Poorly Trained Monkey

Greensboro Coffe House Tour- Day One

2008-07-01T11:21:00.005-05:00

This morning I began my tour of Greensboro Coffee Houses at 'Coffee at the Summit'.

Coffee at the Summit has been a favorite haunt of mine for some time now, although I'd not nearly qualify as a regular. Since it is near my office, I typically just drop in for a to-go cup and quick hello to the owner- I enjoy his dedication to the community and, particularly, the youth as he promotes music education as a means of touching the hearts and lives of local youth.

From their website: "In a unique coffee house in the heart of the Aycock Historic District. We are dedicated to providing the residential and business communities with a welcoming place to fellowship and network with friends, family, and associates. We offer a delectable array of food and drinks to suit all tastes in a comfortable, friendly atmosphere that invites you to relax and enjoy yourself. Oh yes, we also serve an excellent cup of coffee !"

My (humble and totally unqualified) review:

coffee: Upon entering I was given a large black coffee- Albeit flavored. I'm not into flavored coffees- they just don't taste as good as they smell, to me. But I did appreciate the service. My second cup was a delicious Americano- I'd say 3.5 out of 5. Tasty, hot and strong- A bit more water than In prefer, and no crema... although I'm not sure if this is a fair expectation. Somehow they pulled crema on an Americano in Paris, but don't know if that's typical.
Atmosphere: An easy 5 of 5... absolutely love being in this 98 year-old victorian house. Amazing renovations highlight all the best features, includes a stunning wrap-around front porch.
People watching: I'm amazed that there are not more folks wandering around this place. Three people stopped in for a bit, but not too long. I really think this business is just an undiscovered gem and hope that more people find it soon! To his credit the owner has kept the outside very unpretentious, althoug this may cause passerbys to not notice as much. Anyway, people watching oppotunites are few and far behind.
Proximity to home: 7.45 miles from home- it takes me from 10 to 20 minutes to get here, depending on traffic. Not too close to home, although it is seconds from work and another establishment I frequent.
Wi-fi: Is free and unlimited!
Price: Went with a friend of mine and we paid $7.42 for four large coffees- $1.85 a cup! Outstanding.
Music: Stan is a jazz aficiando and hence the music here is spectacular- and as it turns out, the cd we were listening to was made by the group of kids he teaches; I never would have guessed it- So interesting and professional...
Miscellaneous:

pros:

Well thought design and atmosphere.
Friendly and knowledgeable barista
I proudly spend my money here, knowing that it is going to support a number of worthwhile issues/ causes- music education, reaching out to youth at risk, African-American owned small-business, etc...

cons:

parking is an issue- I'm not sure if the lot next door is permitted.
the shop was not yet open when I arrived at 9am, but opened shortly thereafter. While inconvenient, this somehow added some charm.
I really like to have my 'for here' coffee served in a mug, rather than a to-go cup. Nit picky- I agree.

Another blog I ran across that mentions CATS.

Come here often?

2008-06-30T08:38:00.005-05:00

Well hello there- Long time no see. What an inappropriate way to end a blog. Sorry bout that.

Lots of changes here since last we spoke... but I'm not in the mood to get into it. Summer's here and, as usual, I'm trying to start a bunch of ambitious projects I'll never finish (write book, get a personal trainer, start a garden to end all gardens, etc.) mostly to put of the projects I should really be working on (clean out my townhouse, which has sat unused, besides to store ratty clothes, unwanted books and piles of dog hair, for the past year.

One project I may work on (see?!) is to tour my local coffee houses. Just back from Paris, and no longer drinking, I am increasingly interested in coffee houses/ cafes. What makes a good coffee house? Here are some ideas:

Coffee: Is it safe to assume that they all have a good sense of what to serve? Don't know the answer- I would hope so. But... Chances are good they know more than me...
Atmosphere: Does it have the 'feel' of a genuine coffee house, or more of someone's strip mall side project? Can't put my finger on it, but if there is an absence of 'funk' we'll be scoring low here. Commercial chain shops will score low here.
People watching: My favorite past time... The reason Parisian cafes exist...
Proximity to the home: After all, it's all about me.
Wi-fi: Whatcha gonna do when people watching is slow? Charging for wifi is bull... Especially more than a couple bucks... 1... 2... 3...
Price
Music: As I type this I'm listening to an adult contemporary, "all the hits, all the time", guaranteed not to offend anyone generic bullshit... 1... 2... 3...

Anyway- Lets see how it goes.... Now, on to that book.... "Once upon a time there was a fairy princess named Bruce..."

2007-10-18T07:24:00.000-05:00

Ramblin' on bout livin'

2007-09-30T17:17:00.000-05:00

I was lonely kid, no doubt about it. I held very special value for my family for my lack of friends and, as a result, I suspect, it took me quite a while to figure out how to pick up and hold tight to friends. Believe it or not, it was not until High School until I realized that I liked having people around, and it may not have been until College that I learned how to keep them around. I was so deeply connected to family that I was homesick for the the first three years of my career, at least.

It can be slow progress, socially, as a gay man, and slower still with other stuff going on (and I ain't gettin' into all that...) What I have come to learn, though, is that I have developed a strong sense of what I understand to be life: that is, how actively I integrate myself into the living around me.

Living:

skiing

talking with close friends

singing while driving (specially from the passenger side)

rock and roll

drums

playing music

eating dinner with friends, while playing with their kids and puppies

listening to a friend play you a song

singing alongside a friend, hearing them sing for the first time

frisbee

recognizing God in one's surroundings (I saw ten turtles sunning on a log deep in the woods; I had a 2nd grader tell me, "There's power in this hand," after writing an unusually long essay, etc...)

checking out hot boys (especially when they KNOW you're checking them out...)

long conversations about nothing (and everything?!)

trying to explain emotion

light reflected off of snow

silliness and laughter

circles (fire circles/ drum circles, etc.)

dancing

honesty

sex with a man you are in love with

Not-living/ avoiding life:

videogames

television

drinking/ drugs

stress

isolation

hiding

shyness

wearing masks

fear

lies/ living in your mind alone

celebacy to please others (and they don't care!)

I've been thinking lately about the difference between living independently and interdependently. I feel pretty independent, although we all need someone from time to time. Despite this independence I am constantly seeking interdependence. I long for my partner to stand at my side and work with my towards a common goal. That's not happening. I love when I get that feeling of working towards a common idea: this usually comes with playing music... This is really where I found my earliest connections and I thank God for this... Without Drumming I don't know that I'd be anything more than I was at 10 years old, and that wasn't good. Trust me.

Okay: Off to take a vicodin and watch TV.... We all need room to grow :)

What if?

2007-08-01T11:34:00.000-05:00

One day, long ago, young God was sitting on the stony banks of his great sea, alone in the universe he had freshly created. God was happy, but not yet content; he felt that more remained. As he thought about the overwhelming possibilities he began to feel emptiness and then sadness. God took in a deep breath to calm himself and exhaled slowly and with purpose.

God's breath left His being and floated calmly out to the very sea he had thought into existence. Th sea rose to meet the friction of this breath creating the first wave. this wave continued to roll upon itself, putting in motion the beautiful yet stagnant rock bottom of the sea. The rocks swirled and crashed against themselves creating the sands which would follow the waves onto shore, lie themselves still and become beaches upon which the moving inhabitants of the sea were moved to perch.

Initially god felt little resolve from his breathing exercises and looked around for some hint as to his next move (God's never been good with free time...) Unbenownst to him the world had changed around him and soon these changes appeared to Him. Above him, where there had only been stale glimmers of light, the stars began to flicker, clouds began to roll over (although they had been placed far behind him at the mountain tops) and the moon began to fall, as the sun rose ahead (it had been intended only for the vast warmth of his other favorite sitting spot on the far side of His world).

God worried. He'd spent so much time and energy working on this project, his little 'get away from it all' spot and now it seemed to be caving in on itself. God had faith in his abilities and sat back and watched. Birds flew over, the moons an sun alternated their positions, and great rains fell.

God felt better. He enjoyed the constant changes in his vaca spot as well as the ability to see it all without travel (he used to have to walk sooo far to those plains). He enjoyed the dolphins out playing in the water, the snow upon his tongue and feeding upon the luscious vegetation that surrounded Him, bu the emptiness remained. "What more can I do?" He thought and right on cue, as if by plan, a young human couple walked out on the beach before him. He looked curiously at his creation and smiled at the uprightness of it all... "What a clever beast this is," he said, and patted himself on the back (much as he had done with the other's that had crossed this particular ground.)

As he watched he realized there was something different here. The two humans frolicked, much as the other animals had; they played, rested, ate... all the activities God had seen a million times before... and then they kissed. God sat slack jawed... what was this? He had sensed something similar in the other creatures, and even in himself, but had never seen it played out in quite this way. As he watched the couple grew closer physically and emotionally and He smiled more and more. As the couple's emotional state grew, so did His until it reached the point that God's heart, for the first time in his young life, was full. "Love," He pronounced, and His creation was complete.

It's about damn time...

2007-07-24T06:18:00.000-05:00

Thank GOD I finally heard someone say it (even though you have to watch the the entire clip to see the cut off version of his answer...)... It's seems so fundamental the only way to resolve the issue of gay marriage in our country is to require that our government accept, acknowledge and promote civil unions of all people, straight or gay with the individual churches deciding whether or not the union is a marriage... It's a matter of vocabulary within belief and the government has no place in making that decision for a church... The candidates that support separation but do not see it this way contradict themselves... I'm liking this guy more and more every day...

Go Obama Go!!! (And I agree with Jon on the jacket; why didn't she ask about his hair?!)

I know, it's not the only issue, and truthful, not the most pressing issue out there, but one that continues to build my trust in this man's honesty and passion... Hope I don't have to eat those words...

On the highway to .. the inner light

2007-07-20T16:52:00.000-05:00

Interesting website I heard about last week at the Quaker meeting I attended:

No huge surprise that I came out with 100% tendency toward Liberal Quakerism and 94% each of Unitarian Universalism (which I currently attend) and, of all things, Reformed Judaism... That one never occurred to me, but makes some sense... (Two of my lowest, I'm proud to say, are Catholicism and Jehovah's witness...)

Side note: Is it coincidence that Bush finally signed a anti-"torture" bill the day before he went in for his colonoscopy?

The Good Word... The God Word...

2007-07-14T21:44:00.000-05:00

God has spoken to me... It's not the first time, and I feel like I've long been an empty vessel for receiving this voice (we all are, if we so choose), but never have I heard the voice as loudly as I have this weekend. What was intended as, or expected to be, a few days of drunken poolside leisure has somehow progressed into what I hope will be a life changing experience... Three sleeping boys in the room, and my own sore-hunched back keep me from fully sharing this experience... But the summation that was provided to me was nothing unexpected, but somehow transforming.... How profound, the power behind one word:

Surrender

There are no accidents... Accept the plan and let god have his way... It's really the only way...

this is The Truth and The Truth has been revealed...

Scary language provided to me in the easiest pill I've ever swallowed.

What'chu talkin' bout Willis...

2007-06-26T15:04:00.000-05:00

Granted, I'm a slow processor... Not to be confused with an idiot, it takes me a long time to think through my feelings on topics and events... I often don't trust my initial reactions and must take time to think it through... anyway, like I said, slow processor... So I again broach the topic of Gay Marriage. Inspired by Joe.My.God's recent mention of Elizabeth Edwards' support of gay marriage I ask this: Why does government have a say in the issue? My understanding is that the opposition to two people of the same gender being 'married' is an interpretation of the term itself. While one church may see marriage as only between a man and a woman, other churches do not. Who is the government to interpret religious text?

Now I do see the civil aspects of the situation: someone needs to regulate... Take care of the blood work (careful with kissing cousins, etc...) to be sure people know what they're getting into and to be able to profit off the unions... But what if the government performed civil unions, regardless of orientation, and sent it on to the church to be recognized or denied as a true 'marriage'. This way everyone would be sharing the same legal rights but would still be subject to the beliefs of the particular church they choose to attend.

In my mind I do not want the government telling me that my Unitarian Universalist Church cannot perform marriages any more than as a Southern Baptist wants the government telling them that they must perform these religious unions.

To me we are unclear as to what, exactly, the battle is that we're fighting. Is this really a matter of marriages? Are we really clear on the differences? When 'we' talk about legalization of gay marriages, are we telling churches what they must do? Have we jumped into a situation that is unclear in vocabulary, idea and goal?

(side note: I did try to track back to Joe's orignial post, but I'm not sure I did it correctly. Very worth reading if my links don't tke you there directly.)

State of The Confusion

2007-06-25T00:22:00.000-05:00

It seems the tide has changed here lately, have my stars aligned? While it scares the shit out of me that things are going so well, it strikes me that I need to remain consistent to my preaching the importance of remaining in the moment and celebrate the good times... So here goes, all that is important:

The band: I'm sitting here typing along with the newly-recorded and mixed album from The Crap Rock All Stars... Man I love this shit, and deeply love these guys... We've spent about 24 hours and a (to me) sizable amount recording some of the best rock music you'll find in the past 10 years... While we all come from different angles (me, the uptight anal one; G with his musically genius ear and free form ways and K who walks the line between our personalities and somehow finds a way to get his amazing AMAZING songs to tape.. with kick balls leads and vocals, and all the heart in the world...). And time spent with Matty S this afternoon was eye-opening... a-mazing, and not just for the playing...

