I was lonely kid, no doubt about it. I held very special value for my family for my lack of friends and, as a result, I suspect, it took me quite a while to figure out how to pick up and hold tight to friends. Believe it or not, it was not until High School until I realized that I liked having people around, and it may not have been until College that I learned how to keep them around. I was so deeply connected to family that I was homesick for the the first three years of my career, at least.
It can be slow progress, socially, as a gay man, and slower still with other stuff going on (and I ain't gettin' into all that...) What I have come to learn, though, is that I have developed a strong sense of what I understand to be life: that is, how actively I integrate myself into the living around me.
Living:
- skiing
- talking with close friends
- singing while driving (specially from the passenger side)
- rock and roll
- drums
- playing music
- eating dinner with friends, while playing with their kids and puppies
- listening to a friend play you a song
- singing alongside a friend, hearing them sing for the first time
- frisbee
- recognizing God in one's surroundings (I saw ten turtles sunning on a log deep in the woods; I had a 2nd grader tell me, "There's power in this hand," after writing an unusually long essay, etc...)
- checking out hot boys (especially when they KNOW you're checking them out...)
- long conversations about nothing (and everything?!)
- trying to explain emotion
- light reflected off of snow
- silliness and laughter
- circles (fire circles/ drum circles, etc.)
- dancing
- honesty
- sex with a man you are in love with
Not-living/ avoiding life:
- videogames
- television
- drinking/ drugs
- stress
- isolation
- hiding
- shyness
- ego
- wearing masks
- fear
- lies/ living in your mind alone
- celebacy to please others (and they don't care!)
I've been thinking lately about the difference between living independently and interdependently. I feel pretty independent, although we all need someone from time to time. Despite this independence I am constantly seeking interdependence. I long for my partner to stand at my side and work with my towards a common goal. That's not happening. I love when I get that feeling of working towards a common idea: this usually comes with playing music... This is really where I found my earliest connections and I thank God for this... Without Drumming I don't know that I'd be anything more than I was at 10 years old, and that wasn't good. Trust me.
Okay: Off to take a vicodin and watch TV.... We all need room to grow :)
