You know it's been a while when you're sick of checking for updates on your own blog. Here's what's on my mini-mind these days:
- There are a few well known quotes that seem to sum up where I am right now. I'm not going to look them up to get exactly right, so save the comments.... John Lennon said that life is what happens while you're making plans. Someone else said that the definition of insanity is repeating the same action and expecting a different result. Lastly, some girl on MTV's "Made" tonight said that her biggest fear is failing at life. Shit, I hate being summed up by a 16 year old, but.... This were I am.. Life is rolling by and here I sit, same place I've been for years, making plans that are not going to happen and spending the in between time resentful of the fact... I plan and plan in my mind, don't do anything to set the plans into effect, and then sit around obsessing about my growing frustrations and what to tweak about my useless plans.... Fact is I need to grow some balls and make some changes... Even typing that is nerve racking... I don't know what the changes are but shit I'm bitter for a 30 something...
- Speaking of resentment, the Curious 1 commented a awhile ago andI just can't get his words out of my head. TC1's right: I am resentful of the boy. I'm resentful that he cheated in our first year. I'm resentful that my self-esteem is so low that I stuck around. I'm resentful that I cannot forgive or forget. I'm resentful that in the past few months I have seen him eyeballing more and more guys while I participate in less and less sex. I'm resentful that I don't have kids, and won't. I'm resentful that I fall asleep and wake next to my dog (and even he's been sleeping on the floor lately). I'm resentful that I've still got a foot caught in the closet door. I'm resentful that he doesn't know me better by now. I'm resentful that he doesn't participate fully in my life. I'm resentful that he has secrets (why did he pick the day after our 7th anniversary to start back to church... Excuse to not stay over?) I'm resentful BECAUSE I still love him.
- I'm a winey
- Work is still great. The new job is fun, although some new challenges are coming to the surface since winter break. Got an invitation today from a guy I taughy with for years to come talk to his college class about what I do. I love feeling appreciated, acknowledged, complimented from time to time. It makes me a nicer person. I like being a nice person, I think I am a nice person.... with sensitive spots a mile wide....
- I reconnected with a friend overseas. I'm already trying to figure out how I will pay for a lengthy trip to see her.
2 comments:
Because of the image placement, your post looks like one long poem in my browser. :)
Gotta love those quarter-life crises. I'm sorry you're in a funk :( I wish things were better.
Gosh... Sorry if I've messed up your outlook on things. Or maybe I helped you to realize something that you've been wondering for awhile but couldn't put your finger on. First of all, you sound a great guy and if you're being asked to speak to students and things of that nature... Guess what, you're special man. Someone who doesn't treat u as such shouldn't have the priviledge of having you in their lives. Lose the loser and I think your outlook will begin to take shape.
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