The friends: God I fell in love with S & C at day one and knew their relationship is the reality of the dream I've always held for two people.. And something worth, truly dedicating my life-force worth, totally throwing myself towards.. While I've long held a vision of how my life was meant to be lead, these guys have somehow put action to my thought and made me such a better person... I can feel it in my heart and see it in my actions... There is no accident in our knowing each other...

J: She's somehow hung on through the long haul and now met Dr. Love, who is all too easy on the eyes and seemingly Mr. Super Niceguy... I pray it works out well, but I all I know to be true tonight is that I am so happy to have seen her smile again... I love that girl...

The boy- Nothing I can put into words... We both seem to have a better understanding these days.. And I think we are both going through some interesting growth wherein we can and must be more of our true selves while both realizing the true worth of our relationship... It's a fine line at times... I've never loved him more and love him more by the day... So far it's been worth the trip... Day by day we grow...

The job: Well, I'm on summer break, so I am, of course, feeling very good about it... although the dichotomy is that the better I feel about it the more I think I should get back to school and throw myself into the area that most fascinates me: classroom management and behaviors disorders... Never thought I'd be there but I know now that that which we most fear is often the area in which we have the most to learn... and embracing that fear has thus far brought me a long way professionally and personally... I mean, who could deal with a gay conservative republican boyfriend better than a behavior specialist?!

What shall tomorrow bring?!?! More of the same I hope...

More Blogger Bullshit

2007-06-22T10:27:00.001-05:00

Your Brain's Pattern

Your mind is a firestorm - full of intensity and drama.
Your thoughts may seem scattered to you most of the time...
But they often seem strong and passionate to those around you.
You are a natural influencer. The thoughts you share are very powerful and persuading.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

8 Things: A Personal MEME

2007-06-21T11:02:00.002-05:00

Okay, Dougie tagged me for this meme, which in all honesty I'd seen, but hadn't considered doing... I try to walk that fine line of keeping it personal without giving away anything, well, personal... And since Doug may be the only reader I have that I don't know in 'real life' (not that you're not real Doug, stop sulking, or are you smelling your breath...) I am trying to come up with 8 things they don't know either (I pretty much tell everyone everything about me... to a flaw for sure; I like to talk about myself.) Here goes:

When I was a kid I'd walk around speaking in nonsensical language, sure that someone would overhear me and be awed with my ability, or magically understand what I was saying. They would be my soul mate and best friend... and stuff...

I got a taste for cigarettes in third grade when I would steal packs from my dad's carton... but more commonly, from his Chevette's ashtray... GAG!!! I finally got caught cause I smoked out of my bedroom window... I think my dad got in more trouble than I as my mom had been trying to get him to quit for quite a while. He apparently remained a closet smoker until about 5 years ago when a heart attack revealed his secret. (Even though I wasn't crystal clear that he was alive, I had to take a shower to wash the smoke off of my own skin before driving 1/2 an hour to the hospital, so my mom wouldn't know... The cycle continues.)

I fart louder and longer than anyone I've met, but many of my friends know this. Sadly I'm quite proud of this ability.

I did not realize there was a state between California and Washington until I'd been teaching for at least 2-3 years.

My dream job growing up was to work in a tiny magazine stand/ shop, much like the ones you'd find on NYC street corners (see above)... Or maybe a walk-up food window.. Something about the tiny space excites me... Maybe when I retire...

My favorite smells, although often awful, are those that remind me of past experiences and people: cigarettes and Seagram's Seven (my dad); cigar smoke and cedarwood, like in a cigar box (my grandfather); lavender and blueberries (my grandmother); bleach (porn shops); very dark coffee (okay, that's enough, but $1 if you can guess...)

Sometimes I do not recognize people I know, even when I've known them for years... i.e.: my boss, my sister...

I believe that in some/ many ways gay men are more advanced than straight men. Eek! Controversy!

You're the debil...

2007-06-20T10:17:00.001-05:00

Guess some people I know wouldn't be too surprised to find that I'm the devil...

You are The Devil

Materiality. Material Force. Material temptation; sometimes obsession

The Devil is often a great card for business success; hard work and ambition.

Perhaps the most misunderstood of all the major arcana, the Devil is not really "Satan" at all, but Pan the half-goat nature god and/or Dionysius. These are gods of pleasure and abandon, of wild behavior and unbridled desires. This is a card about ambitions; it is also synonymous with temptation and addiction. On the flip side, however, the card can be a warning to someone who is too restrained, someone who never allows themselves to get passionate or messy or wild - or ambitious. This, too, is a form of enslavement. As a person, the Devil can stand for a man of money or erotic power, aggressive, controlling, or just persuasive. This is not to say a bad man, but certainly a powerful man who is hard to resist. The important thing is to remember that any chain is freely worn. In most cases, you are enslaved only because you allow it.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

A Boy Can Dream

2007-06-20T08:20:00.000-05:00

I guess it's time I come clean and let you know who the "boif" really is... His name is Glenn and we've been seeing each other since 2002 when he hit me up on myspace... I'm super excited cause when he's touring with his band I don't get to see him much (although he does call me from the road at least once a day... some might call it an obsession...) but they will be in Charlotte tonight, so we'll get to catch up for a bit (I'm sure the backstage pass is waiting for me there, along with the seating upgrade; he loves to surprise me) Anyway, enough about sweet-ums, err... Glenn... Here's his pic and a couple of videos.... drool....

Summer... It turns me upside down

2007-06-19T05:37:00.000-05:00

Ahhhh... First day of summer and I can let out that annual sigh as I settle into doing... well... whatever I want... It was not a bad year by any means, and still loving my new role(s) at work... although I think my general feel of the year was summed up yesterday when I walked into my office to pack a couple things up and heard my co-worker bitching and moaning about the spaces we were being moved into. I don't know, there are just some things I can change and some things I can't and some things I just don't give a shit about. Having to move my office down the hall to a smaller space is just not high on my list of things to bitch about. She's lonely and miserable and I should be more sympathetic, but a year is a long time to listen to someone moan.... It starts to sound like some very, very long death rattle; Starts to bring you down at some point and yesterday I hit the wall.... Whew, what a rant... Anyway, here are my goals for the summer:

finish painting my 1st level (damn how many years have I listed that?)

finish the new album.... (just love saying that.. hehe...)

move in with the boif, and not strangle him in the process... (definitely may want to split that out into two seperate goals later...)

read five books (suggestions?)

trips: hiking, beach, Baltimore, Asheville (?)

work out 4-5 times a week

quit smoking (sigh... cough cough...)

talk to BS about grad school...

study for the GRE

What happens in a gay bar ends up on the internet...

2007-06-10T12:13:00.001-05:00

This is one of the sexiest, sweetest, most beautiful and ballsiest things I've seen in a while... (found at keithboykin.com)

Enrique Iglesias Thrills Gay Fan
Uploaded by funscenes3

zoom in for a better look...

Who are you? Who who, who who....

2007-06-09T10:42:00.000-05:00

Everytime I take one of these tests I score differently. I think the mere fact that I cannot self-assess should probably reveal more about my personality than anything, but anyway, here goes: some more blog clogging fodder...

You Are An ISFJ

The Nurturer

You have a strong need to belong, and you very loyal.
A good listener, you excel at helping others in practical ways.
In your spare time, you enjoy engaging your senses through art, cooking, and music.
You find it easy to be devoted to one person, who you do special things for.

In love, you express your emotions through actions.
Taking care of someone is how you love them. And you do it well!

At work, you do well in a structured environment. You complete tasks well and on time.
You would make a good interior designer, chef, or child psychologist.

How you see yourself: Competent, dependable, and detail oriented

When other people don't get you, they see you as: Boring, dominant, and stuck in a rut

What's Your Personality Type?

Identity

2007-06-06T13:33:00.000-05:00

This blog sucks. I can't write anything here anymore because too many people I know in 'real life' have found it. Anyway, with that in mind, here's some further nonsense until I get inspired with safe material, or just throw in the towel:
(from shutternick.com)

YOUR REAL NAME: Well, I'm not taking it that far... To support my lack of integrity, here is my online name (not to be confused with my 'Christian' or stage names...): Tay Hota
YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (first 4 letters of real name + izzle.) Tayizzle
YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color + favorite animal) Ever met someone who didn't know what their favorite color was? Now you have... Let's say, Cobalt Monkey (doesn't really work, does it...)
YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (your middle name + street you live on): Loyd Crossridge
YOUR PORN STAR NAME: (your first pet’s name + street you grew up on): Copper Hilltop
YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name + first 2 letters of your first name): Hottay
YOUR SUPERHERO NAME: (second favorite color + favorite alcoholic drink) Green Manhattan
YOUR WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (your parents’ middle names): Loyd Margaret
YOUR GOTH NAME: (black + the name of your pet): Black Copper
YOUR ARABIC NAME: (second letter of your first name + third letter of your last name + fourth letter of your middle name + second letter of your moms maiden name + third letter of you dad’s middle name + first letter of a siblings first name + last letter of your mom’s middle name): Atyaokt

The tag part — whoever wants to do it. Just let me know so I can read it, but I’m probably already subscribed to your blog and I’ll find out eventually anyway.

New Favorite Word

2007-05-25T05:58:00.000-05:00

Watched VH1's Rock Honors last night and couldn't believe Queen's of the Stone Age... Man these guys fucking tear it up... They covered Sabbath's 'Paranoid' and rocked it, even if Dave Grohl's not on drums anymore... Anyway, this morning I had to google a word that Josh Homme (singer) had scrawled across his forearm... And here it is... (I almost peed myself...)

1. Gunt

Bulging area found on large older women between the waist and the genital area. Not quite a gut, not quite a cunt... The Gunt.
My sixth grade teacher had a gunt like a freakin' innertube!

2. The gunt is the huge layer of belly fat that hangs over the waist on morbidly obese women and covers the vagina. If for some reason, someone would actually want to have sex with this woman, the gunt must be lifted up out of the way to expose the genitals.

I know, cruel and I'm going to hell and all... (you can only go once!) But hot damn that's a fun word...

TGIF

2007-05-21T06:41:00.000-05:00

It's important for me to stop now and then and take inventory of my life and reflect honestly on how things are progressing. Friday night gave me a good opportunity to do this.

After a fun couple hours of drumming at the UU I called JVJ to see about a quick drink before heading home. We ended up at our local watering hole, pleased to find some freindly faces and plenty of people watching opportunities. One of the folks that we met up with was Brian, who I've not seen for over a year. As a matter of fact last time I saw Brian I was just beginning the coming out prcoess and had just told JVJ herself a few months earlier. Excited by meeting a gay man who was comfortbale with and seemingly accepted by many of my straight friends I quickly cam out to Brian.

Friday night Brian was talking quite humbly about living in New York, the challenges of moving frequently with his job and anxiety about liking our home town here in the south. While he enjoys visiting this town we call home (and which he also called home for some time) he feels more comfortable in a bogger city and admitted sheepishly that he attributes much of this to a higher number of available gay men.

I was surprised with my comfort in communicating that I was finally comfortable here in town. I have a strong and supportive community and friends, enjoy being near my family and am seeing a boy I love. Without hesitation I finally, after years of struggling with the temptations of getting back to my big city roots, have found a place in my life where it's okay to stay. As Phish said, "find yourself a city to live in." Once your there, let it become your home.

"Dr." Jerry Falwell's Last Meeting

2007-05-15T13:42:00.000-05:00

Come out, come out, wherever you are... Ding dong the dick is dead...

Some links to fellow revelers out there:

Anyone's passing, though, is a loss; in this case maybe just the loss of potential (as if he'd have ever changed his ways.. but who knows... maybe he made a positive change in someone's life out there... just not mine.)

Soul Urge Number 5

2007-05-08T21:12:00.000-05:00

Numerology intrigues me, not because I especially believe in it, but, well, I guess cause I'm a 5:

No: 5
The 5 soul urge or motivation would like to follow a life of freedom, excitement, adventure and unexpected happening. The idea of travel and freedom to roam intrigues you. You are very much the adventurer at heart. Not particularly concerned about your future or about getting ahead, you can seem superficial and unmotivated.
Positive Traits : In a positive sense, the energies of the number 5 make you very adaptable and versatile. You have a natural resourcefulness and enthusiasm that may mark you as a progressive with a good mind and active imagination. You seem to have a natural inclination to be a pace-setter. You are attracted to the unusual and the fast paced.
Negative Traits : You may be overly restless and impatient at times. You may dislike the routine work that you are engaged in, and tend to jump from activity to activity, without ever finishing anything. You may have difficulty with responsibility. You don't want to be tied down to a relationship, and it may be hard to commit to one person.

Best Boy, err, Buy

2007-05-03T06:58:00.000-05:00

So the boif and I went over to Best Buy to check out the merch. (one of his favorite pastimes and tolerable for me). As usual we split up, me traveling over to the cd's and he to the computers and games. I was perusing the crap that is American pop music and glanced over to see whether he was done. He was having a good time playing one of those stand-up gaming displays when another guy, tall thin and fit walked up to pick up the controller next to him. They played along and next time I glanced over they were talking directly to each other, all smiles and laughter, controllers laying unused in their hands.

