Sunday Affirmations...

If you're like me you have an eye for the straight/ butch guys who were born two seconds on either side of straight and sometimes seem to have the sensitivity and insight of a rock. (There's a simple test for this: if you ask him what he's thinking about, he says nothing and really means it...) If you're like me you deal out sarcasm shrouded as wit to project your false confidence and maintain a level, and low, emotional playing field. If you're like me you have self-esteem issues that lead you on a constant hunt for the smallest and most insincere affirmations and eat them up like chocolate covered Bings (take that where ever your mind leads you).

This is the death nail for the gay man, I'm convinced. Finding endorsement in porn, drugs, drink and dick has potential for leading us down the most self-destructive, empty paths we could find. At best it leads to stagnation. 'Bullshit' you say? I know you've been there; I saw you with my own eyes;a night of drunken debauchery awakens to an ego only slightly more bruised than our liver. Ever been cheated on by a partner? This is how they got there...

Granted these are not my ideas, nor are they the most profound, but to me the idea of finding true happiness in life relies on two issues: integrity and a feeling of worth. In fact, worth comes from happiness which comes from following one's passions. I love to hear the boif tell me how good my hair looks (stop laughing, it happened once!) and could easily spend my day drinking and exchanging compliments with any number of friends; these are important and fun parts of any relationship although deep and meaningful (read: long-lasting) happiness, confidence and growth, for me, comes from deeper passions: drumming, music, working with kids, time with family and friends, travel, photography... These are the activities that repeatedly bring me happiness. Passion is the healthiest of cycles and possibly the most impacting on our lives: Find happiness, rinse and repeat.

If you made it this far I'd love to hear your passions! If you didn't, I never liked you much anyway. ♥

Up at 4am for a shot of cough syrup and a cig. Can you say 'self-destructive'? I knew that you could.

I'm in love and I don't care who knows it....

I'd always dreamed of traveling with a boy I loved and other gay men. To many it seems a trivial, minor goal in life; those that either don't understand the difficulty of hiding who you are for the first 30 years of life, or who had the balls to reveal themselves and live with integrity from an early age. To me it was the weekend of a lifetime. I love my boif, I love my friends, I'm really loving my life right now (knock knock). Oh, and I got my lexapro refilled. mmmm, I love lexapro....

thought for later: Why do vaginas sometimes smell so bad that you can detect their stench a room away? If my ass ever smelled bad enough to fill the room, I'd be mortified. Anyway, discuss amongst yourselves, I have a hankerin' for some fish tacos.

Self-help section

Giving into my inner girl has always been fun for me... And where better to explore than the self-help section? Here are three current/ recent reads I'd recommend to everyone, or, to start, the three of you! (The Amazon comments, then my comments in this color.



Your life sucks if…

• You routinely make someone or something more important than you

• The life you are living on the outside doesn’t match who you are on the inside

• You say yes when you mean no

• You try to fix other people

• You’ve forgotten to enjoy the ride



This is a most unusual book on leadership. The premise here is not about leadership approaches, methodologies for managing employees in the workplace, or other business strategy, but is instead a close and powerful look at how we view others and how that view impacts our ability to lead them.

(My dad lent me this book, and while it's intended as a novel style book for leadership in business, it has everything to do with how we treat each other and how we find happiness and fulfillment in living truly and with integrity. A very quick and fun read.)







Therapist Downs's book describes the paradigmatic ways in which early childhood molds the future lives of gay men: scorned on the playground, disrespected by Dad, loved only by Mom until their first sex with men. Through this mechanism of rejection, gay men feel unlovable, correspondingly angry and, he says, driven to heights of creativity and "fabulousness"—in addition to shopping addiction and obsessions with fat, muscle and penis size—in a bid to distract themselves from their inner shame.

(Should be required for every gay man, and PFLAG's... I reference it all the time. When I recommended it to the boif, he asked if it would conflict with any of his religious beliefs. Ugh... The irony, of course, is that THAT's exactly why he should read it.)

C'mon get happy...

Fact is I prefer to write when things are not going so well and the fact is that right now, at this particular moment, things are really going very very well. If they were going perfectly I'd not be craving a cig at 9:30 am, I'd not have a tinge of a headache from the drinks and sleeping pill last night (is that why that stickers on the side of the bottle?) and I'd have more time to spend with friends who have been very good about staying in touch....

BUT.... The happy pills have kicked in, the boy is in the other room watching TV (he's usually here these days), I had another fun filled (and sushi filled! yum...) night with S&C last night, and even squeezed in a couple hours of drumming on Friday. Life is good... It could change at any moment, I know, and I'm prepared in that I'm living for today, and living without regret. :) Happy times... We all need them now and then.... (Quote from some cheesy commercial I saw last night: "Live for today, learn for tomorrow." dig...)

New Year's Revolutions

Everyone seems to be starting out their New Year's posts by pointing out how they hate New Year's Resolutions. Fine, but to me this is a logical time to look back on the previous year and take note of where we have improvements to make. Here are my resolutions for the new year:

• Continue to develop and cultivate my friendships. In the past I have gotten lazy and focused on a friend or two at a time. I'm not out for the number but in my quest to build true community I know the responsibility lies on me to pick up the phone, drop by and spread invites.


• Get to work on time. With my 'itinerant' status (that does NOT mean sub, by the way...) it is easy for my to slip into work a bit late from time to time. I would be more effective if I was there on on time.


• Continue to commit myself to healthy living. Specifically: set a new quit smoking date and continue going to the gym at least 4 times a week.


• Record with the band and play out at least twice a month, preferably to an audience (novel idea).


• Commit myself to my relationship with the boy, while continuing to take it moment by moment and do not over analyze.


• Be happy... Live out loud... Laugh... "Be the person your dog thinks you are..." (I know, I need to get out of these elementary schools...)


• Travel... That's what the second job is for... Get out of debt and get out of the house...

Sláinte...

New Year Brings New Hope (with Reminders)

Great New Year's gathering last night raised my hopes for an upcoming year filled with love, friends, growth and satisfaction. Headlines this morning, coupled with the boy disappearing for the day (we've spent nearly every moment of the past week together) brought me back to earth and reminded me to take things slow. I'm still hopeful, although am back to cautiously optimistic. Still having these minor, but daily, anxiety attacks... sometimes I can pinpoint the origin but many times it's much more generalized... Maybe it's the feeling of being alive? Haunted? Hesitant? Hopeful? Fear?

Moment by moment and day by day we build our lives...

(notice new bush countdown clock below...)