The Healing Shuffle
Today honors the end of my 33rd year and as I lay in bed, not sleeping (seems to be the 'in thing' right now) I can't help but think back over this tumultuous year and wonder where I am now.
On the upside: I have a great job that I love; I worked a new job over the summer that I found to be pretty rewarding and fun; I have my new friends (S&C) who I care for dearly. Also, I have lost both of my remaining grandparents to cancer; I decided to leave my bf of almost 8 years and gone though a period which was one part soul searching to two parts disintegration. Then there are the normal day to day things: my dad's back surgery; the ongoing saga of my sister's inconsistent participation (elusive enough?). Recently there are the unfortunate related series of events that we are still working through (and wont be discussed here... I'm not taking any more chances...)
In talking about said events/ issues.. whatever they are... C shared with me that part of the root of this problem was an issue/ trait that he and another of the innocent bystanders/ participants shared. I see his point and and I awoke this morning from another jealousy dream, and came here to look over the past year's entries, this one in particular, I realize I have my own issue: inferiority.
Rather than embrace the time away form the BF and work towards bettering myself (working out, meeting more new friends, reflecting on self-improvement, etc.) I chose to fall apart. My home is a wreck, I'm smoking again, I haven't been to the gym but three times (and usually leave early because I can't stay focused,) and the more I talk to him the more I realize that the BF must have been out every night during our time apart. He met K, and some guy from Lex. and has really been enjoying his time of renewal doing new things with these new people. He was also working out 6 times a week, cleaning and generally taking care of himself. Honest to God I'm glad for him and admire his ability to acknowledge and pursue what he needs.
Now, this is dangerous territory and would be unfair to ignore that he had a very tough time too. My objective is not to attack him but to point out that I think I may be jealous of much of this; I have no right to be. I feel like our time apart was much needed and the way I chose to spend it was my choice; I chose to have this time. I made some wrong choices, no biggies, but wrong all the same. (I must also say that I made some good choices; meeting S&C was a leap of faith and has been one of the best things I've done for myself. The difference was that they were introduced to me my a trusted friend...). Let's just say my time could have been better spent. K and I spoke online early on as well. K & the bf met in a coffee shop the first time. K invited me to that coffee shop and I declined, repeatedly. Why? Intimidation. I felt inferior. While I was looking only for a friend, his pics and phd and so forth told me I was not good enough. The boy went forward (his usual confident self) with the meeting and shared a wonderful time for weeks; I love and despise that about him (envy...)
So why do I care? No idea... I had S&C. I had JVJ... I had my support, and I had my good times in between the hurt and tears... So why am I still laying bed next to this man wondering.... obsessively... just wondering? Part if it is that I wish it could have been me next to him at these times, and to me that's love, not jealousy. But if I'm going to be honest, there's more than that.
On the upside: I have a great job that I love; I worked a new job over the summer that I found to be pretty rewarding and fun; I have my new friends (S&C) who I care for dearly. Also, I have lost both of my remaining grandparents to cancer; I decided to leave my bf of almost 8 years and gone though a period which was one part soul searching to two parts disintegration. Then there are the normal day to day things: my dad's back surgery; the ongoing saga of my sister's inconsistent participation (elusive enough?). Recently there are the unfortunate related series of events that we are still working through (and wont be discussed here... I'm not taking any more chances...)
In talking about said events/ issues.. whatever they are... C shared with me that part of the root of this problem was an issue/ trait that he and another of the innocent bystanders/ participants shared. I see his point and and I awoke this morning from another jealousy dream, and came here to look over the past year's entries, this one in particular, I realize I have my own issue: inferiority.
Rather than embrace the time away form the BF and work towards bettering myself (working out, meeting more new friends, reflecting on self-improvement, etc.) I chose to fall apart. My home is a wreck, I'm smoking again, I haven't been to the gym but three times (and usually leave early because I can't stay focused,) and the more I talk to him the more I realize that the BF must have been out every night during our time apart. He met K, and some guy from Lex. and has really been enjoying his time of renewal doing new things with these new people. He was also working out 6 times a week, cleaning and generally taking care of himself. Honest to God I'm glad for him and admire his ability to acknowledge and pursue what he needs.
Now, this is dangerous territory and would be unfair to ignore that he had a very tough time too. My objective is not to attack him but to point out that I think I may be jealous of much of this; I have no right to be. I feel like our time apart was much needed and the way I chose to spend it was my choice; I chose to have this time. I made some wrong choices, no biggies, but wrong all the same. (I must also say that I made some good choices; meeting S&C was a leap of faith and has been one of the best things I've done for myself. The difference was that they were introduced to me my a trusted friend...). Let's just say my time could have been better spent. K and I spoke online early on as well. K & the bf met in a coffee shop the first time. K invited me to that coffee shop and I declined, repeatedly. Why? Intimidation. I felt inferior. While I was looking only for a friend, his pics and phd and so forth told me I was not good enough. The boy went forward (his usual confident self) with the meeting and shared a wonderful time for weeks; I love and despise that about him (envy...)
So why do I care? No idea... I had S&C. I had JVJ... I had my support, and I had my good times in between the hurt and tears... So why am I still laying bed next to this man wondering.... obsessively... just wondering? Part if it is that I wish it could have been me next to him at these times, and to me that's love, not jealousy. But if I'm going to be honest, there's more than that.
Go Crazy?
Home video shot in my home at 3am today... Dunno why I was babbling about TV and beer though, is not the problem at all...
God, please grant me the fucking ANSWERS!