Taking my cue I wandered over to say hi (read: stake my claim). The boif detected my unease and immediately got defensive: "What's your problem? Why'd you even come over here? I mean, look at him? Why would I even be interested?" Trying to ignore my impulse to ask, "would it be safe to assume something was up if he WAS a looker?" I looked over/ up at the guy (he must have been seven feet tall). He had the most gorgeous blue/ green eyes I've seen, tanned face and shining smiley teeth; not a bit of insecurity and not a hair out of place.

Angry at myself over my jealousy and distrust, and angry at the boif for his defensive stance, I wandered away to process. When I glanced back the two of them where standing front to back, the tall gamer leaned over slightly with the boif behind him, hanging onto his belt loop like a rodeo rider, both of them smiling from ear to ear...

God I hate dreaming...

4:20

2007-04-20T06:54:00.000-05:00

Today is 4-20, my least favorite day of the year for many reasons: As an educator, and especially as one who works specifically with emotionally and behaviorally disabled students I am hyper-sensitive to school violence and the ongoing threat of copy-cat situations. I know how sensitive and unreasonable these kids can sometimes be, and I know how miserable and unimaginable some of their lives are; it's why I love them. But today, the anniversary of Columbine, Hitler's Birthday, "4:20"... today seems like an especially opportune time for some of our more unstable citizens to shine. I know, I'm still caught up in the frenzy of the VT tragedy, and am hyper-vigilant, but I know this day bothers me every single year I go out to visit schools... I have taken off in the past and hidden my head in the sand but usually, as with today, I just keep my eyes and ears open, hit the bricks and try to do my best to make a change for the better.

*** On the up side, it's these guys' birthday, I'm just sayin':

My Life

2007-04-18T08:38:00.000-05:00

Got this one over at Daniel's place. I'm really not sure how friends/ family scored so low, and finances are so high... Musta hit da wrong key somewheres....

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	7.2
Mind:	7
Body:	8.2
Spirit:	6.7
Friends/Family:	4.8
Love:	6.9
Finance:	8.1
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

David Sedaris

2007-04-05T07:00:00.000-05:00

Quick note: I got two tickets to David Sedaris this evening. I was hoping to take the boif with a couple friends, but he wouldn't go and one of the friends had to go out of town... So I decided to take JVJ as she's been through a lot lately and thought she could use a night out... She has class so can't make it... I asked my friend S if he'd like to go, even though his partner is the one having to leave town and he said he really would... Don't tell him, but the tickets are second row center!!! woo hoo... Super psyched...

Poodle Power

2007-04-04T06:39:00.000-05:00

Dreamt last night about a mangy old poodle, overgrown and dirty, playing alone in a puddle filled parking lot. He had obviously been lost, as he was still wearing the frayed remnants of a leash and collar. He had moments of happiness as he jumped and frolicked in the small muddy puddles but was primarily walking in circles looking for something to do.

The dream struck me as an obvious analogy for relationships, as I was watching the pup from a car I was riding in with the boif. While things in relationships are not always perfect and we go through periods of doubt and concern there is no doubt that, for me, being single is much the inverse; I spend most of my single time doubting myself and looking for relief, only finding joy in small moments of empty happiness.

I'm grateful that I'm in a place right now where joy and happiness outweighs the hesitations and red flags I naturally lean towards. I'm grateful for my friends and boif who bring me so much happiness and happy that I feel okay with taking it day by day and try to stay in the moment as much as I can. I don't feel tied to this relationship anymore, but feel as if I'm a willing participant... That makes all the difference.

Sunday Affirmations...

2007-03-25T08:34:00.000-05:00

If you're like me you have an eye for the straight/ butch guys who were born two seconds on either side of straight and sometimes seem to have the sensitivity and insight of a rock. (There's a simple test for this: if you ask him what he's thinking about, he says nothing and really means it...) If you're like me you deal out sarcasm shrouded as wit to project your false confidence and maintain a level, and low, emotional playing field. If you're like me you have self-esteem issues that lead you on a constant hunt for the smallest and most insincere affirmations and eat them up like chocolate covered Bings (take that where ever your mind leads you).

This is the death nail for the gay man, I'm convinced. Finding endorsement in porn, drugs, drink and dick has potential for leading us down the most self-destructive, empty paths we could find. At best it leads to stagnation. 'Bullshit' you say? I know you've been there; I saw you with my own eyes;a night of drunken debauchery awakens to an ego only slightly more bruised than our liver. Ever been cheated on by a partner? This is how they got there...

Granted these are not my ideas, nor are they the most profound, but to me the idea of finding true happiness in life relies on two issues: integrity and a feeling of worth. In fact, worth comes from happiness which comes from following one's passions. I love to hear the boif tell me how good my hair looks (stop laughing, it happened once!) and could easily spend my day drinking and exchanging compliments with any number of friends; these are important and fun parts of any relationship although deep and meaningful (read: long-lasting) happiness, confidence and growth, for me, comes from deeper passions: drumming, music, working with kids, time with family and friends, travel, photography... These are the activities that repeatedly bring me happiness. Passion is the healthiest of cycles and possibly the most impacting on our lives: Find happiness, rinse and repeat.

If you made it this far I'd love to hear your passions! If you didn't, I never liked you much anyway. ♥

2007-03-22T03:42:00.000-05:00

Up at 4am for a shot of cough syrup and a cig. Can you say 'self-destructive'? I knew that you could.

I'm in love and I don't care who knows it....

2007-03-18T18:24:00.000-05:00

I'd always dreamed of traveling with a boy I loved and other gay men. To many it seems a trivial, minor goal in life; those that either don't understand the difficulty of hiding who you are for the first 30 years of life, or who had the balls to reveal themselves and live with integrity from an early age. To me it was the weekend of a lifetime. I love my boif, I love my friends, I'm really loving my life right now (knock knock). Oh, and I got my lexapro refilled. mmmm, I love lexapro....

thought for later: Why do vaginas sometimes smell so bad that you can detect their stench a room away? If my ass ever smelled bad enough to fill the room, I'd be mortified. Anyway, discuss amongst yourselves, I have a hankerin' for some fish tacos.

Self-help section

2007-02-16T08:39:00.000-05:00

Giving into my inner girl has always been fun for me... And where better to explore than the self-help section? Here are three current/ recent reads I'd recommend to everyone, or, to start, the three of you! (The Amazon comments, then my comments in this color.

Your life sucks if…

• You routinely make someone or something more important than you

• The life you are living on the outside doesn’t match who you are on the inside

• You say yes when you mean no

• You try to fix other people

• You’ve forgotten to enjoy the ride

This is a most unusual book on leadership. The premise here is not about leadership approaches, methodologies for managing employees in the workplace, or other business strategy, but is instead a close and powerful look at how we view others and how that view impacts our ability to lead them.

(My dad lent me this book, and while it's intended as a novel style book for leadership in business, it has everything to do with how we treat each other and how we find happiness and fulfillment in living truly and with integrity. A very quick and fun read.)

Therapist Downs's book describes the paradigmatic ways in which early childhood molds the future lives of gay men: scorned on the playground, disrespected by Dad, loved only by Mom until their first sex with men. Through this mechanism of rejection, gay men feel unlovable, correspondingly angry and, he says, driven to heights of creativity and "fabulousness"—in addition to shopping addiction and obsessions with fat, muscle and penis size—in a bid to distract themselves from their inner shame.

(Should be required for every gay man, and PFLAG's... I reference it all the time. When I recommended it to the boif, he asked if it would conflict with any of his religious beliefs. Ugh... The irony, of course, is that THAT's exactly why he should read it.)

C'mon get happy...

2007-01-28T09:18:00.000-05:00

Fact is I prefer to write when things are not going so well and the fact is that right now, at this particular moment, things are really going very very well. If they were going perfectly I'd not be craving a cig at 9:30 am, I'd not have a tinge of a headache from the drinks and sleeping pill last night (is that why that stickers on the side of the bottle?) and I'd have more time to spend with friends who have been very good about staying in touch....

BUT.... The happy pills have kicked in, the boy is in the other room watching TV (he's usually here these days), I had another fun filled (and sushi filled! yum...) night with S&C last night, and even squeezed in a couple hours of drumming on Friday. Life is good... It could change at any moment, I know, and I'm prepared in that I'm living for today, and living without regret. :) Happy times... We all need them now and then.... (Quote from some cheesy commercial I saw last night: "Live for today, learn for tomorrow." dig...)

New Year's Revolutions

2007-01-02T07:34:00.000-05:00

Everyone seems to be starting out their New Year's posts by pointing out how they hate New Year's Resolutions. Fine, but to me this is a logical time to look back on the previous year and take note of where we have improvements to make. Here are my resolutions for the new year:

Continue to develop and cultivate my friendships. In the past I have gotten lazy and focused on a friend or two at a time. I'm not out for the number but in my quest to build true community I know the responsibility lies on me to pick up the phone, drop by and spread invites.

Get to work on time. With my 'itinerant' status (that does NOT mean sub, by the way...) it is easy for my to slip into work a bit late from time to time. I would be more effective if I was there on on time.

Continue to commit myself to healthy living. Specifically: set a new quit smoking date and continue going to the gym at least 4 times a week.

Record with the band and play out at least twice a month, preferably to an audience (novel idea).

Commit myself to my relationship with the boy, while continuing to take it moment by moment and do not over analyze.

Be happy... Live out loud... Laugh... "Be the person your dog thinks you are..." (I know, I need to get out of these elementary schools...)

Travel... That's what the second job is for... Get out of debt and get out of the house...

Sláinte...

New Year Brings New Hope (with Reminders)

2007-01-01T13:39:00.000-05:00

Great New Year's gathering last night raised my hopes for an upcoming year filled with love, friends, growth and satisfaction. Headlines this morning, coupled with the boy disappearing for the day (we've spent nearly every moment of the past week together) brought me back to earth and reminded me to take things slow. I'm still hopeful, although am back to cautiously optimistic. Still having these minor, but daily, anxiety attacks... sometimes I can pinpoint the origin but many times it's much more generalized... Maybe it's the feeling of being alive? Haunted? Hesitant? Hopeful? Fear?

Moment by moment and day by day we build our lives...

(notice new bush countdown clock below...)

2006-12-27T06:45:00.001-05:00

The Healing Shuffle

2006-12-27T05:53:00.000-05:00

Today honors the end of my 33rd year and as I lay in bed, not sleeping (seems to be the 'in thing' right now) I can't help but think back over this tumultuous year and wonder where I am now.

On the upside: I have a great job that I love; I worked a new job over the summer that I found to be pretty rewarding and fun; I have my new friends (S&C) who I care for dearly. Also, I have lost both of my remaining grandparents to cancer; I decided to leave my bf of almost 8 years and gone though a period which was one part soul searching to two parts disintegration. Then there are the normal day to day things: my dad's back surgery; the ongoing saga of my sister's inconsistent participation (elusive enough?). Recently there are the unfortunate related series of events that we are still working through (and wont be discussed here... I'm not taking any more chances...)

In talking about said events/ issues.. whatever they are... C shared with me that part of the root of this problem was an issue/ trait that he and another of the innocent bystanders/ participants shared. I see his point and and I awoke this morning from another jealousy dream, and came here to look over the past year's entries, this one in particular, I realize I have my own issue: inferiority.

Rather than embrace the time away form the BF and work towards bettering myself (working out, meeting more new friends, reflecting on self-improvement, etc.) I chose to fall apart. My home is a wreck, I'm smoking again, I haven't been to the gym but three times (and usually leave early because I can't stay focused,) and the more I talk to him the more I realize that the BF must have been out every night during our time apart. He met K, and some guy from Lex. and has really been enjoying his time of renewal doing new things with these new people. He was also working out 6 times a week, cleaning and generally taking care of himself. Honest to God I'm glad for him and admire his ability to acknowledge and pursue what he needs.

Now, this is dangerous territory and would be unfair to ignore that he had a very tough time too. My objective is not to attack him but to point out that I think I may be jealous of much of this; I have no right to be. I feel like our time apart was much needed and the way I chose to spend it was my choice; I chose to have this time. I made some wrong choices, no biggies, but wrong all the same. (I must also say that I made some good choices; meeting S&C was a leap of faith and has been one of the best things I've done for myself. The difference was that they were introduced to me my a trusted friend...). Let's just say my time could have been better spent. K and I spoke online early on as well. K & the bf met in a coffee shop the first time. K invited me to that coffee shop and I declined, repeatedly. Why? Intimidation. I felt inferior. While I was looking only for a friend, his pics and phd and so forth told me I was not good enough. The boy went forward (his usual confident self) with the meeting and shared a wonderful time for weeks; I love and despise that about him (envy...)

So why do I care? No idea... I had S&C. I had JVJ... I had my support, and I had my good times in between the hurt and tears... So why am I still laying bed next to this man wondering.... obsessively... just wondering? Part if it is that I wish it could have been me next to him at these times, and to me that's love, not jealousy. But if I'm going to be honest, there's more than that.

Go Crazy?

2006-12-23T03:18:00.000-05:00

Home video shot in my home at 3am today... Dunno why I was babbling about TV and beer though, is not the problem at all...

God, please grant me the fucking ANSWERS!

