4:20

Today is 4-20, my least favorite day of the year for many reasons: As an educator, and especially as one who works specifically with emotionally and behaviorally disabled students I am hyper-sensitive to school violence and the ongoing threat of copy-cat situations. I know how sensitive and unreasonable these kids can sometimes be, and I know how miserable and unimaginable some of their lives are; it's why I love them. But today, the anniversary of Columbine, Hitler's Birthday, "4:20"... today seems like an especially opportune time for some of our more unstable citizens to shine. I know, I'm still caught up in the frenzy of the VT tragedy, and am hyper-vigilant, but I know this day bothers me every single year I go out to visit schools... I have taken off in the past and hidden my head in the sand but usually, as with today, I just keep my eyes and ears open, hit the bricks and try to do my best to make a change for the better.



*** On the up side, it's these guys' birthday, I'm just sayin':

My Life

Got this one over at Daniel's place. I'm really not sure how friends/ family scored so low, and finances are so high... Musta hit da wrong key somewheres....

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	7.2
Mind:	7
Body:	8.2
Spirit:	6.7
Friends/Family:	4.8
Love:	6.9
Finance:	8.1
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

David Sedaris

Quick note: I got two tickets to David Sedaris this evening. I was hoping to take the boif with a couple friends, but he wouldn't go and one of the friends had to go out of town... So I decided to take JVJ as she's been through a lot lately and thought she could use a night out... She has class so can't make it... I asked my friend S if he'd like to go, even though his partner is the one having to leave town and he said he really would... Don't tell him, but the tickets are second row center!!! woo hoo... Super psyched...

Poodle Power

Dreamt last night about a mangy old poodle, overgrown and dirty, playing alone in a puddle filled parking lot. He had obviously been lost, as he was still wearing the frayed remnants of a leash and collar. He had moments of happiness as he jumped and frolicked in the small muddy puddles but was primarily walking in circles looking for something to do.

The dream struck me as an obvious analogy for relationships, as I was watching the pup from a car I was riding in with the boif. While things in relationships are not always perfect and we go through periods of doubt and concern there is no doubt that, for me, being single is much the inverse; I spend most of my single time doubting myself and looking for relief, only finding joy in small moments of empty happiness.

I'm grateful that I'm in a place right now where joy and happiness outweighs the hesitations and red flags I naturally lean towards. I'm grateful for my friends and boif who bring me so much happiness and happy that I feel okay with taking it day by day and try to stay in the moment as much as I can. I don't feel tied to this relationship anymore, but feel as if I'm a willing participant... That makes all the difference.

Sunday Affirmations...

If you're like me you have an eye for the straight/ butch guys who were born two seconds on either side of straight and sometimes seem to have the sensitivity and insight of a rock. (There's a simple test for this: if you ask him what he's thinking about, he says nothing and really means it...) If you're like me you deal out sarcasm shrouded as wit to project your false confidence and maintain a level, and low, emotional playing field. If you're like me you have self-esteem issues that lead you on a constant hunt for the smallest and most insincere affirmations and eat them up like chocolate covered Bings (take that where ever your mind leads you).

This is the death nail for the gay man, I'm convinced. Finding endorsement in porn, drugs, drink and dick has potential for leading us down the most self-destructive, empty paths we could find. At best it leads to stagnation. 'Bullshit' you say? I know you've been there; I saw you with my own eyes;a night of drunken debauchery awakens to an ego only slightly more bruised than our liver. Ever been cheated on by a partner? This is how they got there...

Granted these are not my ideas, nor are they the most profound, but to me the idea of finding true happiness in life relies on two issues: integrity and a feeling of worth. In fact, worth comes from happiness which comes from following one's passions. I love to hear the boif tell me how good my hair looks (stop laughing, it happened once!) and could easily spend my day drinking and exchanging compliments with any number of friends; these are important and fun parts of any relationship although deep and meaningful (read: long-lasting) happiness, confidence and growth, for me, comes from deeper passions: drumming, music, working with kids, time with family and friends, travel, photography... These are the activities that repeatedly bring me happiness. Passion is the healthiest of cycles and possibly the most impacting on our lives: Find happiness, rinse and repeat.

If you made it this far I'd love to hear your passions! If you didn't, I never liked you much anyway. ♥

Up at 4am for a shot of cough syrup and a cig. Can you say 'self-destructive'? I knew that you could.

I'm in love and I don't care who knows it....

I'd always dreamed of traveling with a boy I loved and other gay men. To many it seems a trivial, minor goal in life; those that either don't understand the difficulty of hiding who you are for the first 30 years of life, or who had the balls to reveal themselves and live with integrity from an early age. To me it was the weekend of a lifetime. I love my boif, I love my friends, I'm really loving my life right now (knock knock). Oh, and I got my lexapro refilled. mmmm, I love lexapro....

thought for later: Why do vaginas sometimes smell so bad that you can detect their stench a room away? If my ass ever smelled bad enough to fill the room, I'd be mortified. Anyway, discuss amongst yourselves, I have a hankerin' for some fish tacos.