I was truly saddened to awaken to news of the death of Coretta Scott King. She has seemed me to be one of the few American leaders to truly embrace civil rights as it applies to all people. Here are her most popular quotes:
Hate is too great a burden to bear. It injures the hater more than it injures the hated.
I believe all Americans who believe in freedom, tolerance and human rights have a responsibility to oppose bigotry and prejudice based on sexual orientation.
Segregation was wrong when it was forced by white people, and I believe it is still wrong when it is requested by black people.
There is a spirit and a need and a man at the beginning of every great human advance. Every one of these must be right for that particular moment of history, or nothing happens.
Women, if the soul of the nation is to be saved, I believe that you must become its soul.
Mental Diarrhea
You know it's been a while when you're sick of checking for updates on your own blog. Here's what's on my mini-mind these days:
- There are a few well known quotes that seem to sum up where I am right now. I'm not going to look them up to get exactly right, so save the comments.... John Lennon said that life is what happens while you're making plans. Someone else said that the definition of insanity is repeating the same action and expecting a different result. Lastly, some girl on MTV's "Made" tonight said that her biggest fear is failing at life. Shit, I hate being summed up by a 16 year old, but.... This were I am.. Life is rolling by and here I sit, same place I've been for years, making plans that are not going to happen and spending the in between time resentful of the fact... I plan and plan in my mind, don't do anything to set the plans into effect, and then sit around obsessing about my growing frustrations and what to tweak about my useless plans.... Fact is I need to grow some balls and make some changes... Even typing that is nerve racking... I don't know what the changes are but shit I'm bitter for a 30 something...
- Speaking of resentment, the Curious 1 commented a awhile ago andI just can't get his words out of my head. TC1's right: I am resentful of the boy. I'm resentful that he cheated in our first year. I'm resentful that my self-esteem is so low that I stuck around. I'm resentful that I cannot forgive or forget. I'm resentful that in the past few months I have seen him eyeballing more and more guys while I participate in less and less sex. I'm resentful that I don't have kids, and won't. I'm resentful that I fall asleep and wake next to my dog (and even he's been sleeping on the floor lately). I'm resentful that I've still got a foot caught in the closet door. I'm resentful that he doesn't know me better by now. I'm resentful that he doesn't participate fully in my life. I'm resentful that he has secrets (why did he pick the day after our 7th anniversary to start back to church... Excuse to not stay over?) I'm resentful BECAUSE I still love him.
- I'm a winey
- Work is still great. The new job is fun, although some new challenges are coming to the surface since winter break. Got an invitation today from a guy I taughy with for years to come talk to his college class about what I do. I love feeling appreciated, acknowledged, complimented from time to time. It makes me a nicer person. I like being a nice person, I think I am a nice person.... with sensitive spots a mile wide....
- I reconnected with a friend overseas. I'm already trying to figure out how I will pay for a lengthy trip to see her.
Poor choices/ good book
In response to a recent post at One Gay at a Time:
I agree to an extent that he lied, flat out. I don't mind that he is now precariously perched upon his throne; it worried me to see him there because it seemed more difficult for people to do what he's done. Hopefully now, as more of an "every man," people will feel more empowered to make some of the scary choices/ changes they may need to make.
It pisses me off to hear that people are insiting upon their money back. Americans can be such assholes. It also concerns me, as it does you, that this will surely be a enough justification for someone who is already one foot off the wagon to start upm again. That's sad, but it's more in part to all of the hoopla than the revelation itself. It was not a personal attack, it was an extension of a few minor, and irrelevant details. Yes, it helped him sell books/ find a publisher. Yes it makes it more exciting to think it's all true as you go through, but the heart of the story planted some very important seeds within me and others. I relate all too well to the rage he speaks of and had never noticed it before. It's started a very important line of thought for me and I refuse to transfer my energy into pointing fingers. I choose to see how I relate to the story and put energy into making myself a better person. I don't know, but it seemed to me that the arrest story and some of the relationship stuff was simply added to keep those readers that did not relate, or did not want to relate, to the rest of the events.