2006-12-22T21:21:00.000-05:00

I still don't know what the hell I'm doing. It's been about 5 weeks since the break up and I am no more clear now about things than I was then. The first couple weeks were tough, and I knew they would be... Then I started to gain some clarity and began to see a future... And then... Yesterday... it hit the fan. Seems that the ex's new supportive friend is one of MY supportive friends as well. Hate it for the guy, he's stuck in the middle (well, more to the ex's side of middle, apparently)... And they have spent A LOT of time together... Museums, hiking, movies, dinner, a gay bar, baking cookies (gag... and at what point does this becoming dating?)

Anyway.. We talked at length this morning (after I spent the night at S&C's... I cannot function on 4 hours sleep anymore.. Who do I think I am?) and in addition to jealous (a worthy weapon for him, if used properly) deeply sad, angry, deceived, befuddled, and just amazed at how this has all played out... mostly I'm worried... I'm not afraid of going back to him; hell, if it's where I'll be happy it's where I should be... But I'm definitely afraid of going back for the wrong reasons:

it's comfortable and all I've known

to keep him from ending up with K (the 'supportive' friend)

buying into a set of potentially empty promises (or honest changes...)

fear of loneliness/ dating/ rejection...

Why I left (& what I got from our talk today):

tired of living alone (he wants us to move in together)

need for community (he's realized this is something he needs as well... the supportive friend is that: supportive.)

feeling like we didn't know each other (he feels the same way, and feels that we need to share more of our lives.. to really know each other...)

stagnation (ditto... he talked today about traveling; sharing community; etc.)

holidays- I'm tired of going to events alone, esp. thanksgiving and Christmas, because he's with his family... (he won't come out to his family, but volunteered that they will have to just deal with him having other plans on holidays. and we'll be living together.. they're not gonna figure this out?)

affection (we agreed that was lacking...)

being out together... I wrote earlier about the incident in Raleigh when someone at the table asked him who he was with, and he said himself, refusing to acknowledge that he was there with me... That broke my heart, and he knows it, he mentioned it today... (He wants to be with me... in full... well, cept for the parents I guess...)

To me the most important aspect of this is that he needs to do these things for himself. He has started doing these things on his own, and for himself. He said that he has realized these are things that he needs... I agree...

So what do I do? We have 8 years under the bridge (my gay to straight calculators says that's like 16 in straight years.) With this do we deserve another chance? OR should I know, after these 8 years, that things never change?

I'm 100% confused and lost... Every day brings the same... (side note: where did those bruises come from?!)

Tay Buble'

2006-12-16T10:21:00.000-05:00

The Hypocrite?

2006-12-06T23:40:00.000-05:00

The band is something that means a lot to me. Music is one of my two passions (working with kids being the other) and as I test these waters of 'gayness' or more importantly, exploring who I am, I try to tip my toes into uncomfortable waters just to get a feel for my reaction. Lately I have put myself into an interesting set of circumstances.

I have, within the past few weeks, been introduced to a couple of guys that are thus far successfully confirming my perspectives. A couple that has been together for 22 years, despite, or because of their many differences. I love being around them (now known as C & S) because of their love, support, self-confidence, awareness and community. The more time I share with these two, and the folks I've met through them, the more I kow that I'm heading down my path. A path of openesss and fulfillment, slowly though it may be travelled.

Along those lines, I continue to be tested. There are some folks that I have not come out to yet, some because it's simply not relevant (co-workers and such) and some that I simply do not trust to know me for who I am. These folks, two specifically, are linked to me through music and are people that I consider to be important in my life.

Typically, after band practice, the three of us carry our music and sweat drenched selves upstairs to have dinner, cooked by KD's wife... We share time with their kids and, after the kids are down, take turns sharing stories, jabs and jokes. Tonight the conversation took an interesting turn. The wife knows I'm gay; but let's say she suspects... There are few women that have the gaydar like this woman does... But she's got it nailed...

The conversation started with the kids; the son is 4ish and loves playing dress up, pretending he's a girl, and playing with his barbie. Mom's cool with this, and is already well prepared for the possibilty that he may grow up to be a gay mnan ( yes, I know, this is developmentally appropriate and has no true signifigance of future sexuality, but you get the point). Dad, on the other hand, has some hang-ups. When she asked "which would you rather have, a gay son or a blind son, " I quickly (too quickly) answer that I'd be blessed to have ANY child, and given the choice, would prefer to have a gay son over a child with any handicap.

I am absolutely shocked to find that the other two (the wife agreed with me, citing her goal for her kids to be happy, no mater the challenges they faced) btoh said that homosexuality would be their last choice beyond any disability.

More shocking, further, was my inability to step up and admit my own sexual orientation... What an easy come back? What an opportunity? I folded... I know, all in good time... But how do I, in good conscience, hang out with my new friends tomorrow night, knowing how I've denied the opportunity to defend myself and them to these other people who I also consider friends. I'm saddened by the missed opportunity to open these two worlds to each other.

My sister recently taught me the saying, "what other people think of you is none of your business..." and I'm trying to live by this. finding solice in it's simplicity... But when the rubber hits the road I'm still living in two very seperate worlds... Worlds supremely ruled by the opinions of others, or at least my perspective of such opinions...

In the end, I suspect that I have trumped them all... wosre than blind or gay? How about chickenshit-edness?

Our Battle

2006-12-01T17:26:00.000-05:00

Today, as you have no doubt heard, is World AIDS day. To do my part I will participate this Sunday in Triad Health Project's Winter Walk. I have set a goal of $500 and have received many generous offers from many wonderful friends/ family members, although I am coming up $105 short. If you would like to participate please click the picture above and send in your donation. Know that anything you can do, in any manner or regard, to honor this day and this ferocious fight really does make a difference. Be well.

dreaming in color...

2006-11-27T07:00:00.000-05:00

I rarely remember my dreams anymore, which is unfortunate as I tend to read a lot of meaning into them. Last night I gave into my early exhaustion and hit the hay by 10pm. All night I dreampt rambling images of ghettos (the trap... my new word..), but the images from just before I awoke have stuck with me.

The bf and I, having reconciled, were walking through a rough, industrial part of town in a leisurely way. A group of Christian neighborhood watch folks, primarily african-american males, came around the corner. We said hello and they kind of dismissed us, rolling their eyes, and walked past. As we turned the corner there was a large blue warehouse/ church in front of us. As we got closer the bf walked faster ahead of me with this insane smile on his face. He disappeared for a long time and I waited paitently on a bench, watching people come out of their services and trying to locate their children. The bf came back and when I asked where he'd gone he told me, still with that manic smile, that he had been 'begot'. I asked him to explain and he could not, but I could see that he was very attracted to this church, which was increasingly repulsing me with the compound-like setting and negative reactions of followers. Suddenly the bf asked a male member where the bathroom was, and no one knew. They went further down the hall and disappeared around the corner, never to return.

check-in

2006-11-26T09:39:00.000-05:00

Here is another example of some tight sober-site knowledge. Nothing we don't know I guess, but so great to see it written out.
I met all of my goals yesterday besides the 'small miracle'. Maybe that term is too big. I did feel better, overall, due not sucumbing to the 'crash out on the couch syndrome like I did on Friday. Just lesser beautiful moments would be what I'm talking about.
SO ready to get back to work tomorrow.
Have watched at least three Adam Sandler movies at least five times in the past few days. I can find meaning in anything these days, for example: The Wedding Singer shows how difficult a break-up can/ should be, even if you are initiating it. It also shows that the pain is the only way to reach what you really want (Even as miserable as he was being alone he didn't take Linda back because he doesn't want her to have to "deal with," him being a wedding singer.) He got Drew in the end and THAT says something. I love Drew. I always cry when he comes out with Billy Idol's guitar playing "Wanna grow old with you..." Big Daddy gets me too... "Only love can break your heart..." I admit, it's the same movie over and over, but it's good. Oh yeah, have watched Bruce Almighty a few times... classy
Goals for today: Church; 1-hour clean; Band practice (battle of the bands on Tuesday lmao; gym (doubt it); talk at some length to one person I don't know.

Fragments of life...

2006-11-25T12:07:00.000-05:00

I regularly view at least five blogs authored by recovering alcoholics. I love the insight and specific nature in which these guys look at their lives. Moment by moment they receive life as it comes, it seems. Here is one example of the beauty that comes from these sites on a regular basis:

"You won't get ahead by searching in vain for ways to quickly jump there. You will get ahead by using every opportunity to steadily and diligently work your way there, step after step after step." ~Ralph Marston

Which fits well with my mantra:

"Faith is taking the first step without being able to see the whole staircase." ~MLK jr.

Life is lived in very small pieces; each step brings us closer to our final destination, physically and spiritually. I think about this a lot. All the good stuff is built up of small (but significant) pieces: relationships, finances, profession, fitness, maintaining a home, proficiency... All aspects of life are structured this way.

Five small things I can do today to steer my life in the right direction:

Throw out that pack of smokes, that slip is about to become a relapse.
Go to the gym; it's arms day.
Seek out my small miracle of the day.
Clean anything in my home for an hour.
Call a friend I haven't spoken to in a while.

No big deal, but anything that does not point me in, or maintain the right direction is a waste of time. Where's my compass?

Construction Zone

2006-11-24T22:46:00.000-05:00

Jesus, tomorrow's got to be a better day... The only shining moment today (might as well celebrate the small stuff...): I mentioned below about the 911 call... My neighbor ended up coming over and thanked me for calling... She feels it was an eye opener for her and her daughter. Although I started with my foot guarding the door, it wasn't long before we were embracing each other, right there on myfront porch... That's something; my minor miracle for the day... I guess they're always there, we just have to look... This is going to get better... God, I pray it's soon, I think I'm kind of losing it... Sometimes I think we have to hit rock bottom and claw our way back out... Please excuse the nails for a while, if you can... This may not be pretty.

So many questions and a 911 call...

2006-11-24T12:04:00.000-05:00

Nice visit to the folks house last night and time spent with family that I seldom get to see anymore. As usual, the family had obviously discussed the break-up to some extent, but there was no mention of the elephant in the room... This is our biggest family flaw... We don't discuss... Unfortunately our Irish goodbyes, which can literally last hours, seem to have gotten me in trouble with JJ because we had tentative plans; I guess I shoulda called. I can't get it right these days...

This all adds to the fact: I don't know that I've ever felt more alone/ lost/ confused than I do today. I was lonely before the break-up as well but I can't gte beyond the irony of having to push away the bf to gain community, only to be met with increased loneliness. I know this is all a leap of faith and that I need to trust in my decision but where do I start? I have very definite goals for my future and I know I would not reach them with the bf (despite his recent offers to partially meet my needs), but where does one draw the line? Do you throw away 50% in hopes of reaching more? What if you end up with 10%... How do I know that I won't? I know, that's called settling, and is frowned upon. How real are all of these childhood lines we're fed: Don't settle for anything less; You deserve the very best; You can do anything you put your mind to. How can you be so sure?

In the end I've done the right thing, we were very unhappy with each other beyond just being friends. I know also that it's better for me to be alone for the right reasons then together for the wrong, but... It's not making this any easier right now. It took a very long time to reach this step, how long can I expect to reach the next? Do I have the courage?

Unpleasant distraction this morning: Shortly after the pooch woke me for his morning outing (8:30, hell or high water...) I hear a racket- I started downstairs to turn off the TV before I realized it was not on. The shouting, screaming and crying I heard was through the wall from my next door neighbors. Items hitting the wall, screams of, "go ahead and bite me again bitch," "stop hurting me," and "you bruised my wrist you whore," prompted me to call 911 on this mother daughter team. As sad as I am, things could certainly be worse (and they may be once I run into the shared-wall-screamers).

Happy Thanksgiving...

2006-11-22T23:41:00.000-05:00

So, yeah, we broke up and although I'd like to have a journal of this time to be able to look back on, I do think it would be incredibly insensitive and irresponsible to get into any details about what happened and why. I do feel comfortable documenting my feelings though and will try to focus on this when needed, without too much detail as I never know exactly who is reading this.

So, for my first post as a single man (ugh... makes me sad just to type it out...): Happy Thanksgiving. It has been one hell of a week; it's been like riding in the back seat of a car as a kid and hitting one of those dips in the road... Remember how your stomach suddenly jumps into your throat and scares the crap out of you, only to end up making you giggle... Well, kinda like that.. Crying one moment, feeling strong and proud the next... Washing down a tin of cake frosting with a stout beer... ya know, like that...

So back to the post... This year I'm grateful that, while I will drive to and from my parents thanksgiving dinner alone yet again... It will be for the right reasons this time... I'm thankful for my health, and my quit (although it is on very very shaky ground... I have a pack sitting downstairs right now...) I'm thankful that God has given my opportunities for supportive friends, church and activities and that I have seized upon these... And of course, for my Copper dog, who I love.... What else, roof over my head, car's still running (knock knock...)

Anyway.. Suddenly had a flash forward to next year, sitting here (or somewhere) reading over this... Wonder what things will be like... Will I be back with him? Will I be with someone else? Will I be sad and alone, with nothing having changed? Let's hope, AND plan for the best...

Tonight I'm praying for Joe, my friend, who is just out of ICU, but still quarantined in the hospital... I love this guy and am grateful for having the opportunity to have worked with him for the past year..... ♥

2006-11-16T22:41:00.000-05:00

I hope I've done the right thing; it does not feel like it.

Tough Talk

2006-11-15T21:25:00.000-05:00

So we've been talking in rare, scary honest terms, about who we are and what we are apt to become. I suspected he was doing as much thinking as I, so I built the nerve and broached. He responded and we talked, civilly with no hurt feelings; full disclosure.

