The boy told her he was not looking. Fucker. Chicken shit fucker. Oh well, take the good with the bad and the rest of the weekend was a first.

P.S. Today is my 11th day smoke free (besides the six packs of second hand smoke Sat. night). I'm smober ya'll!!!

also- Can someone please tell me why the counter has suddenly slipped to the far bottom right of the page? please???

I've made in my drawers

Okay, I'll admit it: I"m scared shitless. I'm not to say that I've always seen the world through golden hued shades, but I'll tell ya the current state of affairs is really starting to shake me up:

• North Carolina GOP official refuses to retract comment linking homosexuality to pedophiliaJune 14, 2006
  
• Pentagon memo: Homosexuality a disorder
• The Middle East is a time bomb (great video here, 'How far could it spread' that explains this in 4th grade terms, for slower folks like me.)
• Weather

And the list goes on. I try not to be doom and gloom but shit, it just feels like it's all falling apart. Happy day!

meme me baby one more time

I am such a whore for a good MEME. This is a big one, lemme go grab a beer... (I have started drinking much more since quitting smoking... good times...)

1. How tall are you barefoot? 5'10
2. Have you ever been cheated on? Apparently
3. Do you own a gun? Never even held one
4. If you had a mental disorder, what would it be? If, what'a'ya mean if. Okay, OCD, if it'd help me keep my house clean.
5. How many letters are in your crush's name? Hmmm, is it 7 or 8??
6. What do you think of hot dogs? Soy dogs are almost as good as soy sausage, but not nearly a soy corn dog... yummm...
7. What's your favorite Christmas song? Blue Christmas, Elvis
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Coffee, black
9. Do you do push-ups? Not on purpose
10. Have you ever done ecstasy? Ecsta-what?
11. Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? Boy..................
12. Do you like the rain? Suddenly I really love it, spent the entire time on hold with my credit card company watching it pour. Luckily for them it really mellowed me out.
13.Do you own a knife? Noticed yesterday that the spikes on my serated knife are bent sideways, so you have to cut at an angle. Must have been a dollar store purchase.
14. What do you smell like? Not smoke, is all I know. :)
15. Do you have A.D.D.? Nah, just anxiety and poor memory...
16. Full initials? TJ (tay hota)
17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment: Sarah, tick, travel
18. Name the last 3 things you have bought today. Not a thing...
19. Name five drinks you regularly drink. Newcastle, water, skim milk, pomegranate juice, wine
20. What time did you wake up today? Forget, about 9 ish, very late for the dog...
21. Can you spell? Nothing that'll get me on the discovery channel, but not bad...
22. Current worry? State of affairs in the world... My future... Is always my worry... : )
23. Current hate? Gas/ flight prices... I want to go to Germany NOW...
24. Favorite place to be? Drunk on pinot, skinny dipping under the Mediterranean moon...
25. Least favorite place to be? Don't know... Come back to me...
26. Where would you want to go? I would do most anything to see my friend in Munich right now...
27. Do you own slippers? Hehe, yes, bought them for a Green Queen Bingo event with J (my bestest friend...)
28. Where do you think you'll be in 10 years? Hope: City with man I love and two kids (and my dog, cause he's gonna live forever...)... Fear: here, alone, like I am now...
29. Do you burn or tan? Burn then, if I don't peel, a little tan
30. Yellow or Blue? Well at risk of showing my slip, depends on the shade. Love colbalt, hate sky... love gold, hate... (just came out to my friend in Germany, as I was typing that.... hmmm)
31. Would you give up your current life to be a pirate? No way, those guys were the real deal, rotten food, no conditioner, rats.... ick!!!
32. Last time your cell rang? Unknown number tonight at 4:44:44...
33. What songs do you sing in the shower? Wilco/ Modest Mouse/ Death Cab or just stupid songs i make up, about the shampoo bottle, whatever...
34. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child? Animals in the woods behind my grandma's house...
35. What's in your pocket right now? lint
36. Last thing that made you laugh? Talking about Midget Fighting Porn last night... hell-arious... Face still aches
37. Best bed sheets you had as a child? ? The dry ones i guess.. hehe
38. Worst injury you've ever had? Cue the cheese: Shots to my ego/ pride when i was a kid...
39. What is your GPA? IS? haha... I think I left school with a 3.5 or so...
40. How many TVs do you have in your house? 2 and wanna destroy them both...
41. Who is your loudest friend? hmmmm,,, susan... but dont know her well...
42. Who is your most silent friend? I'm usually the quietest in situations, like to sit back, watch, throw in witty remarks here and there... It's my "thing"
43. Does someone have a crush on you? HA!
44. Do you wish on stars? Hmmm, forgot about that...
46. What song did you last hear? Hoover Dam/ Sugar
48. What song do you want played at your funeral? Johnny Cash: We'll meet again...
49. What were you doing 12AM last night? Talking about midget fight porn... still makes me laugh...
50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? Time to walk the dog...

a little tense

The quit is going great, really. This is the strongest I've ever felt on a day 6. Survived the kids yestereday (actually, really enjoyed that...) and even had a couple (few) beers last night without the need for a smoke. Get this, in addition to my regular workout I will be joining my fellow punishment junkies in 45 minutes of spin this evening. Got to see what these new lungs can (or, maybe, can't) do... But, I tell you what, if that punk ass kid two units down doesn't stop firing that damned cap gun out of his window at me I'm gonna climb the outside wall, crawl though his window and firmly plant my foot so far up ass he'll be able to tie my laces through his nose... And I will not hesitate to use the insanity/ drug withdrawl defense... okay, time for a time-out...