That said, I will admit this: I will not be purchasing "My friend Leonard."
I agree to an extent that he lied, flat out. I don't mind that he is now precariously perched upon his throne; it worried me to see him there because it seemed more difficult for people to do what he's done. Hopefully now, as more of an "every man," people will feel more empowered to make some of the scary choices/ changes they may need to make.
It pisses me off to hear that people are insiting upon their money back. Americans can be such assholes. It also concerns me, as it does you, that this will surely be a enough justification for someone who is already one foot off the wagon to start upm again. That's sad, but it's more in part to all of the hoopla than the revelation itself. It was not a personal attack, it was an extension of a few minor, and irrelevant details. Yes, it helped him sell books/ find a publisher. Yes it makes it more exciting to think it's all true as you go through, but the heart of the story planted some very important seeds within me and others. I relate all too well to the rage he speaks of and had never noticed it before. It's started a very important line of thought for me and I refuse to transfer my energy into pointing fingers. I choose to see how I relate to the story and put energy into making myself a better person. I don't know, but it seemed to me that the arrest story and some of the relationship stuff was simply added to keep those readers that did not relate, or did not want to relate, to the rest of the events.
That said, I will admit this: I will not be purchasing "My friend Leonard."
I Wore Red
The last Friday the 13th I recall specifically was my third year of teaching. The school at which I was formerly employed is notorious for two things: great test scores and detestable sports scores. We had not beat our rival football team for at least twenty years and we saw this year as no different. This was also one of the few games that I attended because everyone from our community (thousands of people...) came out to cheer their team on. Of course, the students would all come out to display their drunkenness, and teachers would come out to witness it all. It was all worth it: an incredible game, with each side within a few points of the other throughout the night. Finally, at the closing moments of regulation time the full moon hovered heavily above a score board displaying the standing: 13 to 13.
I went out with a few co-worker friends to an uber testosterone bar to recap our unforeseen victory. We had a good time and things remains at a healthy level of festivity, so I got bored and left. No messages at home, not a penny to my name, I decided against staying up and finding trouble and went to bed. After 2:30 in the morning my phone rang. I've never received a booty call (tear tear) so I knew something was wrong. My sister was on the other end:
"Dad's in the hospital. He's okay, but he's had a heart attack. Take your time, there's no rush, but you should come over."
All I heard was, "heart attack; fine; don't hurry." I was sure he was dead. Sensitive about reeking of cigarette smoke while visiting my closet-smoking dad, I jumped in the shower. This also made things more real for me.
The tears didn't come until I actually turned the corner in the ER and was able to peek behind the curtain to find my father sarcastically jabbing the nurse. He was fine. He was still positive there was an unseen elephant standing on one toe on his chest, but he was fine.
This is my recollection every Friday the thirteenth, and when these two insignificant events coincide with a full moon I wear red. I celebrate my dad, all that I have in life, and, like many wacky old women I know, fend off the evil spirits that surely must come along with the day.
Fowl mood
I'm in a foul mood, so before the boy gets here let's see if a mental laxative helps. These are the things that are irritating me right now:
- I'm sick to death of people telling me that they "set New Year's goals, not resolutions." Let's read from the Random House Thesaurus/ College Edition: "resolution: Have you made a New Year's resolution?: resolve, promise, intent, intention, purpose, plan, design, ambition; objective, object, aim, motherfucking goal. shit...
- he wont stay over on new years eve; he decides, without letting me know, that he's not hanging out with me after we work out on Monday; he won't use the key he's had for three years to get into my house (the neighbors might see) and apologizes every time i have to run downstairs to answer the door. How do you apologize for the same thing repeatedly? It's like saying over and over, "I'm not sorry; I'm not sorry..."
- the god damn bold has got a mind of it's own
- some bitch today at work asked if I had a problem. I wanted to say, "got a mirror?" Then she asked if my comment was supposed to be "smart." The comment in question? "Oh, okay." What the fuck.
- I just mis-spelled fowl. damnit man....
I think this is making me more irritated. Maybe a cigarette.
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