We seem to understand: where the other is coming from; that we are both loved by the other; that this has not been wasted time; that we have strong vision of where we'd like our lives to be; that these visions are very different from each other; that we are both terrified to make a decision.

We've been talking and I'm so grateful for that.

Some nights shouldn't happen

2006-11-12T09:26:00.000-05:00

Weird night last night, and I'm not at all sure why.

We played a show at a local bar last night; a bar that we've played many times before and is actually, despite the notoriously low turnout, one of our favorite places to play that rock and roll music. Last night was different. In all the years that I've played I've never played to so many backs. The lights were out in the area we were playing, folks were seated at the bar facing away from us and aside from the obligatory 1/2 assed clapping between songs you'd never know we were in the same room.

So that sucked. And then I left my keys and cell in my cymbal bag which was promptly loaded into my guitarists trunk. I didn't notice until almost 2am and had to resort to calling friends to see if anyone was downtown and able to swing by on their way home. No one was. Everyone was sleeping and I woke them all up. I'm real popular this morning. In the end, as I was about to call a cab a friend of my friends said he was heading this way and would drop my stupid ass (my words, not his) home on the way. (Cute and a great conversationalist, the one perk.)

So that sucked. And I smoked my first cigarette in over four months. I don't know why, and I can't say that I hated it.

So that sucked.

Gay Republicans are Idiots

2006-11-05T11:32:00.000-05:00

A little reminder as we run to the polls on Tuesday (we are running to the polls, right?!)

2006 NCGOP Platform adopted June 3, 2006

3. We believe homosexual behavior is not normal and should not be taught as an acceptable "alternative" lifestyle either in public education or in public policy. We do not believe public schools should be used to teach children that homosexual behavior is normal. We do not believe that taxpayers should fund benefit plans for unmarried partners. We oppose special treatment by law based on homosexual behavior or identity.We support federal and state constitutional amendments to ensure that marriage is limited to the union of one man and one woman. We oppose attempts to legitimize homosexual relationships by placing such relationships on an equal footing with marriage. We oppose the adoption or foster parenting of children by same sex couples.

I've come up with brilliant bumper sticker for these up coming elections: Ruck Fepublicans

Doogie's Gay

2006-11-04T14:09:00.000-05:00

Neil Patrick Harris is the latest actor to out himself and I'm thrilled. I've had a crush on this guy for years, and come to find out, he's my age! Yeaaa!! And, all this time, he hid it soooo well:

Isn't it great to have that gaydar calibrated from time to time?

Friday Fantasy

2006-11-02T23:20:00.000-05:00

The Old Settler

2006-11-02T22:58:00.000-05:00

Give me live theatre, any day, over sitting in front of that damned television. It's only regional theatre, in little ol' NC; yet the entire experience thrills me; makes me feel alive. It's my own private peak into someone else's head, life, emotions. It's painting in motion. I absolutely love it and hate that when it's over it's over there is no DVD to bring home to review on an endless loop, and there is certainly no soundtrack for those endless hours of treadmill torture. In my house, anyway, there is no older lady gracefully resting her head on her beau's shoulder silently confriming her love and open surrender.

"No one dies alone. Someone is always sent from the other side to be with you."

In life we are not alone. We have the ability to make choices. We can turn around and grab a hand, or we can wait for someone to come knocking. We can make our choices; follow our hearts and ride out the results or we can sit, and hope, and pray, for outcomes. I'm sick to death of being alone in my house, my head and my heart. It takes nights, and plays, like this to focus on where I am and where I could be. The Old Settler reminds me of what it is to feel love, to take risks on life and yourself.

In short: Good play...

November Nothing

2006-11-01T10:37:00.001-05:00

Home for lunch, and to pick up my cell... (I just feel naked without it, and not in a good way...) So just a quick entry-

Here's a quote that I picked up here that I think I should hold on to for a while:

Although we have been made to believe that if we let go we will end up with nothing, life itself reveals again and again the opposite; that letting go is the path to real freedom. ~Sogyai Rinpoche

Speaking of random: Last Friday I received about ten times the usual number of daily hits. Was it my masterful story telling or the video of the DC Drag Race? Do I really need to ask? No worries, my count and swelled head have gone down to normal since then...

Friday Fantasy

2006-10-27T07:22:00.000-05:00

If I could be anywhere today, and for the long haul, I'd be in Asheville, waking early in my 1920 something bungalow. I'd carefully remove my husband's arm from about my waist as not to wake him. My plush robe and huge fuzzy slippers maintain my heat in the brisk morning chill as I head down the hall to start the morning fire.

On the way I peek into my sons' room to catch the blissful look of four and six year olds deep in slumber, careful not to hit the spot by their door where the hardwoods creak the worst. Copper jumps down from the foot of the young-one's bed and happily follows me into the kitchen to do his part in getting breakfast started (which generally consists of curling up on the throw in front of a freshly roaring fire). The low fall sun is streaming softly through the windows, broken up by the branches of the giant oak out front, and the morning traffic softly picks up beyond.

From behind me I hear the 'slish-slish' of small footsied feet and hear my favorite words in the entire world: "morning daddy."

Sad Monkey

2006-10-26T21:56:00.000-05:00

So, I may have figured out what is happening here, although I'm no shrink, and certainly am not in a place to afford one...

I'm pushing people away, that much is clear. It started about a month ago when someone I deeply care for kind of tossed me aside, and really hurt me deeply.

I've always felt awkward, an outsider. It's always been evident that I just don't quite fit in, well, anywhere... So I go through these cycles of depression, I think, related to feeling isolated and alone. How do I deal with feeling alone? I push people away. I push and push to test and see who remains, which, of course causes me to feel more isolated and alone.

I think. For example: I was invited to go to a party Saturday night. I'm not much of a party person, as I'm not great at making small talk with large groups of strangers. I can't remember names, I can't remember whether I've seen them before, I get paicky, it's a mess. Anyway, I wanted to go to this party, I really did. These are fun-loving folks who feed me at least one a week and have shared many hours of good fun conversation. I didn't go because I wanted a special invite. I needed to know they really wanted me there. It's so pitiful, but I belive that's what it was. As soon as it was too late to go I was down in the dumps and regretted not attending. I pushed them away

Let's see... I also made a stupid assumption about a fellow bloggers post and resorted to writing about it below. I apologize for that, but I suspect (and I could be wrong) that I was fishing for a reaction. That's ridiculous, and pathetic, but may just be true.

Ugh, anyway, this is where I am right now. There are more examples, but I don't even want to continue thinking about them. This is where I've been for a very long time, and this is where I continue to guide my life.... Sorry for stepping on those toes along the way, we do the best we know how.

2006-10-26T08:04:00.000-05:00

Annual High Heel Race in DC

And people can't understand why I'd want to live in DC???

I'm going through changes

2006-10-25T22:29:00.000-05:00

That's the name of the WORST Black Sabbath song, and I challenge any other gay man to know that...

Anyway, I've decided: I'm sick to death of this blog.... While the blog started as a place for me to freely express myself it's turned into a product by which I rate my abilities; I hate that I'm trying to please. Comments down? I've got to write something self-deprecating and wrenching. Nothing note-worthing happening? Must post bogus graphics just to be sure people come back.

Honestly, I don't give a shit. I dont care if you come here or not. I dont care whether my life impresses you and mor eoften than not I dont care for your advice. I dont care if my writings piss you off (they are about me, not you)... Okay I do care, but am surprised that my honesty has come back to bite me in the ass.... You think it was tough to hear? You should've been there when I wrote it!

So, if you care to continue to cruise through my inner workings and bullshit amateur writings? Great; have at it. If you're just here to lure me to your site so you can share details about your first sexual experience with a government employee (he's nervous because it's a felony, NOT because he cares).. Then go away. Please.

*don't listen to a word of it... what an asshole!!! hehe, cute, huh?... a little drunk, in a funk... but I will be removing comments from the blog for a while... I'll post for myself and you're all welcome to read along, if you'd like... As we teachers tend to say, "I'm glad you're here..." I'd remove the entire post if I hadn't set the one rule: to never go back and take away anything I'd written... stupid rules...

2006-10-20T13:29:00.000-05:00

Don't you know I love you?

2006-10-20T08:14:00.000-05:00

Who are your top ten? Who are those celebs/ stars/ that, if they showed up on your doorstep today, you'd drop everything for "shared time"? Glenn Kotche is my number one. I've watched him play about five times, I've spoken with him once. I love him.

Anyway, WILCO played at the 9:30 in DC last night and NPR has the show stored to listen to anytime (or all the time). Pay special attention to my boyfriend in the kitchen. Is it any coincidence that the best damn drummer in popular music plays for the best American band?

2006-10-15T14:33:00.000-05:00

I know how they feel....

100 Day Rant

2006-10-14T08:27:00.000-05:00

I quit smoking 100 days ago today. After 12-14 years of addiction I have put down my smokes for good, and I don't miss them a bit. Last night the boy and I ran into a friend I have not seen in years and in talking with him we found that he and his wife, after watching their daughter grow for the past two years, have started smoking again. Upon absorbing this revelation the voice of my evil twin popped up to remind me, "hey, he's a together guy; if he can smoke, surely you can smoke too." After three-plus months the most important skill I've gained is shutting that self-destructive voice down. I know the origin of this voice (addiction and lack of esteem), the intent of this voice (resistance to change, instant gratification and lies) and the danger of this voice (this is the voice of self-doubt and insecurity, responsible for causing me to freeze in the face of change or risk). Recognizing and knowing this voice, combined with strengthening and conditioning my conscious inner voice to affirm my quit allows me to maintain control at difficult times, andnot just smoking related times. The key, I think, is that I'm continuing to figure myself out and, very slowly, take the steps to get where I'd like to be. I seem to be a slow learner and anticipate my arrival to be delayed, significantly.

Sick. Sick. Sick.

2006-10-13T08:53:00.000-05:00

Today is my third sick day home from work and I'm nothing but bitter about it. Tomorrow is 100 days since my quit but it seems like I've been sick for at least 90 of those days. Yesterday was a beautiful day, which I slept through, with a drama filled staff meeting which I missed. Today it's 45 degrees outside (beautiful!), I was supposed to meet friend for lunch, friends at the bar, and go to Durham for a drum circle. Cancelled, cancelled and cancelled.

I'm so tired of this shit... Wasted $20 at the doc yesterday for him to tell me that it's viral and nothing can be done. Speaking of tired, time for my first nap of the day...

Nerve (with update)

2006-10-02T16:42:00.000-05:00

It takes nerve, I tell ya. Moments ago (the sweat is still fresh on my brow, and my right middle finger is strangely numb) my doorbell rang. 9 times out of 10 this is not a good thing. Either the boy is being a pussy and doesn't want any neighbors to see him letting himself in, or it's one of my annoying neighbors.

It was an annoying neighbor. I opened the door to be greeted by a face full of 2nd hand cigarette smoke fresh from the nasty mouth of the nosy neighbor's husband (the boy calls him, "the mean neighbor.") His son is the one who used to call me faggot, until he finally learned my name, and they shipped him to private boys boarding school. (I bet he really knows what a faggot is now!)

Seems the mean neighbor and his nosy bitch wife won some money at a casino, which is great. They have an abandoned car with a busted out window full of old computer parts, sitting in front of their rented townhome. He no longer drives and lost his job so is forced to work at the gas station and then Red Robin restaurant up the block, so he can walk. Their OTHER car had the license plate 'stolen' by a guy who looks just like the mean guy, and have been driving with a 'lost tag' sign stuck to the back of their Escalade for the past month.

So they could use the money.

So they bought a TV. Their car is an impulse buy on wheels. I saw clothes, electronics, toys, bags and bags and bags of shit. And a 32" TV. Which he asked ME to help him carry. Fucker.

So I did. I went over and helped this asshole carry his brand new fucking TV into his trashed nasty living room feeling, all the while, like the used pathetic loser I am. Anyone else would have said no. Anyone else wouldn't have been so nice to these drug runners so they wouldn't have the nerve to ask. Not me. My way is to be passive-aggressive about it. How, you ask?

He asked me to help carry it. He didn't say don't drop it. On the floor. In the living room. On his foot.

** Update: Went by the mean neighbor's door yesterday and he was perched just inside the door with it open, smoking a cigarette from his wheelchair. Seems that, while installing his surround sound, MN fell from a second story ledge inside his living room and landed flat on his feet, smashing BOTH heels. Ouch.

Blue Sunday

2006-10-01T21:28:00.000-05:00

I haven't done a Blue Sunday post in a long time. Being artsy is the best way to get myself through a lonely, bluesy kinda Sunday, which many of them are. For some time now I've been collecting these rusty old washers and nuts... I find them everywhere all of the sudden. As someone in church this morning said, "I don't know what it means, but I know it means something." This is all I've come up with so far.

This nut is named Copper

The Bachelor

2006-09-30T10:11:00.000-05:00

I really resist talking about how miserable I sometimes am in my relationship because people continue to give me good advice which I continue to ignore. The only reason I delve back into this topic today is that I'm starting to think I'm actually single.

What is the definition of a boyfriend?