I still don't know what the hell I'm doing. It's been about 5 weeks since the break up and I am no more clear now about things than I was then. The first couple weeks were tough, and I knew they would be... Then I started to gain some clarity and began to see a future... And then... Yesterday... it hit the fan. Seems that the ex's new supportive friend is one of MY supportive friends as well. Hate it for the guy, he's stuck in the middle (well, more to the ex's side of middle, apparently)... And they have spent A LOT of time together... Museums, hiking, movies, dinner, a gay bar, baking cookies (gag... and at what point does this becoming dating?)
Anyway.. We talked at length this morning (after I spent the night at S&C's... I cannot function on 4 hours sleep anymore.. Who do I think I am?) and in addition to jealous (a worthy weapon for him, if used properly) deeply sad, angry, deceived, befuddled, and just amazed at how this has all played out... mostly I'm worried... I'm not afraid of going back to him; hell, if it's where I'll be happy it's where I should be... But I'm definitely afraid of going back for the wrong reasons:
- it's comfortable and all I've known
- to keep him from ending up with K (the 'supportive' friend)
- buying into a set of potentially empty promises (or honest changes...)
- fear of loneliness/ dating/ rejection...
Why I left (& what I got from our talk today):
- tired of living alone (he wants us to move in together)
- need for community (he's realized this is something he needs as well... the supportive friend is that: supportive.)
- feeling like we didn't know each other (he feels the same way, and feels that we need to share more of our lives.. to really know each other...)
- stagnation (ditto... he talked today about traveling; sharing community; etc.)
- holidays- I'm tired of going to events alone, esp. thanksgiving and Christmas, because he's with his family... (he won't come out to his family, but volunteered that they will have to just deal with him having other plans on holidays. and we'll be living together.. they're not gonna figure this out?)
- affection (we agreed that was lacking...)
- being out together... I wrote earlier about the incident in Raleigh when someone at the table asked him who he was with, and he said himself, refusing to acknowledge that he was there with me... That broke my heart, and he knows it, he mentioned it today... (He wants to be with me... in full... well, cept for the parents I guess...)
To me the most important aspect of this is that he needs to do these things for himself. He has started doing these things on his own, and for himself. He said that he has realized these are things that he needs... I agree...
So what do I do? We have 8 years under the bridge (my gay to straight calculators says that's like 16 in straight years.) With this do we deserve another chance? OR should I know, after these 8 years, that things never change?
I'm 100% confused and lost... Every day brings the same... (side note: where did those bruises come from?!)
The Hypocrite?
The band is something that means a lot to me. Music is one of my two passions (working with kids being the other) and as I test these waters of 'gayness' or more importantly, exploring who I am, I try to tip my toes into uncomfortable waters just to get a feel for my reaction. Lately I have put myself into an interesting set of circumstances.
I have, within the past few weeks, been introduced to a couple of guys that are thus far successfully confirming my perspectives. A couple that has been together for 22 years, despite, or because of their many differences. I love being around them (now known as C & S) because of their love, support, self-confidence, awareness and community. The more time I share with these two, and the folks I've met through them, the more I kow that I'm heading down my path. A path of openesss and fulfillment, slowly though it may be travelled.
Along those lines, I continue to be tested. There are some folks that I have not come out to yet, some because it's simply not relevant (co-workers and such) and some that I simply do not trust to know me for who I am. These folks, two specifically, are linked to me through music and are people that I consider to be important in my life.
Typically, after band practice, the three of us carry our music and sweat drenched selves upstairs to have dinner, cooked by KD's wife... We share time with their kids and, after the kids are down, take turns sharing stories, jabs and jokes. Tonight the conversation took an interesting turn. The wife knows I'm gay; but let's say she suspects... There are few women that have the gaydar like this woman does... But she's got it nailed...
The conversation started with the kids; the son is 4ish and loves playing dress up, pretending he's a girl, and playing with his barbie. Mom's cool with this, and is already well prepared for the possibilty that he may grow up to be a gay mnan ( yes, I know, this is developmentally appropriate and has no true signifigance of future sexuality, but you get the point). Dad, on the other hand, has some hang-ups. When she asked "which would you rather have, a gay son or a blind son, " I quickly (too quickly) answer that I'd be blessed to have ANY child, and given the choice, would prefer to have a gay son over a child with any handicap.
I am absolutely shocked to find that the other two (the wife agreed with me, citing her goal for her kids to be happy, no mater the challenges they faced) btoh said that homosexuality would be their last choice beyond any disability.
More shocking, further, was my inability to step up and admit my own sexual orientation... What an easy come back? What an opportunity? I folded... I know, all in good time... But how do I, in good conscience, hang out with my new friends tomorrow night, knowing how I've denied the opportunity to defend myself and them to these other people who I also consider friends. I'm saddened by the missed opportunity to open these two worlds to each other.
My sister recently taught me the saying, "what other people think of you is none of your business..." and I'm trying to live by this. finding solice in it's simplicity... But when the rubber hits the road I'm still living in two very seperate worlds... Worlds supremely ruled by the opinions of others, or at least my perspective of such opinions...
In the end, I suspect that I have trumped them all... wosre than blind or gay? How about chickenshit-edness?
Our Battle
Today, as you have no doubt heard, is World AIDS day. To do my part I will participate this Sunday in Triad Health Project's Winter Walk. I have set a goal of $500 and have received many generous offers from many wonderful friends/ family members, although I am coming up $105 short. If you would like to participate please click the picture above and send in your donation. Know that anything you can do, in any manner or regard, to honor this day and this ferocious fight really does make a difference. Be well.
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