It's (all) about time... [Via Orlando}

My grandmother passed on Thursday July 6th at 12:58 a.m., just as my plane to Orlando was touching down. I feel terrible that my father had, after nearly a week at her side, stepped away from her bedside and missed the final moments, but, as someone said, she may have been waiting for him to be out of the room. Who knows. The weekend, service and all, was rather upbeat and celebratory, considering, and it wasn't until I got into my car from the trip home, by myself, that it really hit me that she's gone. I will deeply miss E.M.E. (If I ever fly into Orlando again it will be too soon, lemme tell ya...)

Good news: I made it through all the drama and stress of the weekend without a cigarette. I stumbled when I got home and realized that I still had one evil little cancer stick lurking in the dark recesses of my junk drawer, but, besides that one smoke, which I'm not counting (donning baggy pants; cue "It's my prerogative") today is day five. After begging to do so, I'm off to watch my sister's kids for the day. If I can do this I can do it all. Watch out world! (Throwing cap into air on busy Manhattan corner. Wind takes it and some crack head picks it up and shoves it down the front of his pants. Hmmm...)

Please note the quitnet button below my links. I find the chat and resources to be helpful.

You Can Do It

I will quit smoking, I just wish I could kick it before it kills me. I've just received word that my grandmother is in the ICU. The radiation is not working as we'd thought and the cancer has spread. The doctor is giving her 2-4 months to live. My grandfather just passed from liver cancer, and now his wife is on her way, from lung cancer.

I tend, after a quit, to forget why I'm stopping at all. Here are some questions from Quit Assist and my answers. Hopefully I'll remember to look here.

1. Why do I want to quit.
Waking up tired from not breathing fully, due to last nights cigarettes; headaches in the morning; phlem; smelling like I've been eating turds; yellow teeth; anxiety and restless while and after smoking.

2. When I tried to quit in the past, what helped and what didn't?
Nic inhaler helped some, but looked like I was puffing on a tampon; have never tried nic replacement; lexapro took the edge off, but did not decrease want

3. What will be the most difficult situations for me after I quit? How do I plan to handle them?
The bar; Avoid the bar; take it moment by moment; I also love my cig after work, it's like heroin... really, it knocks me on my ass and throws me into my daily nap. That's gonna be a tough one. My driving cigs are wonderful as well... Fortunately, while I drive for my job, I dont smoke until after work. I also don't take many long road trips. I'll have to get back to what to do about my after work cigs... maybe a post work walk; blog post time.. dunno...

4. Who can help me through the rough times?
The boy will do what he can, although it's better for me if no one adresses it: no discussions, no reminders. J will certainly help, but really, it's just up to me.

5. What pleasures do I get from smoking? What ways can I get pleasure if I quit?At another site I've filled out a "Why I Smoke" quiz. 11 or higher is considered high.

1. Stimulation: 5 (Actually, smoking typically sedates me more than anything. I mean, it does increase my heart rate and makes me nervous and anxious, but it also makes me lethargic and sleepy, most times.)
2. Handling: 12 (No doubt, I love the process. I've started drawing again to deal with my hands. Will miss the tap, deep inhale, sizzling of the paper, tap tap...)
3. Pleasure/ relaxation: 11
4. Crutch/ tension: 13 (Exercise.)
5. Craving/ addiction: 13 (Psychological addiction. Nic replacement?)
6. Part of my routine: 5 (Unlike many smokers I hate morning smoke, Any time I smoke before noon it's just an excuse to be lazy, because I can't get re-motivated.)
7. Social Smoker: 13 (Of course, there are not as many friends that smoke, so this is easier. A will be coming back from Paris this week smoke free, so J will be one of the few hold-outs. She can do without, I think, unlike me...)

Not sure of the next step. I'll revisit Allen Carr's book, and maybe pay a visit to the doc; sure he misses me.

*Just after I typed this my mother called to let me know that the doctor has changed his prognosis from 2-4 months to 3-4 days. Nan's on her way to hospice and we're all just waiting. Fuck, I am not ready for this.

A Letter to N.E. and Gno Whan

We've all heard it said that writers block is not the inability to know what to write, rather, lacking the confidence to trust what it is you're writing. I started writing this blog as a diary, just a simple way to log my own personal commentary, with hopes that occasionally folks would drop in and add their own, thereby making my ideas organic, active and malleable. Unfortunately the more I realized people were reading these and commenting, I stifled the truly personal stuff and went more for what may please. This has gotten me in trouble: I can't write. For the first time I'm drafting items before I publish them, which allows me to second guess and, in the end, not publish them at all.

New rule: I don't give a shit. Of course, it's been so long since I've posted that I've lost most of my readers, and that's almost a good thing. I'm going back to diary/ journal rather than trying to gain readers. It will be more fun this way because what's more fun that talking about yourself? Okay, playing with yourself, but that gets lonely. Talking about myself seems to have kept me entertained for the past 32 years. Hell, it's like a giant play in which I am the only real character. Wow, back to egotistical asshole so quickly... This is working already!!!

And off we go....

Monkey