The most popular definition at urbandictionary.com is: a great guy who make you feel good bout urself... a protector, and ur best friend
i.e.: "keep ur hands off my boyfriend, bitch! he's mine!"
1. A male that one allows to regularly invade their pants.2. A male that one relies on to hide their insecurities.3. On rare occasion: A male that one truly loves.
i.e.: "Hey, girl, meet my boyfriend."
cheesey, but nice: Someone who makes your life seem like its worth living, someone who makes you feel loved, protects you, is always there for you.. A boyfriend is also someone you can define as the light of your life, the beat of your heart, the sun in your day and the stars in your night..

I'm hearing words like: "feel good"; "regularly"; "feel loved". I don't have one of these.

Beatboxen Bush

2006-09-30T10:01:00.000-05:00


Re-posted with out autoplay; THAT was driven me crazy.

In memory...

2006-09-25T20:43:00.000-05:00

What words for that dying man,

or yet the man already dead.

These are the words for my granpa Tom

a'er I leaned to his casketed head.

I feel the sadness to be expected towards you,

and grief our live's cost.

Most of all I congratulate you Pop

on the life you've boldly led and lost.

I believe that smile not stiched to you,

but carved from your last stance-

reflecting on life's peculiar way

of teaching us to dance.

Congratulations on the kids and wife,

(grandma will soon unite)

and the will to live strong,

golden, even through this long night.

Goodbye my grandfather,

know for you today I smile-

For the thousands of roads you've driven-

I'm proud to have shared a mile.

Not without errors of man

you've risen, you've raced, you've won.

The grass is greener, somewhere over the rainbow...

2006-09-24T12:57:00.000-05:00

I've mentioned the church that I have attended for the past few years and how I got there. We are a liberal bunch, the trangendered, dykes, gay rev. and myself (the closeted queer)... Today I returned after choosing to be absent through the summer months. While the sermons can sometimes irritate me, as they often revolve around church business and finances, I can also twist them into more personal messages from which I can learn and move forward.

Today Rev Alex talked about the idea of growth. This is an ongoing theme at church; where "we" are from and going. The analogy he used was the Wizard of OZ, in that Dorothy goes from a place of comfort and familiarity into a place of turmoil and fear; the storm. Growth comes from time spent in the storm and the more time we can spend there the better off we will be in the long run.

At one point Alex asked an African American member to stand and talk about what "pass" means in the AA community. I'm not sure that she understood what he was asking her to do, as she jumped into a wonderful testimony about what the church means to her, BUT... The idea he was going is that often blacks with lighter skin can, "pass" for being white. Through things like behavior, dress, language, etc they can fit into the white community more easily than those with darker skin. This is where I began to personalize the message. He also mentioned the gay man's dilemma in "passing" and segued into discussing the religious implications specific people of Jewish descent.

I pass and pass easily. I am masculine in word and action and easily get away as a straight man (unless, god forbit, a woan finds her way to my bed). For many many years this was an asset as I could hide behind my masculinity and fool those around me into celebrating my heterosexual facade. This worked for 30 or so years until I tried to buy the lie myself. I hurt someone I care deeply for by trying to convince both her and I that living the straight life was something I could do. Fortunately I called myself on by bullshit and backed away, BUT not before the damage had been done.

I am now out to my family, my rev, and a few friends who have been very accepting and supportive. As I try to build community and live true to who I am, I am surprised by my need to continue to play my pass. I play in a band with two guys who believe I am straight. The wife of one of these guys is not so convinced and has repeatedly and bluntly asked me. My silence both confirms her belief and secures my status as a liar.

It's no wonder I can't build community. How do you go about building a circle of true friends who know and love you, when you don't tell anyone who you are? Looking back over the years I have sometimes envied those effeminate youngsters who present as homosexual from their earliest stages. Like a young bird pushed from the nest for their first flights, these folks know who they are and are forced to deal with it at the earliest stages. The community seeks them out and supports them. Now, I acknowledge the down side, it's downright dangerous to be recognized as a gay youth, but I cannot take my nest leap only to get back in the nest to hide.

My point, I guess, is that I need to throw myself back into the storm. No one can do it for me, no one can define the life I am meant to, or desire to lead. How do I do this? I come out to everyone I consider to be a friend (well, outside of work). I spend more time in church as myself. There is nothing to be afraid of there. And I continue to look for groups around the community to honestly connect with; anyone know of a good queer crotchet club?

We're all winners here.

2006-09-15T08:28:00.000-05:00

Here are a few of the pics from our white water outting last month. You will notice that our faces are not featured in any of these pics, and you would be correct to assume that it is due in large part to our desire for anonymity. It's also due to the fact that, with our little white helmets on we looked A LOT like stars on the Special Olympics National Rafting Team. Above is one of my better Special Olympics captures. Yes, they get worse. (Notice how the guide next to me is holding up her hands like "What the hell is wrong with this guy?") This is why I have no self esteem.

We shared the raft with a family of four from Wilmington. They said they were en route to an appointment in Chapel Hill and we noticed that one of the boys (the one on the left, I think) had one of those med alert bracelets on and his mom asked asked him a few times how he was feeling etc. Cool folks, I hope whatever they were going through worked itself out. (At one point the (my)boy said to me, "I wonder if I"ve been wearing this helmet backwards this whole time." To which the boy on the right said, "umm, yeah, you have," and tried desperately to control his giggles.)

These are my feet in my brand spanking new $7 Target sandal things; jealous? I was the last one let back into a raft after some free float time... The water was well over my head here.

Now you've seen my feet and my ears, is it getting hot in here?

I like American music...

2006-09-10T02:12:00.000-05:00

home now. drunk. violent femmes, how do theyrock out after all these years? Last time I saw them was 1991... Almost identicle to tonight... so great Hanging with the best friend, & Jenny (who I love...) and two new friends, J and C... very cool fun guys.. not much of a pot head myself, but love being around them... Too drunk to [type] but ran into Dennis... From ? about 10 years ago, Dennis.... used to mysterioulsy show up at the college house years ago and scare the crap out of me.. total stlker... stil have a scar from a night we hung out together... met at the ? fuzzy duck? then I blacked out... he was meeting some guy at babylon... and then we were back at his place.. sure I was drugged... scary.. and now, suddenly, he was there agin tonight.. haning with the token creepy fags from downtown... damnit... and now he doesn';t even talk to me? was he nodding in acknowlegement or in trying to pick me up.. which is worse?! dunno why it's throwing me so badly.. anyway, great night, got to bust a move (white boy style.. boom chicka booom chicka...) and drink toooo much... thank god for good nights/.... any coincidence the boy is out of town this weeekend? probably not.

Shitty Day

2006-09-08T22:15:00.000-05:00

Just not much to write about lately... Here is an example (todays e-mail to my best friend...) :

Hey, the next green queen bingo is next friday, the 15th.. will you go? :) of course you will...

Yes, poor Mr. Copper has gotten confused, he seems to think that he is meant to pee out of his butt... at one point this afternoon he was peeing out of the front and back simultaneously and that's bad... and messy.... He freaked out and tried to run away... I would too....

It has taken me three beers just to get over cleaning his crate this afternoon... ick... The Vet says Colitis, and $200 please... thank you sir!!... fuck!!!!! I asked her if it could come from a pizza crust [that SOMEONE gave him last Monday], and, honest to God, she said yes! but, it would have occured a lot earlier, so I guess you're off the hook ; ) (I'm kidding ms. sensitive...) ;0)

love ya my da'ling..... *\o/*

55 Words: Friday Fiction

2006-09-01T07:29:00.000-05:00

He drives between the green fields at noon, shifter in one hand and the wind through his wild hair. Volume raised, his voice dominates and a smile twists the shape of the words. He doesn't even notice the silver storm clouds behind him as he faces endless ribbon of road ahead. She would hate this.

Boxers vs. briefs

2006-08-29T13:49:00.000-05:00

My friend hates when boys wear briefs. I prefer boxers, but...

I'd settle.... unless...

It's hot and creamy. I can actually feel it running down my throat!

2006-08-28T18:06:00.000-05:00

I am surprised to admit that I really like the newer version of the Willy Wonka movie, although I just happened across this hilarious site which reminds me of why I still like the old version better.

Karr will not be charged in JonBenet's murder

2006-08-28T17:21:00.000-05:00

Well, get ready for a worldwide cry of "I knew it all along..." but, yeah, I knew it too... He has, no doubt, murdered many little girls, if only emotionally... This guy's a sick looney trying to connect himself with something important. I suspect in some way he believes his claim to have murdered JonBenet to be legit, while it also brings him closer to the object of his obsession...

The first thing that really told me something was off was his eyes... He seemed to be studying the reaction of the reporters and crowd as he said he was not innocent.. There is something, beyond the madness, in those eyes... He seemed to really be getting off on the attention. I don't know how to make this sound like an intelligent observation, so I'll just say it: he has a serious face with ecstatic eyes.... He always looked like he was having such a a good time... The person that he reminds me of, over and over again, is Chapman, who, while guilty, has always seemed to be so pleased with himself for killing John Lennon. Chapman killed for the attention he knew it would bring about... Karr waited ten years to gain this attention that he is enjoying so much? It just didn't add up.

Karr has the same look, but, it could just be the crazy.

She fell in love with the drummer...

2006-08-27T01:15:00.000-05:00

What is it about live music? What is it about rock music? It just takes me away, transforms me, yet brings me back to who I am, at my barest roots. And I wonder, as I'm reminded of my passion for this force, why it is that I participate so safely, rarely, barely counted on the outskirts... I love this shit, I truly do... I love to play a show, like we did tonight... I love to have my handful of friends gather (not including the boy... No surprise...) and I love to show off, come out of my shell... To work towards a goal and to share this result, in the most nerve-ridden raw form... So why is it, again, that I participate so vaguely in this art that I hold so closely to my heart...

On my way home from the show I saw that I had four minutes, literally, until alcohol sales were halted... So drove to, parked at, and ran into my local grocery store, to get a (let me check) 650 ML bottle of Rogue American Amber Ale.... While I did hold strong on the smober... We got paid in beer.... And a better reward I cannot imagine.... Oh, besides cash...

There are things in life, I've learned, that we love... There are things in life that we enjoy... And there are things in life that we feel so passionately about, so eager to consume, that we dare not go near... My friend Nicos has no teeth.. When you ask him what happened to his teeth, he says, "rock and roll..." and it's the truth... I love this life.. I love to stay up all night, drink in living and share laughs and communication.. it's organic... it's in my mind and in my bones... and I'm afraid of it... I want to say I could not do this every night... but, the truth is, I could... and that scares the shit out of me....

cheers-

55 Words: Friday Fiction

2006-08-24T20:52:00.000-05:00

From the back seat I can see the droplets strike the mirrored road. We pass a ghostly figure on the shoulder; his dad. I want to pick him up, they refuse; want to tell him how I love his son; he will welcome me to the family; his son has told him the same.

Asheville, NC

2006-08-20T14:35:00.000-05:00

Okay, we didn't kill each other. Actually, despite my wine fueled break down Thursday night we had a remarkable time. As promised here are some pictures, sans humans to protect identities... Of course...

(Random pic notes: 'Castanea' is a nut-bearing tree, such as Chestnuts; The IRON sits in front of the Flat Iron building, modeled after the Flat Iron in NYC, and is about 20 feet from our hotel; that's me; Restaurant pic and lamp are in 'Tupelo Honey', awesome breakfast frood all day... if you can get a table; this doggie was loungin in a store window, was dyin to ask the age old question....; kitty on a lampost... artsy town... almost forgot, white water rafting pics to come!!!)

55 words: Friday Fiction

2006-08-17T20:20:00.000-05:00

Found this idea over at one of my newest haunts.

He sat on the couch across the room and stared at the TV as he prefers to do. I anticipated, from the edges of my ears, that annoying sound as I communicated my excitement over tomorrow's Movie of the Week. He sent me a mouth fart. He denied intent. He lied. He lied again. He left.

(Okay, while it IS 55 words, it is not Friday, Nor is this fiction.)

* updates: Friday is my 43rd day of the quit... ya hoo... Going with the boy up to Asheville tomorrow for a few days.. Should be fun although am aggravated that I have to get rolling an hour early tomorrow because the dufus does not want, "THAT dog in my car." That god-damn car, I tell you what... deep breaths.... If we don't kill each other, maybe I'll post pics.... maybe....

100 Things...

2006-08-12T22:35:00.000-05:00

One thing that bugs me about finding a new blog is researching who the hell the person is. Now, I hardly have enough readers to be too concerned, but since talking about myself has always been a favorite past-time, here is another attempt at a '100 Things About Me' list... Ice cream cones for those who can get through it....

