Well yesterday was April Fools day.... And in my corner of the world April 1st is also an anniversary of sorts... Where were you six years ago on April 1 2000? I was with my "little brother," much of the day. We tooled around town, washed my car, stuff like that... I dropped him home and drove back to my apartment... When I entered, low and behold, there was the Boy, sitting on the living room floor working on school stuff, looking as sickingly guilty as I've ever seen someone... He told me some bullshit story about not being able to focus at home and having to come here... "Ahhh, together time," noooo, I knew something was up.... Found out later that he had met some guy from Charlotte at the mall (internet ad, "looking for chest hair, red head..." ick!!!) and "just talked. He is a Christian too and so he could understand what I'm going through." suck it... (Might I mention that a couple weeks later while I was at his place alone a person matching his description was circling the Boy's home in a car that matched that driven by "The Christian?" Those Christians and their sixth sense, how did he know where he lived from just meeting at the mall? Amazing...)
Anyway (deep breaths...) Last night we went downtown to grab a bite. Dinner started with him resting his head in his hands, insisting in his mopey voice that nothing was wrong, then finally jumping down my throat with "I'm stressed, okay? blah dee blah blah..." Cool, so far so good.. So we ate, my meal was awesome, as always... and walked about ten blocks to get some dessert. Again, kinda mopey and quiet, but altogether, as good as it gets with us... All of the sudden he wants to talk about non-citizens protesting out west. I could see it coming, but would not take the bait. I said that I think it's essential that all groups physically present in our country have a voice... Wanting to avoid a hot topic (gay marriage) he decided abortion would be a prime example to clarify his point to me... He said my point was not valid, that I was flat out wrong, and contradicting myself... And that I would find out what an enabler of murder I am on judgement day (he seems to think he's got a get out of jail card on this one... I think sex gives him amnesia) I said he's lucky he was not a lawyer because he'd be very hungry... He said not to talk to him anymore (THE single point we agreed on all night...) then restarted the argument, later accusing ME of insisting on talking about this bullshit... (yes bullshit, what is more pointless than two gay guys arguing about abortion?! sorry, a gay guy and a Christian (bow) in denial...) anyway, without running into details, we walked home (ten blocks) and drove home (about 15 miles) in complete silence... we wont talk today and maybe (hopefully) not tomorrow either...
So, in short, this was an anniversary... Here's to seven years of utter bullshit.... My how the time had flown!!! Cheers...
5 comments:
If you combined your emotional life with my physical life, you would get a person who was in one hundred and ten percent misery, all the time.
Does that mean each of us is only experiencing 55% suck?
Naw.
I'm sorry you've got this terrible relationship. Do you love him? Are you afraid to leave? Do you need him? He doesn't sound good for you. He doesn't sound healthy, or like he has any self-respect, or that he has the capacity to love anyone. I wish I could change that for you, because when I go back and read your posts, I see someone intelligent who is sometimes paralyzed by limitless options, someone who has a good heart that's been stepped on a few too many times. I see someone who deserves better.
Which is not to say that "Boy" is an inherently bad person; it's just to say that he seems to have far too many issues on his plate to be in a relationship right now, particularly one he feels he has to hide. It makes me sad for him, because he clearly can't allow himself to be happy, but sadder for you, because you're the one he winds up lashing out at.
Oh yeah, to answer your question about that sweet bike of M's--yeah, he gives me rides sometimes. I don't drive it myself because it's a monster and my legs are too damn short to reach the ground when I sit on it. Gimme an old Kawasaki 454 any day and I'll buzz in circles around that beast.
Hugs,
J
Thanks J.... I wrote that entry while I was very angry and have just now gone back to see how I felt three days later... Not much has changed, excpet the last statement... The hard thing is that it hasn't been utter bullshit, there have been some really great times... When it's clicking it really is fun and basec on love, but it takes a lot of work to get it there, and sometimes just a lot of luck... i'm sad, anxious, and afraid.. that it will end... that it won't...
I just read it again. It's still heartbreaking to me. I remember being at that point in relationships I've been in in the past--the point of plunge in or break it off. It's agonizing. I don't envy you. And I also wish I knew you, because I see so much honesty in this. And I respect you for putting it out there.
Hey Tay, thank you so much for your posts on my weblog. I just added you to my fav ones.
You are amazing!! You explained the dream so well, because you don't know me and you really described my situation as it is and I don't want to hear about.
Thank you so much.... but you?
You are living a not very happy situation yourself.
Who's that Boy? Is that your boyfriend? That is not living, you know!! Why are you together still? What are you holding to? Memories? good times? Hope? Sometimes I think on these situations, it's much better one off alone.
If you keep on looking down, the floor, you won't see that special person smiling at you. That person who will make you happy and bring you out of that misery.
I don't know you, although I would love it, and would love to know that you are happy. So please keep in touch, here you got a friend!!
Rocco xx
Hey Tay, here I come again. The song "Play your Part" by Deborah Cox says:
"Can you pretend to be the man I should have been with,
Can we fake the life you know I should have had,
Can we do a better job of pretending that you really care
Or I'll have to give the part to someone else.
You seem to have an important part
The lead role of my heart
You played it well along time ago
Until I started falling in love
And then you changed your character
And avoided all of your lines
Now the man I love is gone now
Can you play his part at this time.
[Chorus]
Love is like a see saw it takes two in order for it to work
I'm working hard, I'm playing my part but the scene still won't work
And rehearsals are long because your timing is all wrong
So I'll find someone who loves me
And who can play your part for life.
I deserve a lot better than this
And I'm tired of acting like it's okay for me to give you my love
And receive nothing back in return.
So what you think? it is like a mirror?
I just want you to be happy my bud, and don't let anybody to bring you down, it's not worthy!!
Have a fantabulous weekend!!!
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