Born in Baltimore, Maryland
favorite food is blue crabs
least favorite food is eggplant
'Tay Hota' (my blog name only) is what my college spanish professor called me...
Taught high school for 8 years
have known my best friend for almost ten years (is that right?)
Still with public education in a 'different' capacity (no, not janitor, yet...)
rock drummer
just switched back from a 5 piece rock set-up to a 4 piece jazz rig... Love it...
my dog is a boxer
he was rescued from some folks in Georgia using him to train pitbull
I try to not believe in a hell
member of a Unitarian universalist church
I believe the bible is flawed by human interpretation
it makes me nervous to type that
believe in God, but do not consider myself a Christian
have been in a relationship with a man for 7.5 years (I think, but am losing count)
favorite comedic movie is Anchorman
favorite romantic movie is Breakfast at Tiffany's
favorite horror movie is The Shining
favorite gay/ lesbian movie is Latter Days
favorite action movie is True Romance
favorite musical is Cabaret
favorite classic is Funny Girl
favorite drama movie is Billy Elliot
favorite series is Six Feet Under
best movie I've seen recently was 'Everything Is Illuminated.'
guilty pleasure movie is Goonies
first realized I liked boys in 4th grade (his name was Bruce... he smelled so nice...)
first kiss in 6th grade.. Rachel? dunno...
first, ummm, well... 15 Melody
first boy kiss at 18ish... Joe
fascination with multiples of three... Especially those that can be added together to equal three or nine... (3,9,12, 18, 21, 27... not 33...)
don't like the number 6
my favorite beer is Newcastle
my favorite liquor is whiskey
favorite drink is a Manhattan
best trip was to Manhattan
Malta was best trip as well...
was a smoker for 15+ years
am now a non-smoker
boxers, not briefs
work out 4x week
favorite exercise is running
least favorite, so far, is spin class.... shit
leg press 320# (plus the sled...)
am about 75% Irish
about 20% German... bits of English (don't get no whiter than me...)
first celebrity crush was Corey Haim... (non celebrity was Corky Spinnanger...)
am only white male in my first grade picture
passionate about working with inner city students
very low tolerance for whiney middle/ upper class kids
grew up as an upper middle class kid
straight edge skinhead throughout high school
because I loved punk rock
and because I loved boys with shaved heads.
still do.
don't use drugs, anymore
preferred speed to pot
Capricorn (pragmatic, rule oriented, control, reserved, careful, practical, faithful, kindness and affection overpowered by shyness, committed to a fault, insecure about their abilities, (see 'poorly trained monkey'))
trying desperately to get to Germany to see a friend i miss very much
zeppelin over the who... but not by much
beatles over the stones... but could change at any time...
Bette over Barbara...
sex pistols over the clash over the ramones... (whew, I should be shot for that...)
minor threat trumps em all
Madonna over Cher...
Tupac over B.I.G....
current band Wilco
guilty pleasure band: motley crue
greens are my favorite colors
least favorite part of my body: tied b/w chin and stomach... hmmm, and butt...
butt is fav part of guys body...
I think girl butts are strange
I think I have a girly butt (aka 'Irish butt')
dream house is a 20's/ 30's urban bungalow
favorite city to live in: DC
favorite city to spend a week in: NYC
best city to spend no more than 3 days: New Orleans
best city to tour alone: Seattle
best city to bring my fabulous husband to: Vancouver
seem to be losing my ability to have or remember dreams... that scares me...
have seen a ghost
have had premonitions come true
admire people who can fill time without TV
spent too much time admiring other people
wish I did not live alone
spend too much time wishing
have been out of my parents house for 13 years and still get homesick
would go back and do it again
best moment of my life was floating nude under a full Mediterranean moon...
besides Munich, would next like to head to Chicago (domestic) or London
if my numbers were drawn tonight I would pick up J and travel the world with our three dogs (on our private jet, of course. liquids allowed.)
believe Bush is a puppet president, and the last election was fixed
my shyness makes me come across as an asshole sometimes...
believe my life mission is to do something significant to assist children in poverty
think that fear of failure and timidness prevents me from doing.
love that I have a job where I am expected to make changes for these kids
absolutely love kids. this is one of the few things I'm 100% on. I absolutely love kids.
think that hatred is fear, and fear is the opposite of love.
believe I have a lot to learn, and not as much time to learn it as I'd like (not meant to sound prophetic, just know that time is running out exponentially)

Are we there yet?

2006-08-11T08:32:00.000-05:00

Well it's here. First thing this morning I opened my work e-mail, and had nine "mandates" from my new supervisor. The new school year is 11 days away. Don't get me wrong, I'm ready to get back into things, as I do NOTHING with my down time but sit and rot; try to keep myself out of trouble; think way too much; and get lonely bored and bitter. Good times, huh? So, in the next 11 days I have to accomplish my two simple goals for the summer: paint my downstairs (see colors to the left, I'm leaning towards one of the top two...) and CLEAN this house. Yeah, exciting life I lead... Anyway, here are a few thoughts about the current state of affairs:

heading to Asheville next weekend, a surprise from the boy. I'm thrilled about it, I'll actually get a vacation after all. He can really pull out the nice card when he wants to.
regret not going out with J last night, but my cig cravings were strong, had already been to a wine tasting (picked up a wonderful moscato), and, okay, lets face it, I'm old and the thought of being out until 2 am scared the shit outta me. My how the mighty have fallen.
photography has fallen to the wayside, but I need to pick it up again. Ordered tripod (thats what I call my hung hooker friend... j/k) and will hopefully be here b4 Asheville.
playing again, and will have first show in two weeks.... haven't played out in, hmmm, probably a year or so... so looking forward to that... new band page up, but no, you can't see it... :P
(Oh, funny thing there is that the guy I'm playing with does not know I'm gay, but his wife is CERTAIN of it, I can tell. She is always asking me about Hugh Grant movies and Steel Magnolias and all.... I've stayed very neutral, and will, at least until the first show is out of the way... Will be interesting to see how that turns out... Don't think he's gonna be too thrilled when it's inevitably revealed, but, that seem to fall under, lemme check, yes, there it is: NOT my problem... ; )
36 days smober and feeling good!!! Don't know why it took me so long to quit, but finally feel ready, thank God....

Satanic Sunday (Click for link and wicked background music)

2006-08-06T11:23:00.000-05:00

In my job I am periodically exposed to the inner "workings" of some of our local gangs. I am fascianted by some of these systems, especially the communications attempted via clothing, slang, and hand signs. Motivated to research by some gang signs I've noticed recently in a couple of my regular blog haunts I ran across this charming site, which gets the sign of the devil confused with the standard sign for "I love you" as well as the Texas football sign (favored, in mangled form, by the Bushs) and shows many phots of folks allegedly serving satan by flashing either of these signs. Here are some of my favorite examples: (The owl on the dollar bill is allegedly a masionic symbol, but the "owl's horns" are a satanic sign. giggle...)

(In no particular order: Pat Robertson (never had a doubt); Amy Grant (Christian Singer); Beatles (Lennon announcing himself as satanic, McCartney, never one to be outdone, announces that he is a blood...); King George II; Spidey; Lennon again, although maybe those are Walrus ears??)

I have absolutely no control over where these photos appear, so I apologize for that mess... Three of the photos are not showing at all.... Also in news today: In four minutes I will have been officially quit for one month. (This is the time that my grandmother passed, and the time I use for my quit date)

I've nothing to say

2006-08-06T08:27:00.000-05:00

Considerate Creator

Color Me Problematic

2006-08-01T08:51:00.000-05:00

Too lazy for a post today, so here is an intriguing 'quiz' that I picked up here. (But, how did it know I even have a "problem"? Are my color choices that sad?)

Your Existing Situation
Relatively inactive and in a static condition, while conflict of one sort or another prevents peace of mind. Unable to achieve relationships of the desired degree of mutual affection and understanding.
Your Stress Sources
Sensitive and impressionable, prone to absorbing enthusiasms. Seeks an idealized--but so far unfulfilled--situation in which he can share with another a complete accord and mutual depth of understanding. Feels there is a risk of being exploited if he is too ready to trust others and therefore demands proof of their sincerity. Needs to know exactly where he stands in relationships.
Your Restrained Characteristics
Feels that he is burdened with more than his fair share of problems. However, he sticks to his goals and tries to overcome his difficulties by being flexible and accommodating.
Your Desired Objective
Shelves his ambitions and forgoes his desire for prestige as he prefers to take things easily and indulge his longing for comfort and security.
Your Actual Problem
Wants to act freely and uninhibitedly, but is restrained by his need to have things on a rational, consistent, and clearly-defined basis.
Your Actual Problem #2
Fights against restriction or limitation, and insists on developing freely as a result of his own efforts.

http://www.colorquiz.com/

Vegi-dar

2006-07-31T11:01:00.000-05:00

Last week someone outted a prominant cultural figure and subsequently sent their readership through the roof. Well, now it's my turn.

In the "Fuit of the loom" ads, there are four mascots. We have an apple, two grape clusters, and some leafy thing. Sometimes he's green, sometimes yellow. What the hell is he? He looks suspiciously vegetable-atic to me... Hmmm... Maybe he has a secret... (I've heard that one in four fruits is actually a vegetable...)

Lance and Reichen Sitting in a Tree

2006-07-26T15:09:00.000-05:00

No one's surprised, are they? I'm glad for him, I know the relief he's feeling. Now, who's this reality star he's with?

"The thing is, I'm not ashamed -- that's the one thing I want to say," Bass says. "I don't think it's wrong, I'm not devastated going through this. I'm more liberated and happy than I've been my whole life. I'm just happy." I can see why!!!

Strangers With Candy

2006-07-24T10:22:00.000-05:00

God I fucking love Amy Sedaris. The best friend and I drove to Raleigh yesterday, in the the pouring rain (yes, it WAS like pouring piss from a boot...) to catch the Strangers With Candy movie. The weather and shoddy directions caused us to miss the first couple minutes of the movie but it was surprisingly easy to catch up on the plot. (Girl goes to jail for a while; gets out.)

In short, what started as a Masterdate turned out to be a great movie, awesome pizza and lousy singing afternoon of fun. Great movie, if you're a fan. You may not get it if not... But it was well worth our trip over there. I imagine it's much more funny in the theatre so I'd recommend you head out and see it. I desperately want to share some of the funnier lines, but the two or three of you that read this may get pissed, and that's an anger I cannot afford.

*Day 18 of the quit, feeling great!

Nic Fit

2006-07-20T17:22:00.000-05:00

Okay, I know I'm obsessing a bit about this quit (14 days), but it's really all I have to talk about right now. Well, okay, I did visit the doc today to get a wart removed from my foot; I've been meaning to do this for a while (as in years). He walked in and said, "Okay, let's see it." I raised my feet so he could see my heels and his reaction, (mind you, he does this shit for a living) was, "whoa! oh my god, that's huge. There's nothing I can do for that." ummm.. okay, now the good news? Anyway... there's a different topic for ya...

So maybe the quit is not going as smoothly as I think it is. I feel great, and, while my cravings for a cig have increased, they're really no big deal. I was just sitting here patting myself on the back (well, everyone has to have a hobby!) when I realized that there may be a problem.

Within the past few days I have not been playing well with others. I flicked off a neighbor's car for having a Bush/ Cheney sticker on it (Yes, the car. There was no one in it. Does that make it better or worse?) Last night I was walking my dog around the parking lot and a neighbor came out of his house. I said something about hi, how are you, or whatever, and he promptly looked back down at his hands and kept walking. So, in my subtle manner, I said loudly (to my dog...) "Come on [dog], I guess he's not talking to us tonight." Turned the corner and rubbed the corner of my eye with my middle finger, in the guy's direction. Yesterday I drove at 5 miles an hour (in a 45) before weaving into the turn lane because the guy behind me was too close to my bumper. Today I got into an argument with some bitch in my smoking cessation support room, told her I hoped she was not a counselor and that I'd be back later when the "normal" people were on.

I need compensation skills, bad.

Helluva weekend

2006-07-17T09:59:00.000-05:00

I'd like to take this opportunity to be positive. Granted I stayed up too late last night watching the COPS marathon that IS CourtTV, and don't really feel like writing, or anything else this morning. But I gotta tell ya, I had one hell of a weekend.

Thursday night I spent time with some of my friends at our local French Bistro drinking wine. Yes, a bistro in hicksville. There another one right next door. The night capped out with five of us sitting around giggling about midget fight porn. I don't know what it is; I don't usually use the term "midget"; shit-o-la it was some funny stuff.

Friday was lazy time to prep for Saturday night. The boy and I travelled about an hour and a half to our friends engagement "gathering." Of course we (read- "I") were very very late in leaving, but only because we had to hit the gym first. So responsible. I love these friends and wish they lived closer so I could just live on their couch. We shared a Napoleon (shared! In front of people, how gay) at this tiny, wonderful, Swiss owned bakery and then moved on to a couple bars to stand around watch people get shity. We shared a bed at the friends place, layed in bed for hours laughing, giggling, and just talking. I don't know if we've ever done this before. I let him know that THIS is what I was missing in our relationship. He, of course, was vague and aloof, but... Ate the most incredible omelets, watched love actually, and headed home. Last night realized we had a coupon for $25 off at some average chain retaurant and enjoyed our $6 dinner.

I kinda feel bad for the guy, as enjoyable as it all was, I can;t stop giving him shit. First, because this all was a reminder of why I want to live with someone, be out to everyone, and build a circle of "friends in the know." Also, Sat. night this drunk girl (I'm told she's a DA, hmmm...), after finding out I am gay, went around the table and asked everyone if they had a girlfriend, boyfriend, or are not looking (why the thid choice?) The boy, yes he did, The boy told her he was not looking. Fucker. Chicken shit fucker. Oh well, take the good with the bad and the rest of the weekend was a first.

P.S. Today is my 11th day smoke free (besides the six packs of second hand smoke Sat. night). I'm smober ya'll!!!

also- Can someone please tell me why the counter has suddenly slipped to the far bottom right of the page? please???

I've made in my drawers

2006-07-15T07:48:00.000-05:00

Okay, I'll admit it: I"m scared shitless. I'm not to say that I've always seen the world through golden hued shades, but I'll tell ya the current state of affairs is really starting to shake me up:

North Carolina GOP official refuses to retract comment linking homosexuality to pedophiliaJune 14, 2006
Pentagon memo: Homosexuality a disorder
The Middle East is a time bomb (great video here, 'How far could it spread' that explains this in 4th grade terms, for slower folks like me.)
Weather

And the list goes on. I try not to be doom and gloom but shit, it just feels like it's all falling apart. Happy day!

meme me baby one more time

2006-07-14T19:44:00.000-05:00

I am such a whore for a good MEME. This is a big one, lemme go grab a beer... (I have started drinking much more since quitting smoking... good times...)

1. How tall are you barefoot? 5'10
2. Have you ever been cheated on? Apparently
3. Do you own a gun? Never even held one
4. If you had a mental disorder, what would it be? If, what'a'ya mean if. Okay, OCD, if it'd help me keep my house clean.
5. How many letters are in your crush's name? Hmmm, is it 7 or 8??
6. What do you think of hot dogs? Soy dogs are almost as good as soy sausage, but not nearly a soy corn dog... yummm...
7. What's your favorite Christmas song? Blue Christmas, Elvis
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Coffee, black
9. Do you do push-ups? Not on purpose
10. Have you ever done ecstasy? Ecsta-what?
11. Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? Boy..................
12. Do you like the rain? Suddenly I really love it, spent the entire time on hold with my credit card company watching it pour. Luckily for them it really mellowed me out.
13.Do you own a knife? Noticed yesterday that the spikes on my serated knife are bent sideways, so you have to cut at an angle. Must have been a dollar store purchase.
14. What do you smell like? Not smoke, is all I know. :)
15. Do you have A.D.D.? Nah, just anxiety and poor memory...
16. Full initials? TJ (tay hota)
17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment: Sarah, tick, travel
18. Name the last 3 things you have bought today. Not a thing...
19. Name five drinks you regularly drink. Newcastle, water, skim milk, pomegranate juice, wine
20. What time did you wake up today? Forget, about 9 ish, very late for the dog...
21. Can you spell? Nothing that'll get me on the discovery channel, but not bad...
22. Current worry? State of affairs in the world... My future... Is always my worry... : )
23. Current hate? Gas/ flight prices... I want to go to Germany NOW...
24. Favorite place to be? Drunk on pinot, skinny dipping under the Mediterranean moon...
25. Least favorite place to be? Don't know... Come back to me...
26. Where would you want to go? I would do most anything to see my friend in Munich right now...
27. Do you own slippers? Hehe, yes, bought them for a Green Queen Bingo event with J (my bestest friend...)
28. Where do you think you'll be in 10 years? Hope: City with man I love and two kids (and my dog, cause he's gonna live forever...)... Fear: here, alone, like I am now...
29. Do you burn or tan? Burn then, if I don't peel, a little tan
30. Yellow or Blue? Well at risk of showing my slip, depends on the shade. Love colbalt, hate sky... love gold, hate... (just came out to my friend in Germany, as I was typing that.... hmmm)
31. Would you give up your current life to be a pirate? No way, those guys were the real deal, rotten food, no conditioner, rats.... ick!!!
32. Last time your cell rang? Unknown number tonight at 4:44:44...
33. What songs do you sing in the shower? Wilco/ Modest Mouse/ Death Cab or just stupid songs i make up, about the shampoo bottle, whatever...
34. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child? Animals in the woods behind my grandma's house...
35. What's in your pocket right now? lint
36. Last thing that made you laugh? Talking about Midget Fighting Porn last night... hell-arious... Face still aches
37. Best bed sheets you had as a child? ? The dry ones i guess.. hehe
38. Worst injury you've ever had? Cue the cheese: Shots to my ego/ pride when i was a kid...
39. What is your GPA? IS? haha... I think I left school with a 3.5 or so...
40. How many TVs do you have in your house? 2 and wanna destroy them both...
41. Who is your loudest friend? hmmmm,,, susan... but dont know her well...
42. Who is your most silent friend? I'm usually the quietest in situations, like to sit back, watch, throw in witty remarks here and there... It's my "thing"
43. Does someone have a crush on you? HA!
44. Do you wish on stars? Hmmm, forgot about that...
46. What song did you last hear? Hoover Dam/ Sugar
48. What song do you want played at your funeral? Johnny Cash: We'll meet again...
49. What were you doing 12AM last night? Talking about midget fight porn... still makes me laugh...
50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? Time to walk the dog...

a little tense

2006-07-12T14:20:00.000-05:00

The quit is going great, really. This is the strongest I've ever felt on a day 6. Survived the kids yestereday (actually, really enjoyed that...) and even had a couple (few) beers last night without the need for a smoke. Get this, in addition to my regular workout I will be joining my fellow punishment junkies in 45 minutes of spin this evening. Got to see what these new lungs can (or, maybe, can't) do... But, I tell you what, if that punk ass kid two units down doesn't stop firing that damned cap gun out of his window at me I'm gonna climb the outside wall, crawl though his window and firmly plant my foot so far up ass he'll be able to tie my laces through his nose... And I will not hesitate to use the insanity/ drug withdrawl defense... okay, time for a time-out...

It's (all) about time... [Via Orlando}

2006-07-11T05:45:00.000-05:00

My grandmother passed on Thursday July 6th at 12:58 a.m., just as my plane to Orlando was touching down. I feel terrible that my father had, after nearly a week at her side, stepped away from her bedside and missed the final moments, but, as someone said, she may have been waiting for him to be out of the room. Who knows. The weekend, service and all, was rather upbeat and celebratory, considering, and it wasn't until I got into my car from the trip home, by myself, that it really hit me that she's gone. I will deeply miss E.M.E. (If I ever fly into Orlando again it will be too soon, lemme tell ya...)

Good news: I made it through all the drama and stress of the weekend without a cigarette. I stumbled when I got home and realized that I still had one evil little cancer stick lurking in the dark recesses of my junk drawer, but, besides that one smoke, which I'm not counting (donning baggy pants; cue "It's my prerogative") today is day five. After begging to do so, I'm off to watch my sister's kids for the day. If I can do this I can do it all. Watch out world! (Throwing cap into air on busy Manhattan corner. Wind takes it and some crack head picks it up and shoves it down the front of his pants. Hmmm...)

Please note the quitnet button below my links. I find the chat and resources to be helpful.

You Can Do It

2006-07-04T18:30:00.000-05:00

I will quit smoking, I just wish I could kick it before it kills me. I've just received word that my grandmother is in the ICU. The radiation is not working as we'd thought and the cancer has spread. The doctor is giving her 2-4 months to live. My grandfather just passed from liver cancer, and now his wife is on her way, from lung cancer.

I tend, after a quit, to forget why I'm stopping at all. Here are some questions from Quit Assist and my answers. Hopefully I'll remember to look here.

1. Why do I want to quit.
Waking up tired from not breathing fully, due to last nights cigarettes; headaches in the morning; phlem; smelling like I've been eating turds; yellow teeth; anxiety and restless while and after smoking.

2. When I tried to quit in the past, what helped and what didn't?
Nic inhaler helped some, but looked like I was puffing on a tampon; have never tried nic replacement; lexapro took the edge off, but did not decrease want

3. What will be the most difficult situations for me after I quit? How do I plan to handle them?
The bar; Avoid the bar; take it moment by moment; I also love my cig after work, it's like heroin... really, it knocks me on my ass and throws me into my daily nap. That's gonna be a tough one. My driving cigs are wonderful as well... Fortunately, while I drive for my job, I dont smoke until after work. I also don't take many long road trips. I'll have to get back to what to do about my after work cigs... maybe a post work walk; blog post time.. dunno...

4. Who can help me through the rough times?
The boy will do what he can, although it's better for me if no one adresses it: no discussions, no reminders. J will certainly help, but really, it's just up to me.

5. What pleasures do I get from smoking? What ways can I get pleasure if I quit?At another site I've filled out a "Why I Smoke" quiz. 11 or higher is considered high.

Stimulation: 5 (Actually, smoking typically sedates me more than anything. I mean, it does increase my heart rate and makes me nervous and anxious, but it also makes me lethargic and sleepy, most times.)
Handling: 12 (No doubt, I love the process. I've started drawing again to deal with my hands. Will miss the tap, deep inhale, sizzling of the paper, tap tap...)
Pleasure/ relaxation: 11
Crutch/ tension: 13 (Exercise.)
Craving/ addiction: 13 (Psychological addiction. Nic replacement?)
Part of my routine: 5 (Unlike many smokers I hate morning smoke, Any time I smoke before noon it's just an excuse to be lazy, because I can't get re-motivated.)
Social Smoker: 13 (Of course, there are not as many friends that smoke, so this is easier. A will be coming back from Paris this week smoke free, so J will be one of the few hold-outs. She can do without, I think, unlike me...)

Not sure of the next step. I'll revisit Allen Carr's book, and maybe pay a visit to the doc; sure he misses me.

*Just after I typed this my mother called to let me know that the doctor has changed his prognosis from 2-4 months to 3-4 days. Nan's on her way to hospice and we're all just waiting. Fuck, I am not ready for this.

A Letter to N.E. and Gno Whan

2006-07-02T10:11:00.000-05:00

We've all heard it said that writers block is not the inability to know what to write, rather, lacking the confidence to trust what it is you're writing. I started writing this blog as a diary, just a simple way to log my own personal commentary, with hopes that occasionally folks would drop in and add their own, thereby making my ideas organic, active and malleable. Unfortunately the more I realized people were reading these and commenting, I stifled the truly personal stuff and went more for what may please. This has gotten me in trouble: I can't write. For the first time I'm drafting items before I publish them, which allows me to second guess and, in the end, not publish them at all.

New rule: I don't give a shit. Of course, it's been so long since I've posted that I've lost most of my readers, and that's almost a good thing. I'm going back to diary/ journal rather than trying to gain readers. It will be more fun this way because what's more fun that talking about yourself? Okay, playing with yourself, but that gets lonely. Talking about myself seems to have kept me entertained for the past 32 years. Hell, it's like a giant play in which I am the only real character. Wow, back to egotistical asshole so quickly... This is working already!!!

And off we go....

Monkey

preguntas

2006-06-18T21:06:00.000-05:00

so I'm bored and just spent an hour at this place. I had some crazy jazz station playing off of itunes and feel now as if someone slipped me some very welcome acid. Thanks, if it was you; I needed that.

A legacy of crabs...

2006-05-24T16:26:00.000-05:00

My grandfather passed away this morning at about 4:30 am, about nine months after they discovered polyps in his colon. Liver cancer.

I have thought often today, and in the monhts and years before, about this man. I would not describe him as a happy man. He's not a man who embraced you physically or emotionally. Quick qith wit, his humor always had a biting edge. I've even, at time, resented this man for not trying harder to show his love for my father and others around him, but, that's our legacy. Each generation has this crabbiness, and each of us works to be a better person. He was no exception.

My grandfather's mother died when I was in high school. This is the woman who did not talk to my father for two years because his hair was too long. All she ever wanted, and received, for christmas was a carton of menthol cigarettes. Her last words on this earth were, "you're breath stinks and you ain't got no goddamn manners." I know where my grandfather ("Pop") got it from. It's lessened in each generation, but I've got it too. Pop may have realized it later in life, before the move to Florida, because he DID loosen up. He did smile a little easier, and he did show appreciation. He took us down to his house boat on the Chesapeake Bay to go crabbing, and we'd have enourmous crab feasts afterwards (with the crabs we bought on the way home). I remember the smell of those cigar boxes he'd give me to collect butterflies with as well as the garden he took so much pride in. He had a right to take pride as he harvested full sized and delicious vegetables from a ten by thirty patch on the back side of their baltimore city brownstone. It seems that an above ground pool once sat on that spot.

Pop took me fishing, taught me the power of silence and the importance of family. I will miss him. Orlando, here I come.

let's play ketchup

2006-05-21T09:07:00.000-05:00

I drop by my blogs on a daily basis but just can't come up with anything to write about, because even I am sick of listening to myself complain... so here's a summary of what's been happening lately. Lets see:

spring is in full bloom, did some gardening (two tiny planters on my patio...) may actually get out to the boat today so people can stare in disgust at my fat white belly... yeah!!!!!!
have started twice weekly chiropractic visits; they are very relaxing, there is a very hot young PT that touches my hiney to put on and remove electrodes, as well as smearing some cold gel around on my back with an ultrasound. my back still hurts and I hate the steroids the've put me on... hottie PT says it will be okay. I trust him.
went out with J (best friend) last week to Green Queen Bingo. The theme was 50's prom night... I had an absolute blast... we looked nuts and retarded and fun in our formals... it was a blast to have people staring at us... I absolutely needed a night like that... just being stupid, laughing til my face hurt, what do they call that? oh yeah, being "alive"...
last night was Dining for friends.... Annual event for AIDS organization here in town... Mini-production of RENT at the local gay bar (I think we are down to one gay bar now...) I'd never been, but it was a pretty cool place, despite all I'd heard about it being so seedy.... saw my last boss there... I've heard he visits... wonder if his wife and kids have? fucking asshole... anyway, then went to eat way too much dessert at the coliseum and back to the bar for some dancing... dancing? forgot I could...
In general, things are going "okay" (lie)... constantly restless, and happiest at work and a bar... that's not good... but... lets not get into all that....